Anniversary

Rose113

TW// Alcohol and abuse and hallucination

So tmr/today (10th) is the anniversary of my dad's death and although I've not seen him since I was 3 it still leaves a big impact. No one really knows how he past other than it had something to do with his heart, it was suspected alcohol poisoning and if that was the case then he fucking deserved it....

I guess what bothers me is how I found out, he died in 2022 and I found out last year from Facebook and then a few months later social services called just to tell me -_- anyways I'd come across my birth mom's Facebook and that's how I came across a post about him...

I blame myself for his death I always have since a hallucination id had....sounds silly I know but basically it was around that time I had a hallucination of my dad showing up in a white gown and was saying sorry to me and stuff and I just didn't care and told him to get lost....at the time I thought it was my mind playing cruel tricks but I dont think it was.

But overall I'm glad he is dead, he never changed, he was an alcoholic drug addict that got what he deserved. Yes I call him "my dad" but he isn't, he may be apart of creating me but he certainly don't deserve that title after everything he did, neither does my birth mom, she dont deserve that title either.

But I still don't understand why his death still bothers me, maybe its the guilt of it feeling like all my fault?? Idk ☹️

Sorry

ebyrne556

Hey @Rose113 I just wanted to say I’m sending you a lot of love and hugs today. I can imagine it’s definitely not easy to have to deal with and I feel like it’s such a difficult one, but your feelings are definitely valid and it’s okay to feel complicated and complex around them. Look after yourself today and make sure that you do something for you. We are all here for you.

ella

Hey @Rose113, I can really hear how much this anniversary is bringing up for you but all the feelings you're experiencing are completely valid. Losing a parent, even one you haven't seen in a long time, is a huge thing to process. Add to that the way you found out and the complicated emotions around his passing, and it's no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed but you have done amazingly well to reach out to the community. We are all here for you today

The guilt you have about the dream you had is completely understandable, but it's important to remember that hallucinations aren't your fault. They can be a sign of stress or trauma, and it sounds like you've really been through a lot. It's okay to be glad he's not hurting himself or others anymore, but it's also okay to be sad about what you never had.

Here are a few things that might help you get through this anniversary:

Acknowledge your feelings: Let yourself feel whatever comes up, sadness, anger, confusion - it's all okay.
Talk to someone you trust: This could be a friend, your mum or someone from this community.
Do something kind for yourself: Take a long nap, read a good book, watch a funny movie - anything that helps you relax.

This community will always be here for you- you are doing so well