what if things were different?

Rose113

if you know about my past then great this will make alot of sense to you but if you dont then heres some key points to my past without doing the full story because thatll take forever but yeah:

TW//

• i was born into an abusive, neglectful and a domestic violence household
• my birth parents were alcoholics and never looked after us
• nearly didnt live past 2 years old because of my dad
• was put into care on my 3rd birthday where the foster lady was abusive and gave me a long lasting fear of water and fear of people touching my hair
• got adopted at 4 to an absent parent that yells at me when she is around
• started sh when i was 9
• got sa'd when i was in year 7
• got bullied from year 2 - year 11 and then was beaten up at start of year 11 for looking at someone
• attempted too take my life multiple times from the middle of year 10 - the end
• lost over 10 friends too suicide across the years
• started age regressing in year 9 but then it got worse through the years too the point that it ruines my life because my speech changes or i loose my memory
• spent 3 years being called a disapointment by my english teacher in secondery and had to constantly deal with my teacher scribbling out my work with a black marker cos it was never good enough
• found out my dad had past away 2 years later through facebook
• found out theres 3 abuse articles online about the night i went into care
• then found out last week i have kidney damage

TW//

sooooo yeah, what if i hadnt been put into care, then id of been unloved by my own blood rather than someone that chose me,if i hadnt of been adopted then would i of been bullied? would i of had my attempts work? i kinda feel like my life would of been better if i never had been adopted..maybe id still been living with my brothers. maybe if things of been different then you guys would of never had to meet me or know me. everyones lives would of been better without me in

sorry

Rose113

I still can’t get the thought that I caused dad to die out my head because of that dream or vision I had a couple of years ago that turned out to be the day/date and year he had died

Amy22

You have been so through much in your lifetime and from reading this I can definitely understand why you would be thinking what if these things never happened. Really they shouldn't have happened to you as young as you were. You went through so much trauma and you deserve so much better. You don't have to apologise for who you are because despite through what you been through you are still trying and I can see a young person still getting through day by day. And this will sound cheesy but I can see a light at that end of tunnel and there will be something good for you soon. It's okay to feel this way too because what trauma often does will make us think what if this happened but sometimes it's hard to explain why these things happen. I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through all that and I bet it still takes a massive toll on your life to this day. It sounds like those people didn't make the right choices either too as well which happens to a lot of people. I'm always here if you ever need to talk as long as you feel comfortable too of course sending big hugs to you,

Amy22

Orchid059

Hi @Rose113 this is a lot to unpack and I'd just like to say I am sorry that you have been put through all that. You deserve to be raised in a loving and safe environment. It is understandable that you have these questions circulating because it comes naturally with curiosity, but unfortunately plaguing yourself with these 'what ifs' will only torment you more and that's not fair to yourself. Secondly, do not apologise for telling us how you feel. It takes a lot of courage to open up and share your experiences with the community and we are here to best support you through this. We see and hear you, and we're so grateful to have you here with us Rose. You are important and you matter. And you are no less important than anyone else- remember that because you deserve to be here.

Have these thoughts been recent or have they occurred before? If they are causing you a lot of distress it may be a good option to talk to someone about these, so they can unpack them with you and remove the negative assumption 'what ifs' and replace them with more positively reframed statements. It's important to not try and cover up your past and what has happened to you, after all, it has made you who you are today and after all the awful things people have put you through, you are still here and fighting. And that's a beautiful thing to see how far you have come. You are amazing and I admire your resilience whole-heartedly. I hope for the future that you can come to terms with what has happened and find peace for yourself, and that will take time. Remember to be patient with yourself and to be kind.

If you find times especially tricky remember to reach out to the support services below. There is nothing wrong with asking for help if you need it.

Crisis messenger (24/7) | text THEMIX to 85258
Samaritans (24/7)| call 116 123 | email jo@samaritans.org
Papyrus (2pm-midnight) | call 0800 068 41 41