Issues at college

Rose113

I thought college was my fresh start especially since I’ve been bullied from year 2 - year 6 in primary and then year 7 - year 11 in high school in which I got called names, shoved and threatened and beaten up and was let down by so many teachers

College is much more different but more because of me? I struggle to go to college especially because I feel like I just don’t belong there I’m too dumb, my irlen syndrome gets in the way and I’m slower than everyone else because I’m unable to process things as fast as other people and I’m ashamed to admit that I can’t even read a book I’ve never been able to I guess cos of the processing of information

I also walk out of lesson when I get overwhelmed I guess I just flee from the situation and sometimes I avoid them altogether especially in a situation last week. My AGR kicked in verbally last week in college and I couldn’t control it and i couldn’t mask it and my head and body just wanted to shrink and escape which was the day I walked out of photography

I don’t really know what to call her because she confuses me. I used to be able to call her a friend but I don’t know now

TW// Self harm, Abuse, relationships, non named suicidal methods, homophobia

Opened up to S about my past and Self harm and my abusive ex and she uses it against me she called me a barcode and a zebra for my self harm and then once we had a class about healthy relationships which was bad a video of abusive relationships and she kept saying “haha that’s *name*” and “he turned you into who you are now” I’ve told her to stop over and over and over that I don’t like it but she finds it hilarious.

I told her about the abuse when I was younger and she makes fun of that especially because I flinch, I could see a bird miles away walking towards me and I’ll flinch or someone can be next to me and raise there hand to scratch there face or move a hair or anything and I go flying in fear. I flinch out of nowhere at least 12 times a day and it’s fucking horrible I hate being this way

When I was in primary people would pretend to hit me or they’d throw stuff at me and then when I got to high school it became aware that I was so flinchy that people found it hilarious and then after I got beaten up for looking at someone it made it worse that’s when I started flinching over minor things but I can’t help it. It’s fucking horrible 😭😭

One day me an S went into a shop just after she saw my Self harm cos she always insisted on coming to Emma with me even tho I hate it cos I can’t like be honest with Emma face to face that way but anyway we went into a shop and she pointed to something and said “you should try these next time” what she pointed to I can’t name but they weren’t a good thing

Then once she showed me a picture of something bad and said “this could be you hahah” which was awful and left my heart pounding. I told a teacher about it all and they said it’s cos she has autism but I don’t understand how it can cause someone to say that stuff

Also another thing is I told S that I’m gay which I thought I could trust her with it but now everything I do and say around her all I get is “your gay” or “that’s so gay” “least I’m not gay” and she said she doesn’t like gays and that there disgusting so I guess that makes me disgusting.

She makes me so ashamed for my sexuality and like I can’t be who I feel I am.

Last week I told Sarah about S calling me a barcode/zebra and she logged it on files so I felt unable to say anything else about what S has been saying

Is it like something wrong with me like what have I done to like deserve it, do I have to change, am I not allowed to be myself?

I’m taking a break from college atm due to yk the other stuff recently but I might be going back Wednesday as it’s the last day of college before Christmas and I need to talk to Emma

AnonymousToe

Omg that’s awful, I’m so sorry. Nobody should be treating you like that. It’s not something wrong with you. You shouldn’t be made to feel like you have to change yourself for other people. S doesn’t sound like a friend at all. And being autistic myself, I think I can say that autism absolutely does not excuse the things she’s said to you. I can’t believe the teacher would just dismiss it like that.

Have you told Emma about all this? Maybe it would be an idea to tell her how you feel about S tagging along with you to see her?

PS: being gay is absolutely not disgusting, I promise. You’re perfect just as you are.

Sian321

Hey @Rose113 , how are you today? Thanks so much for your post. It sounds like things at college have been very hard lately, and the feeling of not belonging is such a painful one to have. I hear you say that you feel 'dumb' sometimes, and that it's difficult when your own processing speed is different to others. That is so valid, and I know shame can feel so, so isolating sometimes, making us want to hide away. I wondered whether you recieve any support at college around your learning? Or whether you'd like to? You deserve places where you feel support and belonging, for exactly who you are. Thank you for opening up here, and we're listening

You mentioned that it's been esspecially hard to experience AGR at school, and I hear you when you say it made you want to just shrink and get away. I can imagine its frightening to be experiencing something that feels so out of your control when you're also having to follow the sheduele of lessons and you're around other people. I can imagine that feeling so powerless, and it makes sense that those moments can get really overwhelming and that sometimes you'd need to leave the room to try and get someplace that feels safer. It sounds to me like you've been doing your very, very best to cope with all the different things going on in your life right now.

Thank you also for sharing about S and how she's been treating you. Making fun of you, taunting you about your self-harm and past expereinces of abuse, and discriminating against your identity as a gay person honestly sounds extreamly cruel, and I can imagine her behaviour deeply hurts. No one has a right to ever treat you that way. I can imagine it leaves you feeling like your trust has been broken too, because it can take a lot of courage to open up to someone about our sexuality, or to confide in someone about things that have happened in the past. How would you describe your feelings towards S at the moment? How might you like your relationship to look in the future?

I'm sending the biggest hug, @Rose113 , and just want to say as a fellow member of the LGBTQIA+ community that your gayness is beautiful and valid, and I'm so sorry that you've been made to feel disgusting for who you are. That shame can feel awful. You're 'you,' and you're so, so accepted here. And I hope this little corner of the internet can help you know there are similiar places too where you can belong exactly as you are. They're out there, I believe it!

Rose113

Hey @Sian321

I’ve tried to get learning support but they said that there isnt enough funding for it and we have learning support in our classes but they just ignore me

TW// I’m not sure if this is allowed to say so please delete it if not but:

I blocked S today because she messaged me saying “I want death for Christmas 😂” … she always take things far and it’s not fair

Thank you 💕