i keep blaming myself for mum death. 💔

eylah

im missing mum so much atm i miss her so much. i knew when drs told me shed was going to die that id have to live with dad but its been so hard since mum passed bc dads been rly abusive and ive tried to understand why but havent been able to bc hes not stopping. ( im safe). its been over month since mum has passed away and i keep blaming myself for her death i was trying my best to support her but was trying to support myself to but it wasnt enough . i hate myself so badly bc i keep thinking if i did more maybe she still would.be here idk but ive not got passed it hurts me more when i think abt everything. i hate myself i rly do bc i wasnt gd enough to help her nothing i did was and i cant stop thinking abt it all i rly cant bc everything was my fault. . i rly wish i could be with mum rn but i cant bc she wouldnt want that but i miss her so much its weird without mum my life has got worse since that day. i am trying every day to try see what i could do different but its just so hard for me to think rn and im just i cant stop thinking if i put her first more her mh issues then maybe life would be different. its so hard rn im sry im just struggling im missing mum so much rn sry for this post. im safe

shannonxg_

i have no idea what it’s like to loose someone so i’m not going to sit here and pretend that i do understand how you’re feeling but i would expect it to be one of the worst feelings to experience. i just want to say though, it isn’t your fault eylah🫶🏻

eylah

thankyou @shannonxg_ thankyou for replying

abbie1235

Im so sorry to hear about the passing of your mum eylah, this must be so hard to deal with and i wont pretend to understand how you are feeling but i am here for you. From what I remember from your posts you did so much to help your mum and supported her so much and I’m sure she really appreciated this. Im sorry to hear your having a difficult time with your dad at the moment too, i cant imagine this is helping with your grieving process. Please don't feel you need to apologise for sharing how you are feeling, this is what this is for and I’m so glad you feel able to share.

How are you feeling today? Keep speaking to people and reaching out as much as you can and we will support you through this in any way we can. I also just wanted to assure you that this isn’t you fault and try not to blame yourself for what happened, it’s obvious you cared for and loved your mum so much but sometimes life is unpredictable and out of our control.

eylah

hi @abbie1235 im not gd today had a dream abt mum and it wasnt gd so im upset abt that bc i just idk im missing her so much if i helped her more she might still be alive. thankyou for asking how i am it means a lot to me.

Gemma

I'm so sorry for your loss @eylah. It sounds so unbearably hard to carry so much pain and self-blame on top of the grief you're already going through. Losing your mum and facing such difficult circumstances with your dad must feel overwhelming, especially when you’re missing her support and warmth so deeply. You put so much effort into being there for her, and that takes so much love and strength - it’s clear how much she meant to you.

Can you let us know if you're feeling safe at home with your dad? We care about you.

Grief often brings such complicated emotions, especially when it feels like maybe there was more we could have done. But the truth is, you did everything you could, given everything you were going through yourself. Taking care of her, and yourself, under such tough circumstances was no small thing. Self-blame is so common, especially when we lose someone we love, but none of this was your fault. Your mum wouldn’t want you to carry this on your own or to feel responsible.

Are there any moments or memories with your mum that bring you comfort? I'd love to hear more about her if you'd like to share. You've done really well to reach out here - it’s okay to need others right now.

eylah

hi @Gemma ill reply properly soon but rn just got home from the hospital but im safe sry for the late reply ill reply soon im just rly tired and exhausted ❤️. i missed you to so glad your back ❤️

eylah

my mum was a kind person even when facing her illness she would put others first even though she should of put herself first. bc she got rly poorly she wasnt her usual self anymore i remember last xmas she made it so special she rly did its like she new it was her last i hope im making her proud its going to be hard this year with my birthday and xmas bc she isnt here. . she was the kindest person she was she would help so many ppl but wouldn’t help herself im just looking at her rn ( her ashes) and crying bc i miss her dearly . thankyou for the reply gemma sry i fell asleep 😴.

amy02

Gosh @eylah sending you big hugs right now Thank you so much for sharing those memories of your mum, she sounds like such a lovely soul and I can't imagine how much you must miss her. I'm sure she is proud of you as you push through such a difficult time, and I can see that same kindness in you the way you support so many others here on the boards! Remember we are always here for you to talk through those difficult celebrations coming up

eylah

im trying @amy02 its rly hard bc i keep having dreams? of mum being alive idk how to stop them bc i am having them mainly every night its hard bc its causing me to wake up crying in middle of night thinking shes alive but shes never coming back i wish they would stop but idk how to i just want my mum back bc she was my world 💔 thankyou again amy ❤️

eylah

been crying so much today bc i keep having these dreams of mum its getting so much to handle bc they wont go away

eylah

just woke up bc im having that dream nightmare type thing abt mum this is so hard bc its constantly waking me up i just want peace .

eylah

keep having them and idk how much longer i can deal with them

Matthew_04

Hi @eylah
Having dreams about your mum sounds so tough after everything that's happened
Remembering a loved one after they've passed away can be heartbreaking, especially when they've recently passed. It sounds to me like you were pretty close to her, I'm so sorry that she had to leave you so early.
It sounds like these dreams are waking you up in the middle of the night and making you feel quite upset, is that true?
After you wake up, do you do anything to deal with the dreams?

Sending big hugs through the screen, you're doing so well in such a tough and devastating situation

eylah

hii @Matthew_04 i cry when i wake up bc i have multiple panic attacks then fall asleep bc im so exhausted from not being able to breathe its getting uncomfortable bc i feel uncomfortable waking up bc ik what is abt to happen bc it keeps happening every night yes idk why they make me so upset bc i miss mum but its like its torturing me but idk why bc me and mum were rly close thankyou matthew i appreciate your support .

eylah

im needing sleep but i cant sleep im scared to bc im scared of having a nightmare.

Sian321

Hi @eylah, thanks so much for your message.

It sounds like this week has been particulary dreadful for you with the nightmares you're experiencing. This process of grieving you're going through sounds so intense and overwhelming. Grief has no timeline so please be gentle with yourself as you go through this. Before going to sleep, what does your routine look like? I know for myself it can be helpful to practice some calming exercises so my mind feels better prepared to go into a state of sleep and relaxation. Here's a link that speaks a bit more about that: https://www.calm.com/blog/how-to-prevent-nightmares
Does this feel like something you'd be interested in checking out?

If you're willing to share, I'd love to hear about some positive memories you had with your mum. The fact that you're coming on here and talking about what's been going on for you is so brave.

Sending lots of care, @eylah. We're all holding you in mind.

eylah

thankyou so much @Sian321 i will have a look at the link bc i would like ways to cope with these nightmares of mum. oh i just usually use chat on here and then have a bath and watch something on my ipad then sleep bc i have nothing exciting to do. i like doing breathing exercises bc they calm me down but when i wake up after the nightmare i have a panic attack and it doesn’t work but idk why that is bc it helps normally. i rly appreciate everything you and everyone done for me it means a lot to me ❤️