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How to keep sane during this?
TheNightmare
Posts: 2,024 Boards Champion
I'm going through a tough time job searching atm, and my family have been putting me down a lot. I have not managed to find anything suitable yet, and it's been tough with the uncertainty, negative thoughts, and everything. Then, like all the time, my family just go on about it, lecture me, and it puts me down even more. I have been getting a lot of support, which I really appreciate. I have to say thanks for that and the supportive comments on my last discussion with the hugs was amazing. I can't thank you all enough for that. So I have support here, and I've also done and am doing confidence-building courses, so I think they help, especially the support here. It's just, they help, but then not long after, my family always put me down again. I was feeling better, noticing positive points about myself, but family ruined it with negative comments. I have been having a tough time with it all, then my family say negative comments more. When I get support from here or just have a confidence building course I can come home and get negative comments and all that said to me again so I'm doing the courses but it feels like I'm being put down again so it's like I'm getting support but then being put back down again after getting it.
Friday support threads are helpful, helps me see the positive points about myself but then I have the negative points just thrown back it me to bring me down again so pretty much I forget the positive ones just focusing on the negative points. I can't say it's all my family making comments, what I mean by "family" is family member(s). I wouldn't mind being defended by other family members a bit more about this; I think it would be helpful. Also, I go to my uncle's to see him, and it used to be like a kind of a distraction with no other family members there to talk about things but now I have family come with me to his house, and they can talk about things there too, like when it's just the weekend and stuff; they just go on about me, doubting me, criticizing me, and stuff. It can be exhausting like at home I have the comments then when I go out to his house there's comments too. Like here or there, it can happen, just negative comments, criticizing, and everything like it's every day pretty much. Then I go to my uncle's, and it happens there too. I get other family agreeing with the person making these comments too. For example, I had a family member doubting me in a career I potentially want to do, but then they got more family members agreeing with them.
Friday support threads are helpful, helps me see the positive points about myself but then I have the negative points just thrown back it me to bring me down again so pretty much I forget the positive ones just focusing on the negative points. I can't say it's all my family making comments, what I mean by "family" is family member(s). I wouldn't mind being defended by other family members a bit more about this; I think it would be helpful. Also, I go to my uncle's to see him, and it used to be like a kind of a distraction with no other family members there to talk about things but now I have family come with me to his house, and they can talk about things there too, like when it's just the weekend and stuff; they just go on about me, doubting me, criticizing me, and stuff. It can be exhausting like at home I have the comments then when I go out to his house there's comments too. Like here or there, it can happen, just negative comments, criticizing, and everything like it's every day pretty much. Then I go to my uncle's, and it happens there too. I get other family agreeing with the person making these comments too. For example, I had a family member doubting me in a career I potentially want to do, but then they got more family members agreeing with them.
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Comments
It doesn't sound like your family members are worth your time of day if they put you down all the time, so it might be best to brush off their comments and advice because they don't sound like the sort of people worth listening to. If they truly cared and were supportive they wouldn't be so harsh on you all the time and "ganging up" on you. Even if they had doubts, there's a respectful way to go about bringing this up. I understand it can be really difficult especially if they're relatives but try not to let their words and actions get to you.
It sounds like you're struggling to find a peaceful and safe space just to exist without all the unsolicited comments etc. Do you have a local library you could go to? Or a local park to walk through? Or a beach? You could also try community spaces such as leisure centres etc?
I'm not sure if you're interested but volunteering could also buy you a few hours out of the house?
For when you're inside do you have any noise cancelling headphones/earphones? I've heard loop are quite good - it would give something to block out the noise:
https://loopearplugs.com/
Hope this helps and I hope things get better for you soon
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all that. It's really so crap to see you trying so hard and then to hear that you get put down, especially by family.
It's great you're getting support from here and doing those confidence building courses. I know it's tough when you start feeling better and then get dragged down again ( I can really relate to this) but just remember you've got people who believe in you here and we're not going anywhere.
It sounds like you're doing everything you can to improve your situation, and that's something to be proud of mate. The job search can be brutal, especially when you're dealing with negative comments from family on top of it but every little step you take, every course you complete, is progress. It might not feel like it now, but you're moving forward.
I hope you don't mind me saying but I've seen so much progress in you since I first "met" you. You've matured a lot, and it's amazing how much easier you are to talk to and get along with now. Your growth is really noticeable here, and I just wanted to say how proud I am of the strides you've made. It's not easy to change and grow, especially under pressure, but you've been doing it.. like you really have! I know @leyla26 and others have noticed this change in you too.
Maybe try to focus more on the positive comments and support you're getting here and from the courses. It won't make the negative stuff disappear, but it might help balance it out a bit. And if you ever need to vent or talk, I'm here for you. I know that helps me, I have a tricky time with my family too and whenever I feel down about it, I come here and it helps even it out a little for me.
Have you thought about talking to the family members who are more supportive and explaining how much the negative comments are affecting you? Maybe they can help defend you or at least help the others understand what you're going through. It might not change everything overnight, but it's worth a shot.
Don't let the negative comments define you mate. You've got a lot going for you, and things will get better. Keep pushing through, and remember you've got people on your side. Just keep going.
Take care brother. We've got you 💙
@lunarcat522 that's ok if you don't have much advice, thanks for replying anyway. Yh maybe I could put it down on my notes, might be a good idea tbf.
There are many different places like that so maybe that might be an option too. Volunteering im not really sure about but also I have headphones, not sure if they're noise cancelling, still might be a good idea too as well. Ill check them out too the ones you linked.
There's some good helpful suggestions there, thanks.
@Slinky I appreciate all that like its all true and sounds genuine, you're so mature for your age too man. I think I have made progress too like I think all I need to do is find some work and I'll be doing alright. 1 thing I'll say is just it is hard to focus on the positives when all this is happening like I pretty much forget it a lot of it because the negatively. Maybe talking to famliy might a good idea, would have to in private and at the right time though. Not trying to make excuses though bro and I am trying on the works side, I'm trying my best. Family I do try to ignore too but its hard. Maybe like the other user above if I note down my positives and I could remember them when there's negatively. I hope you're not struggling with your family issues too much as well man but great community here, everyone is so amazing, the mods, users including yourself, community team etc. I genuinely believe it would be a lot harder without and @leyla26 , you're beyond amazing too if you see this.
I genuinely appreciate the kindness mate for real.
I know and sure I’d never think you were making excuses. I know what I said is easier said than done
Talking about our feelings in general is difficult, let alone face to face with family members.
I have a lot of respect for you for even considering it and also because of how you continue to reach out here. It takes a lot of strength, particularly as a male 💙
@Slinky hi mate again, this reply didn't come up as a notification so I didn't know you commented again. You haven't ever said that im making excuses bro, its just me, I worry I might come across that way. It is difficult with family or anyone close or both. It does take courage to talk here too as a male as well because it can feel weak but I feel more comfortable now just to post about things or mention things more now. It's also not weak to talk about not being ok, this is a great place to talk about not feeling OK because no one is judgemental here or negative. I have a of respect for you too, taking time and effort out to support me. Thanks a lot man.
Hi @jayne26 thanks a lot for checking up on me. I think some days can be better but some days can be worse too. I have had a bit of an issue today so I think it's not been the best day, it's pretty tough and exhausting managing at times but I think I'm on the right path. Thanks a lot.