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Rebuilding Bridges that I Burnt by Accident
Radical
Posts: 5 Confirmed not a robot
Ok so this may go on for a bit but I want to give the full context to my situation.
During my first year of university I was in a really bad headspace (sought and got help so that's mostly in the past) but while I was in this panicked state of mind I wanted a sense of familiarity since I had no friends a the time at uni nor many outside. In an aim to achieve this I messaged a girl I was/still am romantically interested in however I want to stress that despite my interest in her romantically I reached out just on the basis of being friends, she rejected me in high school and I want to respect that she has no interest in me at this current time like that.
Anyway so I started by sending a simple "Hey there" message wanting to chat. Immediately I came over with this sense of panic and regret and deleted the message. Then I did the same the next day and the cycle repeats for about a week. As you can probably gather I was not in a great place. Now cut to the next week and I get a notification of a response. I'm panicking and I haven't even opened it yet and that's when I realized what had happened. The message I received was just politely asking me to leave her alone and that we aren't friends. Then I realized that all the messages I had sent were only ever deleted on my end and for her she got EVERY SINGLE ONE. I felt terrible and desperately wanted to apologise properly but she had already blocked me by the time I figured out what to say. A completely understandable reaction on her part as from her POV I was essentially constantly messaging her unprovoked.
I've been feeling terrible ever since. I really care for her and would absolutely value a friendship between the two of us even if it never went any further than chatting online a few times or hanging out once in a blue moon. But at this point I just want to have a chance to apologise properly and explain myself. Despite blocking me on their main account I could still message them on their other account but I didn't want to breach the boundaries that she had made between us. However, it's been over a year at this point and I'm just feeling worse and worse about it. I want to apologise... I want to be friends but I just don't know what to do. Is it even possible to fix this? I'm in constant anxiety and confusion about it and now it's affecting my daily life in ways like lack of sleep/very bad schedule, spurts of panic and lack of appetite. I'm just honestly not sure what to do from here.
Sorry for the very long post I just wanted to get this out there
Any help/advice/anything would be greatly appreciated
During my first year of university I was in a really bad headspace (sought and got help so that's mostly in the past) but while I was in this panicked state of mind I wanted a sense of familiarity since I had no friends a the time at uni nor many outside. In an aim to achieve this I messaged a girl I was/still am romantically interested in however I want to stress that despite my interest in her romantically I reached out just on the basis of being friends, she rejected me in high school and I want to respect that she has no interest in me at this current time like that.
Anyway so I started by sending a simple "Hey there" message wanting to chat. Immediately I came over with this sense of panic and regret and deleted the message. Then I did the same the next day and the cycle repeats for about a week. As you can probably gather I was not in a great place. Now cut to the next week and I get a notification of a response. I'm panicking and I haven't even opened it yet and that's when I realized what had happened. The message I received was just politely asking me to leave her alone and that we aren't friends. Then I realized that all the messages I had sent were only ever deleted on my end and for her she got EVERY SINGLE ONE. I felt terrible and desperately wanted to apologise properly but she had already blocked me by the time I figured out what to say. A completely understandable reaction on her part as from her POV I was essentially constantly messaging her unprovoked.
I've been feeling terrible ever since. I really care for her and would absolutely value a friendship between the two of us even if it never went any further than chatting online a few times or hanging out once in a blue moon. But at this point I just want to have a chance to apologise properly and explain myself. Despite blocking me on their main account I could still message them on their other account but I didn't want to breach the boundaries that she had made between us. However, it's been over a year at this point and I'm just feeling worse and worse about it. I want to apologise... I want to be friends but I just don't know what to do. Is it even possible to fix this? I'm in constant anxiety and confusion about it and now it's affecting my daily life in ways like lack of sleep/very bad schedule, spurts of panic and lack of appetite. I'm just honestly not sure what to do from here.
Sorry for the very long post I just wanted to get this out there
Any help/advice/anything would be greatly appreciated
Post edited by Radical on
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Comments
Here is something which has stood out to the me most in your message- you clearly care a lot about this person, and even though things didn't go the way you'd hoped, you're still taking responsibility for your actions, which is really great. It's also completely understandable that you'd be feeling so anxious and confused after all this time.
Although it might be difficult, it sounds to me that the best way to show respect now is to continue to give her space, even on the other account. This is the best way to show her that you respect her boundaries and needs
I also really want to zoom in on self-forgiveness here. It sounds like you were in a really tricky place with your mental health and the thing that matters now is that you've apologised and sound really self aware of what happened and why. Not feeling great about doing something out of character is healthy and natural but there comes a point where self compassion is important for moving on. You deserve to be happy and accepting of yourself
I wonder if focusing your energy on building friendships with people who are currently available and open to connecting with you is the healthiest path forward? You really do deserve positive connections, and I am sure there are people out there who would love to get to know you.
It might take some time, but with some self-compassion and effort, you can definitely move past this and build strong, healthy relationships in the future.
If you'd like to talk more about any of this, we are here for you.
My most recent time of being there (which im okay talking about) was with someone whom I currently go college with and she very much turned around one day and said we're no longer friends and she blocked me and I was up with her all night 2 days prior
For me personally I think just moving in from the prospect of having her as a friend is the easy part, the part that really gets me is the lack of closure from not giving her an apology. Since I lost a family member that was close to me a while ago I’ve hated having things left unsaid (in my particular case the last conversation I had with that family member was a bad arguement, I was like around 12 at the time but the next day they passed away so it really stuck with me) another thing that I guess worries me is the prospect of running into her around the town we live in. I’d want to go up and apologise, I’d want to explain everything, they’d probably listen but if this scenario actually happened I’d know I’d chicken out and not say anything like I try and avoid people from my past if I see them in public.
Yeah I really do appreciate what you're saying thanks a lot. I'm just really unsure how to feel. Waking up this morning and thinking about it more I found myself crying again about the whole situation, let alone my terrible nights sleep of me waking up panicked at like 2am. The worst thing for me is the idea that she hates me. Do I have any evidence of this? No. But I can't help but feel terrible about what I've done.
Part of me was hoping that maybe after over a year of constantly thinking about this issue I'd have a solution and be able to send her a proper apology and I've written numerous ones up hoping that she could understand but...I just don't know what to do. I can't get over how I feel about her and given the actual timescale of like 7years since I started liking her I don't know if I can ever truly move on. I'm just a wreck honestly
About the apology and 'leaving things unsaid' trust me I feel that soo much. Even just reading this situation makes me feel anxious about them not knowing the truth and the really strong urge to tell them that is wasn't your fault, and that you had no clue the messages were only deleted on your end. You didn't know! And it totally makes sense why this would stick with you for a whole year!
Sorry I really don't have any advice I could give here, beside telling you that you are heard and it really is a tough situation for you. To echo what Ella said, it may be better to learn to let this go and focus on new friendships in the future. Its easy to get stuck in the past and constantly overthinking 'what if it was different' or 'what are they thinking about me' or 'if only they knew!' But doing this won't get you much forward unfortunately
Also I know its hard, but maybe next time a situation like this happens, don't delete the message? It would be safer that way, and the fact you sent it in the first place shows you were meant to send it, and you wanted to send it. It could be a good way to improve confident in yourself I think? I dunno, just a thought. But again, I am aware most of this is much easier said than done.
I hope you can move past this situation soon. And if you ever get the chance you could still apologise to her, but its also okay if you don't, its not the end of the world
I understand moving on is the logical thing to do, I've known that since I was shot down back in high school but I don't know why I just can't. Every time I just keep going back to her. Like I want to apologise. I want to ask to start again and be friends but I know I shouldn't.
I just keep going back and forth
You got to isolate yourself from her I know it hard I'm currently going through similar but it happened to me soo many times I'm numb to it now