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I faked 2 years of uni
celineiaaa
Posts: 1 Just got here
TLDR —> Failed first year of Uni, about the fail my re-take year. Developed habitual lying, avoidance and procrastination which is destroying my life.
I am 21 years old. I enrolled into Chemical Engineering BEng 2 years ago at Sheffield Hallam University. I failed my first year, and I’m about to fail my retake year. Thinking about moving to the University of Sheffield to study English Literature BA.
Let’s start with GCSEs. I did well. A top grade of 9 (A*) in English Literature, 8 in RE, 7 in Chemistry etc. Some good grades. Maths let me down. I got an average pass, grade 4. Never really enjoyed it.
But I love English. I’m naturally very good at it, even as a child. I wrote books, poetry and joined competitions. But societal pressures and lowkey parental expectations caused me to think of finding a more lucrative career/degree.
The summer before starting A-levels, I told my parents I’ll become a doctor because I loved the TV shows. I took a summer internship at NHS and medic mentor. That passion died out quickly.
A-levels results day. I initially wanted to take Chemistry, maths and physics. I couldn’t take them because I didn’t know that a grade 6 in maths was required to take any science A-level. How silly.
So I decided to take A-level English Literature, sociology and philosophy at an amazing Sixth-Form. I was on track for an AAA*, top of my class. Loved the environment, teachers, buildings, friends etc. I was selected to visit the university of oxford for an exclusive tour for A-level students with potential. I really wanted to become a lawyer at that point and study law at the University of Oxford.
Until, i dropped out 6 months into it. Huge shock for my parents. At the time, i thought i disliked the repetitive essay writing in English Literature. I was so naive. I didn’t hate it, and I should’ve recognised that this was normal struggle. I loved my other 2 subjects- philosophy and Sociology. I felt like I didn’t enjoy my a-levels when really, I just wasn’t feeling stimulated. I thought STEM would be the career for me. After all, I do have decent grades in chemistry and physics. Not maths however. I thought that even with my not so natural aptitude/passion for maths, I could study hard and achieve it anyway. Boy, I was so wrong.
I instead took a BTEC National extended diploma at Sheffield College in applied science, where I achieved grades DMM. I didn’t do as well as I hoped. Despised the new environment and the kinds of people there overall. I didn’t make any real friends here. Liked some modules though. This is where my mental issues started to arise due to the change of environment from college vs sixth form. I started procrastinating heavily, skipping classes and started making lies and excuses to push back exam dates. Eventually, I started to become a habitual liar to protect my reputation (even in personal life). My professor referred me to a mentor who suggested I get some therapy for stress management. It was via phone call which i hated. i prefer face to face. The therapy didn’t help and never went anywhere. It worked out in the end with my grades, but barely. I wanted a D*DD.
I then went into Sheffield Hallam Chemical Engineering. I thought lowly of this school, kept comparing myself to my boyfriend who went to a ‘real university’ (as my uni’s security guard said). My whole class were all guys (besides one other girl). I didn’t make any friends in my course. I started off really strong, engaging lots and showed enthusiasm. Fresh start. I really stood out amongst my professors. I really gaslit myself for 2 years into thinking I enjoyed the material.
Then I got punched in the face with how difficult the maths got. Everyone else seemed to know the answers. They all did A-level maths. I’m stuck at GCSE level. I could NOT let myself be seen as an imposter or embarrassment. Especially after showing everyone how confident I was at the beginning. For the first time, I felt stupid in a class. I avoided asking for help, but most of all, got so intimidated and bored of the maths heavy modules. It spiralled out of control. Eventually skipped all lectures, seminars, labs, exams. Everything. The same procrastination, skipping and lying continued into my 2 years at Hallam.
I went to a few counselling sessions that the uni provided after I realised it was really getting out of control. This was where they suspected ADHD, l sometimes noticed extreme cycles of going between very productive to a depressive slump. I frequently suffer from slumps, but they’ve never been as bad as the ones i’ve experienced 5 months ago. I want to continue therapy. These behaviours were paramount. It caused me to lie about my driving exams which I didn’t turn up to 3 times now and lied about it each time. I lied, made excuses and elaborate stories about a lot of big responsibilities since then. What started off as small white lies snowballed into a massive pile of deception. I lied so I can preserve my reputation and image that I have of myself. Naturally, everyone else was tricked into this. I’m SICK of living a façade and living with the anxiety of being ‘found out’. Always thinking ‘how do I explain this’ or ‘hmm, what story shall I make up to cover xyz in case they ask?’
I feel like a failure and that I’ve disappointed my family, friends and partner. I lied for 2 years about my grades at Sheffield Hallam and said that I’m doing well and enjoying it. I wasn’t. I hated the school, subject, people. And i didn’t say anything about it. They still think that I’m about to start my last year. I also feel like a failure because for 1 year i struggled to afford my rent. They had to pay my other half of rent every month for a year, and they struggled mentally and financially because of this. I also kept giving them false hope because i’d always tell them i’m doing fine and taking on these new exciting projects. Why did it take me this long to realise I didn’t actually enjoy it??? These behaviours are ruining my life and i’ve gone untreated for too long- almost 4 years now.
I now want to pursue English Literature BA at the University of Sheffield with a Foundation Year. I don't meet the standard requirement, but I want to have a shot applying as a mature student, and explain my situation to be considered for additional consideration.
I am 21 years old. I enrolled into Chemical Engineering BEng 2 years ago at Sheffield Hallam University. I failed my first year, and I’m about to fail my retake year. Thinking about moving to the University of Sheffield to study English Literature BA.
Let’s start with GCSEs. I did well. A top grade of 9 (A*) in English Literature, 8 in RE, 7 in Chemistry etc. Some good grades. Maths let me down. I got an average pass, grade 4. Never really enjoyed it.
But I love English. I’m naturally very good at it, even as a child. I wrote books, poetry and joined competitions. But societal pressures and lowkey parental expectations caused me to think of finding a more lucrative career/degree.
The summer before starting A-levels, I told my parents I’ll become a doctor because I loved the TV shows. I took a summer internship at NHS and medic mentor. That passion died out quickly.
A-levels results day. I initially wanted to take Chemistry, maths and physics. I couldn’t take them because I didn’t know that a grade 6 in maths was required to take any science A-level. How silly.
So I decided to take A-level English Literature, sociology and philosophy at an amazing Sixth-Form. I was on track for an AAA*, top of my class. Loved the environment, teachers, buildings, friends etc. I was selected to visit the university of oxford for an exclusive tour for A-level students with potential. I really wanted to become a lawyer at that point and study law at the University of Oxford.
Until, i dropped out 6 months into it. Huge shock for my parents. At the time, i thought i disliked the repetitive essay writing in English Literature. I was so naive. I didn’t hate it, and I should’ve recognised that this was normal struggle. I loved my other 2 subjects- philosophy and Sociology. I felt like I didn’t enjoy my a-levels when really, I just wasn’t feeling stimulated. I thought STEM would be the career for me. After all, I do have decent grades in chemistry and physics. Not maths however. I thought that even with my not so natural aptitude/passion for maths, I could study hard and achieve it anyway. Boy, I was so wrong.
I instead took a BTEC National extended diploma at Sheffield College in applied science, where I achieved grades DMM. I didn’t do as well as I hoped. Despised the new environment and the kinds of people there overall. I didn’t make any real friends here. Liked some modules though. This is where my mental issues started to arise due to the change of environment from college vs sixth form. I started procrastinating heavily, skipping classes and started making lies and excuses to push back exam dates. Eventually, I started to become a habitual liar to protect my reputation (even in personal life). My professor referred me to a mentor who suggested I get some therapy for stress management. It was via phone call which i hated. i prefer face to face. The therapy didn’t help and never went anywhere. It worked out in the end with my grades, but barely. I wanted a D*DD.
I then went into Sheffield Hallam Chemical Engineering. I thought lowly of this school, kept comparing myself to my boyfriend who went to a ‘real university’ (as my uni’s security guard said). My whole class were all guys (besides one other girl). I didn’t make any friends in my course. I started off really strong, engaging lots and showed enthusiasm. Fresh start. I really stood out amongst my professors. I really gaslit myself for 2 years into thinking I enjoyed the material.
Then I got punched in the face with how difficult the maths got. Everyone else seemed to know the answers. They all did A-level maths. I’m stuck at GCSE level. I could NOT let myself be seen as an imposter or embarrassment. Especially after showing everyone how confident I was at the beginning. For the first time, I felt stupid in a class. I avoided asking for help, but most of all, got so intimidated and bored of the maths heavy modules. It spiralled out of control. Eventually skipped all lectures, seminars, labs, exams. Everything. The same procrastination, skipping and lying continued into my 2 years at Hallam.
I went to a few counselling sessions that the uni provided after I realised it was really getting out of control. This was where they suspected ADHD, l sometimes noticed extreme cycles of going between very productive to a depressive slump. I frequently suffer from slumps, but they’ve never been as bad as the ones i’ve experienced 5 months ago. I want to continue therapy. These behaviours were paramount. It caused me to lie about my driving exams which I didn’t turn up to 3 times now and lied about it each time. I lied, made excuses and elaborate stories about a lot of big responsibilities since then. What started off as small white lies snowballed into a massive pile of deception. I lied so I can preserve my reputation and image that I have of myself. Naturally, everyone else was tricked into this. I’m SICK of living a façade and living with the anxiety of being ‘found out’. Always thinking ‘how do I explain this’ or ‘hmm, what story shall I make up to cover xyz in case they ask?’
I feel like a failure and that I’ve disappointed my family, friends and partner. I lied for 2 years about my grades at Sheffield Hallam and said that I’m doing well and enjoying it. I wasn’t. I hated the school, subject, people. And i didn’t say anything about it. They still think that I’m about to start my last year. I also feel like a failure because for 1 year i struggled to afford my rent. They had to pay my other half of rent every month for a year, and they struggled mentally and financially because of this. I also kept giving them false hope because i’d always tell them i’m doing fine and taking on these new exciting projects. Why did it take me this long to realise I didn’t actually enjoy it??? These behaviours are ruining my life and i’ve gone untreated for too long- almost 4 years now.
I now want to pursue English Literature BA at the University of Sheffield with a Foundation Year. I don't meet the standard requirement, but I want to have a shot applying as a mature student, and explain my situation to be considered for additional consideration.
7
Comments
Firstly well done for sharing this! This sounds like a lot and I can imagine it's been a big weight on your mind. I can also imagine it can't have been easy to talk about, so I'm proud of you for reaching out here
It sounds like you have had quite a journey with education, and I can hear it has been super frustrating for you. I think it's important to say, that our current education system definitely isn't set up for people with ADHD, and it can make us feel like we're not trying hard enough, even when we are trying really hard! It's really clear to me that you care about your education and you have put in a lot of effort, and I think if you can, it's important for you to take a step back and celebrate yourself for that. Your determination and resilience is incredible!
I'm really sorry to hear that you are struggling with anxiety and depression, as well as telling your friends, family and partner where you are at and I can really emphasise with how hard that is. Do you feel like you might be more able to let them know if you take a different approach? Perhaps you could write an email if talking about it feels too overwhelming right now? I also want to reiterate that you are absolutely not a failure. Your value isn't tied up in your qualifications or grades and it's okay that it's taking you some time to figure out the right path for you! I'm also super proud of you for attending counselling and it sounds like continuing with that is a really good plan. Hopefully it will help to work through and ease some of the anxiety and depression you feel around your studies
Please do keep us updated on how it's going. Sending you a big hug!
So i hope you will be alright and would be able to sort that out. Also hope your parents are supportive of you, and you'd get a more understanding reaction.