I might have to block someone and I feel horrible

JMMV2005

Me again lol

Sorry if I’m spamming the boards a bit lately, I know it’s ok to post about problems but I still have a nagging feeling I’m bothering people

Anyway back in college I managed to make one friend, but over time I’ve found it hard to communicate with her and we’ve fallen out of touch a bit

She has this thing she does where she says theres a problem then says “Its fine”, if I say I’m worried about her she gets upset because she doesn’t want to “Bother me”, every time I try and help she doesn’t listen and it feels like she’s just spitting my kindness back in my face, and I just feel like she’s putting up a barrier and I’m not able to have a normal conversation with her, it doesn’t feel natural when I talk to her it just feels like I’m always trying to find the right things to say, and whenever I try to talk about it to her she just changes the subject or doesn’t really listen, I don’t even feel like I know her, I don’t even trust her anymore because I can’t tell if she’s really mentally struggling or just taking advantage of my kindness

The last straw happened today and I finally completely broke and just lost all my patience, she started saying things like “I think I have a crush on someone” and “what would you do if I had a crush on you?” so she was obviously subtle hinting (and this isn’t the first time shes done this) so I ask “Be honest do you have a crush on me” then she just tries to change the subject and doesn’t actually communicate with me, if I’m honest I don’t have a crush on her back because she doesn’t communicate with me and I don’t even feel like I know her, anyway I try to explain again that I feel like I can’t communicate with her, and she changes the subject again, so I say to her something on the lines of “Thats it I’m putting my foot down, either you communicate with me and stop putting up a barrier when talking to me or I’m ending this friendship because it’s getting so stressful, horrible and confusing for me it’s effecting my mental well-being, It deeply pains me its come to this but I don’t know what to do anymore because you’ve completely broke me down and I don’t know what to do” and I sent her a helpline because she says she’s really struggling and I don’t know how to help her anymore so all I can do is encourage her to talk to professionals

Anyway I just feel horrible for doing this, I know I sort of have to because she’s making me feel horrible and she’s not letting me actually help her when she has a problem and just keeps pushing me away, but I’m just worried by doing this because she’s already really struggling it’s gonna make her feel worse and she might self harm or something, but like I said she’s not helping herself and she’s bringing me down with her to the point it’s not healthy to continue this friendship

Part of me is questioning if I did the right thing, like my social skills are pretty bad and I certainly don’t have the skills to deal with this smoothly, I just feel horrible because I want to help people but today I’ve had to hurt someone for my own mental well-being, did I mess up?

She hasn’t replied yet, the tension is killing me, but I think when she replies she’s probably not gonna do the sensible thing and actually communicate with me and is just gonna continue her old ways and I’ll just have to end the friendship for good

I know I’ve said in previous posts I don’t have any friends, but I don’t really even consider this a friendship anymore because I can’t even talk to her and I don’t know who she is anymore, the only other thing I have in my life thats close to a real friendship is I have an online friend in Australia, but I don’t even know him irl so it’s more complicated, so the closest I have to friends at the moment are my online friend in Australia and this friendship that’s probably about to end horribly for both of us

Sorry for the really long post

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New year, I know it can be a tough time but I hope it goes alright for everyone

Azziman

Hey @JMMV2005, thank you for sharing this experience with us here. You're not bothering anyone by posting on here - that's what the forum is for, and we're here to listen to you!

It sounds like a really difficult position you're in. On the one hand, you're trying to look out for this person. You're worried about them, you're being supportive and communicative, and you're concerned about their wellbeing. On the other hand, it does sound like this is taking its toll on you - not feeling like your help is being accepted, unsure that you know or even trust them, not feeling that you can have a proper conversation, and uncertain about where you stand with each other.

From what you've said, it sounds like these latter points were frustrating for you, and despite trying to address this beforehand, it led to a point where you had enough and made your feelings clear. To feel like a friendship is becoming stressful, hurtful and damaging your own wellbeing is not a good position to be in, and it sounds like you've taken steps to try and address this several times before this stage.

While friendships do have some give or take, feeling the way that you mentioned in that last message may be a sign that this friendship might not be healthy for you to keep. It's great that you want to help others, but it's also important that you look after yourself too. You can help someone, but you're not ultimately responsible for this person's wellbeing - you're responsible for your own. I think you've recognised that this person might need more professional help and tried to suggest this. While it's great to help those we care about, it's also important to recognise when someone needs more help than we can offer, and when trying to help someone is actually causing us harm.

Having a friendship can be nice because we interact and connect with others, but it's worth asking in this situation if maintaining this friendship is worth the pain that it is causing you. It might be worth assessing what this friendship means to you, and whether the impact on you is worth it on balance. If you decide to keep it, you'll be aware of that balance and that you're willing to maintain it. I know that you've mentioned that you don't have many friends, but you can and do deserve a friendship that is mutually beneficial and add to your life.

Since you've posted this a couple of days ago, you might have had more time to reflect on the situation. How do you feel about the friendship and what's happened? We're here to listen to you and support you through this

JMMV2005

@Azziman Thank you

I’m still waiting for a reply from her, I’ve come to the conclusion this friendship just isn’t healthy for me or her, I’m not sure what I’m going to do from now on, I think I’ll just give her the chance to reflect on what I said and if she wants to communicate she can message me, but I feel like she’s probably not gonna reply so I’m sort of just going to forget about it and move on for now

JMMV2005

Update: She replied basically pretending I didn’t say anything so I’ve just blocked her, it had to be done because I was starting to get really stressed and now I’ve moved on I feel a weight of my shoulders, I know that sounds horrible but it was genuinely becoming very unpleasant for me

Sian321

Hey @JMMV2005 , how are you doing? I just wanted to check in off the back of this thread to ask how things have been feeling lately?

I'm so pleased to hear that it feels like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders now that you've set that boundary by blocking contact. From what you've described, your dynamic with her sounds really, really tricky - esspecially how it was so difficult to talk openly with her, or how she'd re-direct your questions. I can imagine that being so tough when you're trying to have a friendship and to have honest communication. I know I myself can feel extreamly anxious when it feels like there's sub-text between me and someone else but it's not possible to 'name' it or talk about it.

How have you been taking care of yourself since this situation happened?

Sending hugs,

JMMV2005

@Sian321 Thank you for the kind words

I have been feeling better actually, I knew I did the best thing, I just wish it didn’t come to this, it seems like all the supposed “friends” I make just start ignoring me, don’t communicate with me and in more extreme circumstances turn out to be horrible, although that’s only happened once to me and I’ve learned and recovered from it

I just hope I don’t attract the wrong people in the future, but I think I’m better at spotting them now

Sian321

Hey @JMMV2005, I'm really pleased to hear that you're feeling a bit better, though I see what you're saying about wishing it never had to come to this. It almost sounds like there's a feeling of loss there maybe. This had been someone who was very important to you, and it's really valid to wish things could have worked out differently.

It seems painful to zoom out and think about your other friendships too and to notice patterns. What would say feels most important to you in friendships? What makes you feel most valued and cared for?

Sending hugs