Friendship ended after fight

orangemoons

I'm really anxious about a friendship breaking down. I was visiting a friend in Dundee and passed throigh Edinburgh where another friend lives. I went through to get to Edinbrugh on the train to get to my destination, and on the way home I spent a few hours in Edinburgh and grabbed lunch with the friend i was visiting, this was on a whim.
These two friends fell out a long time ago and don't talk, so I'm always awkwardly stuck in thr middle.
I was only in Edinburgh for a few hours and posted about being with my other friend on Instagram, showing that i was in Scotland in a different city 1.5 hours away. On the train home I got a long text saying they were really hurt that I'd been so inconsiderate and selfish by not telling them I'd be there and trying to meet up. I also had another friend message to tell me I'd done the wrong thing and really hurt our mutual friend.
We had an argument about it because I really didn't think what they were asking was fair, and they were sending me paragraphs about how hurtful and unempathetic I'd been for posting on Instagram where they could see without telling them I'd be passing through.
The friendship is over and I feel really worried that I did the wrong thing and should have just apologised, and that I was being unempathetic and mean. I just felt like the reaction was so intense and cruel, telling me I'd done something wrong and been inconsiderate and sending me paragraphs about how much I'd hurt her feelings by being so selfish. I dont know anyone else who would react like this! I have OCD and severe anxiety and stuff like this really throws me

Azziman

Hey @orangemoons, I can hear how this situation is causing you stress. Being caught between friends never feels like a nice place to be, and it doesn't feel fair that you're caught in the middle of their disagreement.

It sounds like they were upset as they felt blindsided by you meeting with this friend. That being said, whether you feel it's fair that you need to notify each friend every time you're meeting the other friend, is another question. Sending paragraphs sounds like a serious reaction and might reflect how strongly they felt about this, and I can hear how distressing that would be to receive.

In terms of the friendship, I guess the key question that you'll need to figure out is whether this situation is going to get in the way of you being friends with the two that had a go at you. How would you feel about talking to those two friends, to give you all a chance to talk this out and find a solution together? We're here to support you through this

orangemoons

I was really shocked and hurt by the messages. They were mad that I was in Scotland and didn't tell my friend I was there even though I wouldn't have time to see her. They told me it was selfish and inconsiderate and were angry that I was posting on Instagram where she could see it. They kept saying they wanted to talk it out but were pressuring me for a response and I told them I didn't want to talk more about it because I didn't think what I'd done was wrong and they kept telling me I was unempathetic and had done the wrong thing and could have avoided it. So I shut it down and now the friendships are over. I'm worried I acted too harshly and did the wrong thing but I don't know if I want to apply friends with people who would treat me like this over something lile that

sinead276

hey @orangemoons i hope you're doing okay. first of all, i know this is a tough time, managing disagreements and arguments in friendships is never an easy task. just wanted to remind you that it's okay to feel shocked and upset by the situation, and it can't have been easy to feel pressured for a response. Sometimes it's often easier if you give yourself a bit of time to workout how you feel, and then, if you wish to, reach out to that friend.

But ultimately it's down to what's best for you and what would make you happy. And remember that us here on the discussion boards at The Mix would support you however we can with whatever ends up happening

Sending hugs
Sinead

orangemoons

Thanks I appreciate that. I ended up not engaging in a discussion about it because I didn't think they were being fair and the way they'd messaged me really hurt. The friendships are definitely over which sucks and now I'm just worried I overreacted

Alwayshope2day

@orangemoons, I think that one thing that is really important in friendship is how they make you feel- not that they are meant to make you happy but that if friends hurt you, that is significant. Being pressurised and blamed is also not healthy behaviour from friends. I know it can feel really difficult when your torn between friends and your loyalty and love for both of them. But situations like these can also be very revealing as to whether friendships are good for your heart to keep.

It really does suck letting go of friends, and I had to do this myself for someone who I realised wasn't very nice: they were nice to me when we were on good terms but not nice in how they spoke of others. It seems like you are stuck in the middle of something very heated that could get quite ugly, in which case, I think you have done the wise thing, which is to disengage. It definitely isn't overreacting to distance yourself from a situation like this. I've very sorry they've been hurtful when you had no other intent than to see a friend and to grab a casual lunch. They can only see your actions and how it made them feel. They can't see your intentions/motives. I'm sorry. It really isn't nice to be misjudged or to have your actions misread.

Try not to be hard on yourself: this is a reflection of the heat and dislike between those two and you have not done anything wrong. I know it really sucks to let a friend go, and leave questions in your head about whether you did the right thing. But even if it's sad, it can still be the right thing for you to prioritise your well being. Friendships should be safe- even in times of disagreement, true friends will care about how they make you feel and try to keep it kind