I can’t remember how to be me

AnonymousToe

This is kind of crazy, but anyway…

I’ve just done my first term at university. It was absolutely exhausting. I’m autistic, so I have to put on this big pretence every day. You know, I have to say things I wouldn’t usually say, just generally act like other people and copy what they do socially so I seem normal and don’t offend anyone or get myself into trouble. But because I was living in uni accommodation, I didn’t have a safe place to come back to. I still had to put on this pretence at 9pm when the fire alarm went off, at 11pm when my flatmate locked themself out, etc etc.

I got better at masking than ever, except now I have a problem. I’m at home and I’m supposed to be resting, but I can’t remember how to turn this off. I can’t remember how to stop pretending to be someone I’m not. I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like just a shell of myself. And it feels like I’m going crazy.

Also the constant masking was/is exhausting and now I don’t have the energy to do anything but I have exams in a few weeks that I’m not at all prepared for. I’m just so stressed and overwhelmed.

shannon_164

@AnonymousToe this all sounds really difficult for you - i can kind of understand how you’re feeling though, spending all your time pretending to be someone you’re not for all those reasons then not being able to stop once you are able to - it’s so so exhausting!

i feel you on the exams and being unprepared, i am in the same position right now with my exams too but we’ve got this, i believe in us and we’re gonna smash the exams!

i’m really proud of you for sharing how you’re feeling as that’s a really brave thing to do! i’m always here if you want to talk to somebody🫶🏻

amy02

Gosh sending big hugs @AnonymousToe I can understand how exhausting that must be for you Would it be possible for you to carve out some time just to be alone and do things that you enjoy? I definitely know I need this sort of time when being in prolonged social situations We're here for you