(TW: suicidal ideation and self harm) work photos absolutely breaks me

bignosegirly0

I have moments where I’m okay with my appearance. But then my confidence gets knocked down and I go down a spiral anytime I see myself in photos.

I can’t think of a single photo of myself where I don’t look like an inbred monster. One photo is enough to make me extremely depressed and passively suicidal for the rest of the week. Sometimes, it can make me relapse and hurt myself.

Being the ugliest female coworker at my workplace is awful. Having male coworkers ask you out as a joke in front of their mates is fucking heart wrenching. No amount of body positivity / self love will change the fact that I’m never gonna experience love due to my ugliness.

Recently, my manager posted a photo montage of my workplace to celebrate the new year. I haven’t watched it, because I know if I see myself, I’ll go down a horrible spiral that will last for a week.

But at the same time, I want to get worse. Daily, I purposely trigger myself by cyberstalking coworkers (who’ve bullied me for my appearance) and mourn over the fact that I’ll never experience the love they post about online.

Yesterday, I cyberstalked an old bully who happens to be a famous only fans model now.

I find comfort in my misery. It feels like a warm blanket. It’s all I have to look forward to in life. And it feels normal.

Riley_2001

Hey @bignosegirly0 I’m sorry to hear that you suffer so much with your physical appearance, it’s something that I can relate to quite heavily. Especially the part where you said “No amount of body positivity / self love will change the fact that I’m never gonna experience love due to my ugliness.” I actively avoid mirrors and pictures for the purpose of not being able to look at myself without feeling miserable. Hurts the heart to read that you’ve been asked out purely as a joke and being the “ugliest” female coworker. Back in my school days, I got the absolutely delightful title of being one of the ugliest boys at school, so I may be able to relate to the feelings that this may bring. I would sometimes receive joke messages about people being “interested” in me. I also removed myself from a lot of social media, so I couldn’t see the “better life” that they are living, having partners, children etc. I can relate to the cyberstalking, it’s an endless cycle, but there’s an odd comfort from it, isn’t there? The mourning and yearning is brutal. I haven’t had a friend for 8 years, never-mind a partner.

I share this because as hard as it is, you aren’t alone in experiencing these awful things and I hope that can bring some relief, knowing people like myself can relate. I hope someday someone can show you how worthy of love and softness you are, not just basking in the misery. You deserve better. There’s far more to a person than appearance, you’re a beautiful person, I’m sorry nobody can actually see that.