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I can’t remember how to be me
AnonymousToe
Posts: 2,752 Boards Guru
This is kind of crazy, but anyway…
I’ve just done my first term at university. It was absolutely exhausting. I’m autistic, so I have to put on this big pretence every day. You know, I have to say things I wouldn’t usually say, just generally act like other people and copy what they do socially so I seem normal and don’t offend anyone or get myself into trouble. But because I was living in uni accommodation, I didn’t have a safe place to come back to. I still had to put on this pretence at 9pm when the fire alarm went off, at 11pm when my flatmate locked themself out, etc etc.
I got better at masking than ever, except now I have a problem. I’m at home and I’m supposed to be resting, but I can’t remember how to turn this off. I can’t remember how to stop pretending to be someone I’m not. I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like just a shell of myself. And it feels like I’m going crazy.
Also the constant masking was/is exhausting and now I don’t have the energy to do anything but I have exams in a few weeks that I’m not at all prepared for. I’m just so stressed and overwhelmed.
I’ve just done my first term at university. It was absolutely exhausting. I’m autistic, so I have to put on this big pretence every day. You know, I have to say things I wouldn’t usually say, just generally act like other people and copy what they do socially so I seem normal and don’t offend anyone or get myself into trouble. But because I was living in uni accommodation, I didn’t have a safe place to come back to. I still had to put on this pretence at 9pm when the fire alarm went off, at 11pm when my flatmate locked themself out, etc etc.
I got better at masking than ever, except now I have a problem. I’m at home and I’m supposed to be resting, but I can’t remember how to turn this off. I can’t remember how to stop pretending to be someone I’m not. I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like just a shell of myself. And it feels like I’m going crazy.
Also the constant masking was/is exhausting and now I don’t have the energy to do anything but I have exams in a few weeks that I’m not at all prepared for. I’m just so stressed and overwhelmed.
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Comments
i feel you on the exams and being unprepared, i am in the same position right now with my exams too but we’ve got this, i believe in us and we’re gonna smash the exams!
i’m really proud of you for sharing how you’re feeling as that’s a really brave thing to do! i’m always here if you want to talk to somebody🫶🏻