someone help me out please

yana

ive always been a hopeless romantic and idk if i believe in soulmates but ive always believed theres someone who l'll marry and have babies with and be happy with like my parents. they argue sometimes badly but they always fix it and they're still going strong. about 3 years ago
everything was reallyy shit like as in i was suicidal and things were incredibly dark and i lost hope and turned to some bad things im not proud of and things got better and then
they got worse again and then my boyfriend came. he saved me.
fasr forward ten months and now im here and im scared.
that this relationship has shown ne how incapable i am of being a good gf. i think i need to learn to be happy alone without feeling like i need a partner but i feel gut wrenchingly depressed every time i see a couple even now that i have a bf i still feel empty and hopeless when i see a couple together. i want that so bad. it sounds so stupid. im scarsd that if ileave my bf I'll go back to him again
i'm scared that if i leave him
things will get worse.
i think it might help though. i think if i leave him ill feel free.
but im scared that if i leave him i wont find someone who will love me again my brain is like 'yana youre only 17 of course youll find someone' but it feels like theres so much
aboht me that is so hard to love the chances are so low

thia relationship with my bf has been crumbling for months. yesterday we both finally acknowledged how incredibly unhealthy it is. we held eaxh other and cried when we realised our only option is to break up and then we agreed to never break up whicunis obviously stuoid but oh god we.keep trying to break up and we always end up running backnto each other. im not good at being ina relationship and im not good at being alone.

ive tried so hard to fix the relationship but he's not doing anything because he thinks its my fault
it doesnt matter becwuse i neee to leave him

but itw tonna hurt wi mych. i cant do it. im so exhausted and i cant do this relationship for much longer. at one point i was sure he was my soulmate. i was sure i loved him. now im not sure i do anymore but i know i definitely did at some point. i used to think teenagers who are in relationships and day theyre in love are just silly bevause its puppy love but this is the realesy thing ive ever felt but i cant do it anymore.

one of the strongest causes of my deppressiom has been loneliness. it sounds atupid but its the most deep intense painful loneliness like someone has scooped my heart out and trapped me in a cage alone for infinite years with no human interaction. that all went aaay ahen i found my boyfriend. but being with him hurts so much. i think love hurts worse than loneliness.

im no love expert but that doesnt sound right to me. i dong ghink its meant to hurt like that. my friends have ben gelling me for months i need to break up withhim. ive tried so hard but its impossible and i think the only way it will work is if i cut him off entirely. sau goodbye block him and delete his number. i physically canf do it though. ive tried before multiple times and it ends in me having the most horrific panic attacks. idk wtf is going on i just know its absolutely fucking exhausting and im so so drained and i just dont know what to do and i still have so mcuh to say. this isnt even a tenth of wbats going on in my head to do witn my boyfriend.

and on top of all the shit with my bf ive got
everuone telling me im neurodivergent

my youmger sisgee trying to kill herself
continiously

my youngest sister who ive tried so hard to protect cries herself to sleep every night

my mums mentak healtb is turning to shit again

school is the most stressful thing ive ever edperienced

friendsjips are a mess right now. all friendships

j could go on and on.
im fucking exhausted. i feel so goddamn alone.

sputnik

Hey @yana ,

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation right now, it sounds really difficult and a lot for you to carry. It sounds like you don't feel very secure in your relationships right now, at home, with friends or with your boyfriend. Is there anyone helping to support you and your family at the moment? It's an awful lot to cope with and you're doing incredibly well

It sounds really painful trying to break up with your boyfriend, I can't imagine how hard that must be! It feels as though you have a very insightful perspective on the relationship, and that you don't want to continue with it if it's not good for you. I feel like I'm hearing that you want to feel like an individual again? Like maybe you feel kind of stuck to your boyfriend, or that he's part of you, and although in the past that's perhaps been what you needed and helped you, maybe now you feel like you need to develop in your own way - not alone, we all need people around us to support us and help us stay grounded - but as your own person. I don't know, just wondering.

It sounds like you feel a lot of responsibility for your family and that things are really difficult at home at the moment. Are you, your mum and/or your sisters receiving any mental health support at the moment? Like therapy, counseling or a mental health team? I know what it's like to have mental health issues personally and in the family, it's hard I know - but you're really not alone, even if it feels like you are

BensonE

yana wrote: »

ive always been a hopeless romantic and idk if i believe in soulmates but ive always believed theres someone who l'll marry and have babies with and be happy with like my parents. they argue sometimes badly but they always fix it and they're still going strong. about 3 years ago
everything was reallyy shit like as in i was suicidal and things were incredibly dark and i lost hope and turned to some bad things im not proud of and things got better and then
they got worse again and then my boyfriend came. he saved me.
fasr forward ten months and now im here and im scared.
that this relationship has shown ne how incapable i am of being a good gf. i think i need to learn to be happy alone without feeling like i need a partner but i feel gut wrenchingly depressed every time i see a couple even now that i have a bf i still feel empty and hopeless when i see a couple together. i want that so bad. it sounds so stupid. im scarsd that if ileave my bf I'll go back to him again
i'm scared that if i leave him
things will get worse.
i think it might help though. i think if i leave him ill feel free.
but im scared that if i leave him i wont find someone who will love me again my brain is like 'yana youre only 17 of course youll find someone' but it feels like theres so much
aboht me that is so hard to love the chances are so low

thia relationship with my bf has been crumbling for months. yesterday we both finally acknowledged how incredibly unhealthy it is. we held eaxh other and cried when we realised our only option is to break up and then we agreed to never break up whicunis obviously stuoid but oh god we.keep trying to break up and we always end up running backnto each other. im not good at being ina relationship and im not good at being alone.

ive tried so hard to fix the relationship but he's not doing anything because he thinks its my fault
it doesnt matter becwuse i neee to leave him

but itw tonna hurt wi mych. i cant do it. im so exhausted and i cant do this relationship for much longer. at one point i was sure he was my soulmate. i was sure i loved him. now im not sure i do anymore but i know i definitely did at some point. i used to think teenagers who are in relationships and day theyre in love are just silly bevause its puppy love but this is the realesy thing ive ever felt but i cant do it anymore.

one of the strongest causes of my deppressiom has been loneliness. it sounds atupid but its the most deep intense painful loneliness like someone has scooped my heart out and trapped me in a cage alone for infinite years with no human interaction. that all went aaay ahen i found my boyfriend. but being with him hurts so much. i think love hurts worse than loneliness.

im no love expert but that doesnt sound right to me. i dong ghink its meant to hurt like that. my friends have ben gelling me for months i need to break up withhim. ive tried so hard but its impossible and i think the only way it will work is if i cut him off entirely. sau goodbye block him and delete his number. i physically canf do it though. ive tried before multiple times and it ends in me having the most horrific panic attacks. idk wtf is going on i just know its absolutely fucking exhausting and im so so drained and i just dont know what to do and i still have so mcuh to say. this isnt even a tenth of wbats going on in my head to do witn my boyfriend.

and on top of all the shit with my bf ive got
everuone telling me im neurodivergent

my youmger sisgee trying to kill herself
continiously

my youngest sister who ive tried so hard to protect cries herself to sleep every night

my mums mentak healtb is turning to shit again

school is the most stressful thing ive ever edperienced

friendsjips are a mess right now. all friendships

j could go on and on.
im fucking exhausted. i feel so goddamn alone.

You okay???

Maisy

Hey there,

It sounds like you've been through an awful lot. It's good that you aren't in that dark place anymore, even though things aren't as good as what they used to be.

Relationships can give us a lot of happiness and there's no harm in wanting that. But I'm curious as to why you believe your current relationship has shown you that you aren't capable of being a good girlfriend? No-one should make you feel like you aren't capable. And if it is just a feeling you have, it doesn't necessarily mean that that it's true. It might be that you need to spend some time healing to get to a place where you do feel capable (because you are!).

It's good that you've tried to discuss things with your boyfriend and tried to fix things. However, it is concerning that he isn't willing to work on anything as he see's things as your fault and that he also doesn't want to split up. And while it definitely is possible to experience love as a teenager (and maybe you really did love your boyfriend at one point) love isn't unhappiness and hurt. It shouldn't be one person's fault, one person to fix things or making promises to never split up.

When we are lonely, it can feel really painful. We might desperately want to have a relationship so that we aren't lonely anymore. If the relationship isn't working or isn't right for us, it's natural to feel conflicted. You want to leave because you realise this isn't right but equally you are scared of what might happen if you do leave. It can take some time to adjust to being single and it can be really tempting to go back to an ex. But you deserve happiness. It's very possible to have a happy relationship with someone else and it's also possible to find some happiness in being single too.

Break ups are rarely easy. But it sounds like you've got friends on your side. How about confiding in them or your parents or someone else that you trust? They might be able to help you through the break up- figuring out what to say, deciding on whether you need to block him everywhere (possibly even doing it for you, if you feel unable to), what to do if he tries to contact you again or you feel tempted to go back etc.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. Perhaps when things are a bit calmer, you might want to look into whether you might be neurodivergent. Neurodivergent people are likely to say they feel lonely and end up in poor relationships, but with the right knowledge and support, it doesn't have to be this way. It's possible to have really good relationships with others- you just need to find the right people for you. If being neurodivergent is a possibility for you then you could get in touch with your GP who can refer you for an autism or adhd assessment.

You are being so strong trying to support your sisters as well, especially if your mum is struggling too. I hope that they are able to get the help they need and on top of that, you have someone you can talk to as well, such as a counsellor or someone you trust (teacher, school nurse etc). You deserve support and shouldn't have to go through this alone. We are here for you