memories🙁

struggling0_0

this is probably super silly, i know, but basically i no longer see my dad, i havent for around 10 years now. when i did see him, it was for like 20 ish mins at mcdonald’s while he sat and talked to my mum about work stuff with 0 interest in me. every sunday morning when we were seeing him, my sister and i would have been up, had a shower, hair washed and dried and then we left. since we stopped seeing him, i was old enough to be able to get a shower myself, wash my own hair and dry it too so i got to decide when i got a shower mostly too, i never would have got a shower on a sunday morning, it would have always been a sunday night instead (as well as throughout the week dw lol) but today i ended up getting a shower this morning, it feels weird? it’s a sunday morning, outta bed, shower, hair washed and dried but i don’t see my dad anymore (his choice btw) - it kinda hurts a bit?

i seen a thing on tiktok this morning that said “as a person i hate him but as his daughter i could never” - i’ve been thinking about that non stop as it’s how i feel too, knowing about things he’s done and lies he’s told but he’s still my dad and there are some memories i have of him doing normal things that a dad with do with his daughter like playing in the park or whatever.

sorry this is super silly:(

Riley_2001

@struggling0_0 Thank you for sharing this. It’s not silly at all and it’s completely valid to feel this way and have those thoughts after seeing the TikTok. I hope those memories can be cherished rather than cause any significant pain to you. It’s okay to be hurt by it though. I can actually relate to the TikTok, so I appreciate you sharing. I’m not fond of my father as a person for how he abandoned me after verbal abuse, yet, I do also have those memories of him doing those fatherly things before he left. It certainly can bring a sense of pain and that’s okay.

Whilst you may not have seen him this morning, doing those things for yourself is still lovely, having a shower, all clean and tidy, but I can certainly understand that hurt a bit.

I hope you’re okay and have a lovely rest of your Sunday and into a fresh week. ☺️

Azziman

Hey @struggling0_0 - echoing what @Riley_2001 says above, it's not silly at all to feel how you feel. Having happy memories as well as knowledge of bad actions/lies can make for a complicated situation, especially when it's someone like a parent who we have strong feelings about.

Sometimes with change, we can realise the impacts not in the big obvious actions, but in the small parts of daily routines that feel a little off, like with the shower you describe here. Part of coming to terms with this is accepting that you'll likely have differing emotions based on what memories you recall about your dad, and that's okay. We're here to listen to you and support you as you navigate this change

struggling0_0

thank you both so much @Riley_2001 and @Azziman - i really appreciate it a lot🫶🏻