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Feeling like im broken
Lottie5433
Posts: 119 The Mix Convert
For years now, ive been feeling like im broken and can't be fixed by anyone.
For some history ive struggled with self-harm since I was 9, been diagnosed with anxiety and depression since I was 15, most recently been diagnosed with an eating disorder at 21.
During this time I have tried online counselling which slightly help but didn't like that they called an ambulance for me because I disclosed I wanted to end my life - they didn't even try to get hold of me first which just made everything 10x worse at home.
Most recently I have been in CBT-ED for an eating disorder for about 10 months now. At time it has been helpful but I'm finding it difficult to open up completely about different aspects. But I found out recently that they are wanting to close the therapy this month - this just makes me feel like I've failed as not much has changed and they don't want to see me anymore. I just feel like I've wasted time so I have started to lie about various aspects so it looks like im "better" even when I'm not but I don't see a point in bring up new things if it's ending soon. Like my therapist basically told me that it's coming to an end because I'm not making or sustaining progress and have exceeded the number of sessions offered - this clearly shows i can't be fixed.
As well as this ive seen my GP multiple times and like I can't fault them as they are the ones that keep referring me to the CMHT for assessments. But they seem to think medication will fix everything.
I just don't know where to go from here.
Im in a constant cycle of finding hope and then hitting rock bottom.
I feel like im in a constant state of crisis but I hide this from everyone as I don't want anyone to worry or to interfere.
I dont see like any hope or reason to continue this battle any longer (btw I am safe). No matter how much help or support I get nothing helps and I end up getting abandoned so what's the point anymore. .
For some history ive struggled with self-harm since I was 9, been diagnosed with anxiety and depression since I was 15, most recently been diagnosed with an eating disorder at 21.
During this time I have tried online counselling which slightly help but didn't like that they called an ambulance for me because I disclosed I wanted to end my life - they didn't even try to get hold of me first which just made everything 10x worse at home.
Most recently I have been in CBT-ED for an eating disorder for about 10 months now. At time it has been helpful but I'm finding it difficult to open up completely about different aspects. But I found out recently that they are wanting to close the therapy this month - this just makes me feel like I've failed as not much has changed and they don't want to see me anymore. I just feel like I've wasted time so I have started to lie about various aspects so it looks like im "better" even when I'm not but I don't see a point in bring up new things if it's ending soon. Like my therapist basically told me that it's coming to an end because I'm not making or sustaining progress and have exceeded the number of sessions offered - this clearly shows i can't be fixed.
As well as this ive seen my GP multiple times and like I can't fault them as they are the ones that keep referring me to the CMHT for assessments. But they seem to think medication will fix everything.
I just don't know where to go from here.
Im in a constant cycle of finding hope and then hitting rock bottom.
I feel like im in a constant state of crisis but I hide this from everyone as I don't want anyone to worry or to interfere.
I dont see like any hope or reason to continue this battle any longer (btw I am safe). No matter how much help or support I get nothing helps and I end up getting abandoned so what's the point anymore. .
3
Comments
Having confidentiality broken is hard to deal with and can put a sense of mis trust in future help. Perhaps get clarification from thrm on confidentiality and their level of concern. Generally, confidentiality is breached when they feel you have no protective factors to kerp you safe- do you have any safety factors, plan that can help?