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My first funeral and complex feelings
RainbowPenguin
Posts: 3 Newbie
So... went to my granny's funeral last week. It sucked, obviously.
I don't think the gravity of her dying really hit me until the service started, and then for once I couldn't sing and I knew she was in the coffin but couldn't see or touch her and God it hurt. Then I stopped to say goodbye just before we left the crematorium, and I couldn't take my hand off the coffin and after I did I just started sobbing.
The part that freaks me out the most though is all the other stuff I was thinking and feeling, and still am on and off. Stuff like feeling better because I'd rented a nice suit that I felt more confident and honestly kind of hot wearing; or trying not to laugh when the priest's voice reminded me of the Bishop in The Princess Bride; or wondering if she's left me any money or, well, anything really. And the way that in the run up to travelling up, I was weirdly excited because Hotel, day off work - it felt like a holiday. And then fast forward to after the wake and being back on the train home, and all I felt was annoyed that we'd booked a train so late in the evening.
It's the bit about wandering if I'll get anything in the will that makes me feel especially gross I think. I mean I don't even need more money. And i loved her. Love. Whichever. Wtf is wrong with me?
I don't think the gravity of her dying really hit me until the service started, and then for once I couldn't sing and I knew she was in the coffin but couldn't see or touch her and God it hurt. Then I stopped to say goodbye just before we left the crematorium, and I couldn't take my hand off the coffin and after I did I just started sobbing.
The part that freaks me out the most though is all the other stuff I was thinking and feeling, and still am on and off. Stuff like feeling better because I'd rented a nice suit that I felt more confident and honestly kind of hot wearing; or trying not to laugh when the priest's voice reminded me of the Bishop in The Princess Bride; or wondering if she's left me any money or, well, anything really. And the way that in the run up to travelling up, I was weirdly excited because Hotel, day off work - it felt like a holiday. And then fast forward to after the wake and being back on the train home, and all I felt was annoyed that we'd booked a train so late in the evening.
It's the bit about wandering if I'll get anything in the will that makes me feel especially gross I think. I mean I don't even need more money. And i loved her. Love. Whichever. Wtf is wrong with me?
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Comments
If this helps, you're describing exactly the way I experience funerals too (unfortunately I've been to quite a few). The fairly normal build up and even excitement to see people, do something a bit different, and dress up a bit. The enormous weight of the emotional processing once you're there and confronted with everything, then just... getting back to normal after.
Mostly I just want to say that however you experienced your granny's funeral is totally okay. Grief plays out so differently for everyone, depending on the death and the circumstances and everything else. It's not meant to 'go' any specific way youy know. Especially because the feelings can be so complex and intense, maybe we even feel a bit numb to it.
I also don't think this means there's anything wrong with you. The will and any inheritance is something that needs to be settled when someone dies, and I think it's normal to wonder whether you'll be given anything during that process. You can have those thoughts and all the feelings of love and grief and heartbreak for the person who passed. One doesn't nullify the other.
I'm sorry about your granny by the way. Maybe you can tell us about her some time - it sounds like she meant a lot to you. Well done for going to the funeral. 💫
thanks eylah
i care abt you