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Can I Trade My Life In [TW]
Lottie5433
Posts: 28 Boards Initiate
For over a decade, I've been fighting a war against myself—a relentless battle with my mental health that I keep losing, no matter how hard I try. I feel like I’ve exhausted every option, tried every approach, and yet here I am, still trapped in the same patterns, still suffocating under the weight of it all.
I can’t shake the feeling that I’m broken in a way that can’t be fixed. No matter how much time passes, no matter how many people tell me I’m strong or resilient, I feel like I’m the one who caused this. That somehow, it’s all my fault—like I’m the architect of my own misery.
The eating disorder that grips me doesn’t let go, no matter how many promises I make to myself to change. The scars I carry from a decade of self-harm feel like a permanent reminder of the person I’ve become, a person I can’t seem to escape. And the dark, intrusive thoughts that grow louder each day have become more of a constant than any sense of hope.
I’ve tried to believe I can be okay. I’ve tried to believe that there’s a life worth living on the other side of this pain. But after years of trying and failing, I just feel like I’m running out of strength. I feel like I’m running out of time.
I know some people will read this and think, *“You just need to try harder, reach out more, choose recovery.”* But what if I’ve done all of that? What if I’ve given everything I have, and it’s still not enough?
I don’t know if there’s a way out of this. I don’t know if there’s a version of me that isn’t haunted by these demons. And I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending I’ll ever find her.
I’m not writing this for pity or attention. I’m writing this because I need to let it out. Because maybe, somewhere in the void, someone will understand what it feels like to carry this weight. Or maybe, I just need to say it so it doesn’t completely consume me.
If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone. And if you’ve somehow found a way through, I wish I could see the world through your eyes, even for a moment.
But for now, I’m here. Lost, broken, and wondering if it’s possible to trade this life for one that feels worth living.
I can’t shake the feeling that I’m broken in a way that can’t be fixed. No matter how much time passes, no matter how many people tell me I’m strong or resilient, I feel like I’m the one who caused this. That somehow, it’s all my fault—like I’m the architect of my own misery.
The eating disorder that grips me doesn’t let go, no matter how many promises I make to myself to change. The scars I carry from a decade of self-harm feel like a permanent reminder of the person I’ve become, a person I can’t seem to escape. And the dark, intrusive thoughts that grow louder each day have become more of a constant than any sense of hope.
I’ve tried to believe I can be okay. I’ve tried to believe that there’s a life worth living on the other side of this pain. But after years of trying and failing, I just feel like I’m running out of strength. I feel like I’m running out of time.
I know some people will read this and think, *“You just need to try harder, reach out more, choose recovery.”* But what if I’ve done all of that? What if I’ve given everything I have, and it’s still not enough?
I don’t know if there’s a way out of this. I don’t know if there’s a version of me that isn’t haunted by these demons. And I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending I’ll ever find her.
I’m not writing this for pity or attention. I’m writing this because I need to let it out. Because maybe, somewhere in the void, someone will understand what it feels like to carry this weight. Or maybe, I just need to say it so it doesn’t completely consume me.
If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone. And if you’ve somehow found a way through, I wish I could see the world through your eyes, even for a moment.
But for now, I’m here. Lost, broken, and wondering if it’s possible to trade this life for one that feels worth living.
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Comments
i really do hear how hard all this is for you, especially with it being something you have been facing for such a long period of time!! you try so so hard every single day no matter what life throws at you, i’m proud of you for that - you’re such an amazing person who makes a difference to the world🫶🏻
I can resonate so much with that feeling of stuckness you're describing. It's like you've exhausted every option possible and you just feel tired and unmotivated afterwards. It's heavy to carry, and we're constantly encouraged to figure things out alone and be independent. I know for me I've needed support from multiple different people over long periods of time, I needed patience and understanding when I was feeling like a burden. You deserve that to Lottie, patience, support and understanding for as long as you need it. Whether it be weeks, months, or years.
It takes a lot of time but there are small pockets in the day where things feel worth it, even if only for a minute. Moments where I'm doing something that makes me laugh, or remember that there is more to life than bone crushing sadness. I hope you get moments like these, and I hope they steadily increase for you
It feels so weird opening up this part of me and to be vulnerable, but I just dont want to do it anymore: im tired of fighting this battle. I just want tk move away from this life but that seen impossible without support etc.
@briannat I sometimes get moments where I feel like it is worth it but they soon vanish and I go back to the begining of wanting to trade my life in. I hope that these moments can increase slowly ❤️
Thank you again for your kind words ❤️