sat here crying. tw/

eylah

im physically and mentally fed up from this world i feel like i dont fit in i hate myself i hate everything abt me im no gd to anyone or anything. my sisters best mate he kept telling me to be confident bc im ‘pretty’ and shouldnt feel so rubbish abt myself but thats made everything worse bc noone understands how hard it is to be in the mindset and body that i hate so much. crying rn isnt doing anything for me im feeling so empty i rly am. im trying my best to support ppl but i feel so shit bc i feel like i give such awful advice and answers that’s making me feel even more shit rn. i relapsed again and thats making everything worse . crying feels so exhausting to bc it doesn’t release anything for me anymore im rly tired. i wish i was a better person someone who could be there for ppl often someone who didnt feel so shy or awkward etc but im never gonna be that. im feeling So much rn so much i dont know how to explain it bc im just so puzzled from everything 💔 i am rly struggling to bc its christmas so soon and i have noone im gonna be in my flat alone and doing nothing which is breaking me more and idk how to cope with that i rly dont. everything is a mess im a mess. i want to be out of this constant pain with the endometriosis its rly impacting me my appt in jan cant come sooner. im struggling daily with suicidal thoughts like why wont they go 💔. i am tired of living with those thoughts constantly telling me to die like give me a break. im trying my best i rly am like it might not seem it but im waking up each day even though i wish i didnt ( im safe ). im exhausted mentally and physically i am in constant pain im rly wishing everything would stop bc im so frustrated that i am not doing enough for myself. when will this end 💔😔. ( im safe ). no active plans im okay. 💔

TheNightmare

eylah wrote: »

im physically and mentally fed up from this world i feel like i dont fit in i hate myself i hate everything abt me im no gd to anyone or anything. my sisters best mate he kept telling me to be confident bc im ‘pretty’ and shouldnt feel so rubbish abt myself but thats made everything worse bc noone understands how hard it is to be in the mindset and body that i hate so much. crying rn isnt doing anything for me im feeling so empty i rly am. im trying my best to support ppl but i feel so shit bc i feel like i give such awful advice and answers that’s making me feel even more shit rn. i relapsed again and thats making everything worse . crying feels so exhausting to bc it doesn’t release anything for me anymore im rly tired. i wish i was a better person someone who could be there for ppl often someone who didnt feel so shy or awkward etc but im never gonna be that. im feeling So much rn so much i dont know how to explain it bc im just so puzzled from everything 💔 i am rly struggling to bc its christmas so soon and i have noone im gonna be in my flat alone and doing nothing which is breaking me more and idk how to cope with that i rly dont. everything is a mess im a mess. i want to be out of this constant pain with the endometriosis its rly impacting me my appt in jan cant come sooner. im struggling daily with suicidal thoughts like why wont they go 💔. i am tired of living with those thoughts constantly telling me to die like give me a break. im trying my best i rly am like it might not seem it but im waking up each day even though i wish i didnt ( im safe ). im exhausted mentally and physically i am in constant pain im rly wishing everything would stop bc im so frustrated that i am not doing enough for myself. when will this end 💔😔. ( im safe ). no active plans im okay. 💔

@eylah I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, but please know we all care about you deeply, and you’re not alone in this. I promise your advice is not awful; it is thoughtful, kind, and helps more than you realize, and the fact that you try so hard to support others shows how compassionate and strong you are. I know people telling you to be confident can feel overwhelming because they don’t understand how hard it is to be in a mindset and body you’re struggling with, but your feelings are valid, and you’re doing better than you think. Waking up each day, even when it is hard, shows your strength, and though Christmas might feel lonely, please remember we’re here for you. Those thoughts don’t define you, they are lies told by your pain, not the truth of your worth. You are definately enough, and you deserve so much better than what you’re feeling now ❤️

eylah

thankyou so much! your so kind thankyou for replying to me ❤️

tbh i now realise what he meant by ‘i should be more confident’ but idk how to take it tbh bc idk if he was complimenting me in a way bc thats what my sister also said so it’s like? huh. i have woken up today and im feeling awful i rly am im struggling with suicidal thoughts and thats taking its toll on me bc they wont go and its hard bc last time i was in hospital i was told they were thinking abt sectioning me and i left but was told that highly likely ill be sectioned if i go back. so i am not gonna go hospital bc tbh i dont need to go but yeah im just feeling so mentally shit today. need to go food shopping but i rly have no energy for that i just hate the world atm i hate myself to. im just cuddling mums ashes rn bc i miss her so much. ( sry for mentioning my mum so much its just i lost most important person in my life ).

💔

Sian321

Hey @eylah , thank you so much for your post and for letting us into how you're feeling right now. I am sending you the biggest hug

The pressure of what you're going through sounds like it's built, and built, and built, and you miss your mum terribly - I hear you. I'd like to reassure you that you never, ever have to apologise for mentioning her here. She was the most important person in your life, and you want to share about her with us - that's an honour, @eylah , and I'm very grateful you do. Your connection genuinely sounds beautiful. And living with the absence of her daily just sounds like the greatest ache. You never have to quiet that grief for us here. It can be loud, and wild-feeling, and we want to listen and to know how things truly feel for you.

Thank you for letting us know you're physically safe. I'm reassured to hear this, though, I hear that the suicidal thoughts are still very loud, and in your message I could almost hear anger or frustration towards them when you said, 'give me a break'. That is so, so valid, @eylah , and feels like a powerful part of you speaking there, saying, let me breathe. Would that be fair to say? I've coped with long-term suicidal thoughts myself at times in the past, and honestly, it was excrutiating. I really want to echo what @TheNightmare has said about just how much energy it takes to get through each day when you've got thoughts of suicide racing round your mind. Living in that life-or-death state of mind constantly sounds beyond draining, and so much strain for your body to be dealing with. So the fact that you're hear opening up, and surviving each day is a huge testament to the effort you're putting in. Everything you're doing is more than enough. You're here, you're surviving. That's huge.

You mentioned that last time you went to hospital the staff there talked to you about a possible section, and this sounds really hard, because I can hear it's left you wary of seeking help from hospital again. That's such a tricky position to be in, esspecially when you're wanting support. Can I ask what those conversations about sectioning looked like at the time, and whether any alternative support options were discussed? May I also ask whether you're still in touch with these staff / that support team at this time?

I also wanted to get back to the part of your message where you talked about struggling with confidence, and in particular, feeling awful about the advice or answers you're giving others. That just sounds so painful, @eylah , because I know how much you care about helping, and how much time and effort you put towards that. These boards make that so, so clear! I suppose I wanted to say that I can honestly relate to what you were saying here - esspecially amongst my friends sometimes when I'm struggling myself, I can become so inhibited and unsure of what to say. It's like my mind goes blank, and then I can feel a bit embarassed for not being more 'helpful'! But I think in those moments its often a sign that I'm really needing some care myself, you know? That I'm needing to be the 'talker' that day rather than the 'listener', or that I can't necessarily hold space for someone else until I've tended to me. And that's totally okay. Your messages of support are always so beautiful to see, and at the same time, if sometimes you don't have capacity, that's so real and human. How does that sound?

I know there other parts of your message I haven't necessarily responded to here, but I just wanted to share those pieces first. Keep us updated if you wish, @eylah . We're here. We're listening. We care

TheNightmare

eylah wrote: »

thankyou so much! your so kind thankyou for replying to me ❤️

tbh i now realise what he meant by ‘i should be more confident’ but idk how to take it tbh bc idk if he was complimenting me in a way bc thats what my sister also said so it’s like? huh. i have woken up today and im feeling awful i rly am im struggling with suicidal thoughts and thats taking its toll on me bc they wont go and its hard bc last time i was in hospital i was told they were thinking abt sectioning me and i left but was told that highly likely ill be sectioned if i go back. so i am not gonna go hospital bc tbh i dont need to go but yeah im just feeling so mentally shit today. need to go food shopping but i rly have no energy for that i just hate the world atm i hate myself to. im just cuddling mums ashes rn bc i miss her so much. ( sry for mentioning my mum so much its just i lost most important person in my life ).

💔

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this, but I'm so grateful that you're reaching out. I think you should take it as a complaint. You're incredibly brave for sharing your feelings, and I’m here for you. Please take things one step at a time, and remember that you don’t have to go through this alone. You’re so loved, even when it feels tough. If you ever need someone to talk to or anything else, don’t hesitate to reach out. I've got a link for you for a helpline that might be helpful, they are normally pretty good, I've used them.

https://www.thecalmzone.net/?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAmfq6BhAsEiwAX1jsZ4lkdy9fb-yUAPeBmTjGxBDf9PKYwf4OmbZL4hObgKL_0oI0jAHIGRoCOtkQAvD_BwE

eylah

the suicidal thoughts are getting bad again 💔 they are getting worse and rly painful to deal with 💔. going out 💔

shannonxg_

@eylah are you safe at the moment? we care about you, you’re such an important person and make the world a better place🩷always here for you🫶🏻

eylah

@shannonxg_ scared if i message a helpline ppl would be called and i cant go through what happened when ppl was called so im just stuck rly 🩷

shannonxg_

@eylah i hear you🩷you really do deserve support though!! how about kelly’s heroes? they can’t contact anybody unless you provide them with your information so you’re in control.

i know that it’s so difficult whenever others get involved but it’s to make sure you’re safe, you deserve to feel safe!

i’m always here if you need someone🫶🏻

eylah

tbh i contacted them almost 2 week ago and they werent thar nice tbh i had someone called liz? but bc they called police on me before idk if they would know my details still so just scared abt that rly 💔🩷

shannonxg_ wrote: »

@eylah i hear you🩷you really do deserve support though!! how about kelly’s heroes? they can’t contact anybody unless you provide them with your information so you’re in control.

i know that it’s so difficult whenever others get involved but it’s to make sure you’re safe, you deserve to feel safe!

i’m always here if you need someone🫶🏻

shannonxg_

@eylah i know that not everyone is the most helpful, but you can always ask them could you be transferred to someone else or else just leave the chat and rejoin? i know becca is on tonight, she is honestly so so helpful - i was in a real bad headspace but genuinely that chat with her tonight has helped me so much. i totally understand one conversation doesn’t fix everything, and i get that someone i find helpful isn’t necessarily someone you’ll find helpful and vice versa but you could always try? you really do deserve support🩷

in relation to them storing your details, they don’t do that - after they contact anyone for you they get rid of your information and if they wanted to contact someone for you / you wanted them to contact someone, then you would need to give them your information again - that is what beth told me when i asked her about that.

i really do hear your fear around others being involved and do very much so understand that eylah - i really hope you’re ok🫶🏻

eylah

i dont think ive ever spoke to becca but i might try contacting them? just charging my phone rn then probably going out bc my internet is rly bad 🩷

shannonxg_

@eylah becca is so so lovely!! i’ve always found everyone so supportive on there except for tracey definitely and sometimes liz, but other than that the likes of beth, alex, becca, andy, charlie, rhys etc are all genuinely so helpful🩷

if you do reach out to them, you could also just clarify with them about whether or not they have your details still? i know that beth did tell me they do not keep them and if either you wanted them to contact someone or they felt they needed to contact someone, they you would need to tell them all your info again but i totally understand the fear and that it might be helpful for you hearing it directly from them?

pls do reach out for support eylah, you really do deserve it - you’re such an important person that makes the world a better place and i’m so so proud of you for getting through so much, you’re so strong🩷

eylah

yeah i spoke to tracey multiple times and once she was nice? but ive not spoken to them in a while now? might just manage on my own bc im just to tired and mentally drained 💔 thankyou x

shannonxg_

@eylah i don’t think ive ever had a good experience with tracey to be honest, she’s always been so dismissive and invalidating in my case☹️

pls just make sure that you stay safe eylah, you matter so much🩷

eylah

oh rly? tbh i never felt supported by liz last time i messaged them but ill be ok 🩷