I want things to get sorted
I've been struggling a lot over the past two years, as I've mentioned in my other threads. I just want my struggles to be over soon because it's tough and has been going on for a long time now. I want to feel like I'm in the same position as other people and not behind. I sometimes feel ashamed of myself for not working and I'm scared I'll resent myself when I'm older, thinking I wasted my younger years. I believe I'm still in my younger years now, so I want to make the most of them. I want to save money by working, be happy, and have different experiences.
Although I haven't wasted too much of my younger years—I have been to college—I'm not working yet, which gets me down. I feel ashamed of it, like it's a waste of time. However, I'm actively trying to get into work. I'm on job boards applying to jobs every day. I had a CV appointment yesterday, which will hopefully smarten my CV up and increase my chances of getting hired quicker. I'm also part of a program to help me get into work. My previous work coach has left, so I have a new one who will help me more. I've improved my self-confidence too, thanks to confidence courses. I used to struggle to answer phone calls and would reject them occasionally, but now I realize I need to answer calls. I try to answer all calls and call back if I miss one.
I struggle to see the small steps and progress and tend to compare myself to others. I worry a lot about what people think of me, fearing they might think I have a problem. I also overthink things, like when I had a call about a job while I was with my last work coach. It was on the spot, so I was unenthusiastic on the phone, which frustrated my work coach. I overthought it for days, worried I came across as job-dodging. I cleared it up with her, explaining it was my fault, and I called back to try a nd retrieve the opportunity. I still worry about how I come across and what my work coach thinks of me.
I often look at past experiences and struggle to leave them behind, thinking nothing is working for me. I sometimes get upset about past situations. There's not much more I can do about my work search now, but I hope my work coach will say at my next appointment that a job is right around the corner. I want to start earning money, achieve my goals, and feel happier. I think getting into work would help with my low mood, but I also wonder if I might need counseling or therapy to reduce it further. I don't have the courage to seek it out, though. I think a big issue is that I would feel guilty lying to my family about where I'm going. I want to keep it confidential if I get counseling. I've tried to get on The Mix counseling service via webchat, but it's always fully booked.
I'm not trying to make excuses; what I'm saying is valid. I should have gotten a job when I left college, but maybe everything happens for a reason. Perhaps now is a better time. I really hope things get sorted soon because I feel like I'm becoming more and more down. In terms of confidence at home, I think I've improved. I can talk on the phone and in person better, though there's still room for improvement.
My low mood affects my interactions with friends. Years ago, I was talkative, but now I'm quiet to the point of awkwardness, worrying that anything I say might be dumb. I used to be the opposite, talkative and annoying, and I worry about coming across that way. I want to be happy because if I'm just deathly quiet, there's no point in seeing me. They probably wonder why I'm so quiet. My true self is a good joker, friendly, but my low mood makes me quiet and seemingly miserable. I worry about what my friends think of my situation, as I told them I was looking for work months ago, and they probably think I'm not getting anywhere in life. I worry about what they think of whatever job I end up in, especially since some of them have good jobs, and I'm not working at the moment.
I also worry that other people are starting to wonder if I have a future. Several people have expressed concern for my future, which worries me even more. I hope my biggest fears don't come true and that my life won't be so bad that I'm long-term out of work. I really want to fulfill my goals, so I can look back on these times as the start of my journey and be proud of where I've come from. I just worry that in a few years, I might still be in a similar position.
I feel like I've made progress and that I'm getting there. I feel more mature now in person and in my engagement here. Back then, I was picky about jobs, wanting only the dream job, but now I realize I need to start somewhere, even if it's in retail with minimum pay. The major improvement I need is to get a job, income, and be settled so I can work towards fulfilling my goals. I really hope that happens soon because I'm becoming more down, and I'm just getting older while everyone else is moving ahead. I know I'm on my own path, but I want to get my first job while I'm still young. These setbacks are putting me more and more down. I have put in a lot of effort too. Times just passing by like a year ago, I wasn't working I was realising it was not ideal, now I still aren't and it feels like I have done nothing another year. We are in the second half of this year, I thought 2024 was going to be the year I make a redemption but I'm still not secured a job and times just quickly passing by but my progress isnt keeping up with it and people are just overtaking me, it can get scary you know. My situation might be foreign to a lot of people like they have gone to colllege or school then got a job or they have got an apprenticeship or gone uni and they'll just think what am I doing. It's hard not to worry about what people think. I just feel so behind and want it to change.
