Calmness vs Anxiety (Monologue)

Dancer

This is a monologue that I wrote which compares how someone might look calm on the outside but is battling with anxiety on the inside. This is something which I feel able to relate to.

My body feels free and no longer tense. The voices in my mind are silenced and replaced with pure calmness and my anxiety is no more. Panic attacks are a thing of the past and for once I holistically feel good. Not good. I feel perfect. It feels like I am freely floating in the air and my confidence is sky high. It feels like this is all a dream. If only this was real, but it's not.

Instead, I feel the opposite. I want to feel relaxed, confident, and carefree but I can't. Life just seems to be like that. Like a dream but more of a nightmare. The thoughts race through my mind and are loud, just like voices. Voices that are holding me back. Restraining me from my hopes, my dreams, my happiness, and my confidence. Every moment of every day, I must bottle this negativity up and fake a smile. Many days I can hardly even get out of bed, and I feel so alone. Alone with the voices and the anxiety. There's no escape and I lose control. Eventually, I just must force myself out of bed and out of that bubble. The bubble of emptiness. And not a good type of emptiness. Isolation. Anxiety. Not able to talk to anyone about it.

“How are you?” “I'm fine. Just a bit tired.” Tired of bottling up everything. Tired of the constant anticipation and my thoughts. Tired of always fighting my battles alone. Everything can and does then build up into a panic attack. My heart starts racing to a thousand times a minute. I hyperventilate. My breath feels stuck and can't get out. It feels suffocating. My body feels shaky. I get pins and needles going through my body. The thoughts get louder and tell me I am a burden and I disappoint everyone. It's not always all that but sometimes it is. It drives me insane. But that's just my life. To me. To others, it seems like rainbows and unicorns and all things amazing.

cc_ilaria

@Dancer You are really good at writing, and expressing how you feel in writing 💜

I’m sorry you relate to this Dancer, it is exhausting to be battling through all these feelings in silence.. when nobody can see them but they feel so strong inside

Im always here for you, you’re not alone through this

Azziman

Hey @Dancer - thank you so much for writing this post. I can hear how difficult it is to experience one set of emotions, but feel the need to display another set to the world. I'm sure a lot of people reading this will relate to what you've written here.

Despite the adversity, you're fighting through this day after day and making it through, and deserves credit. You're doing ever so well to keep going! And we're for you through this, rain or shine - because you deserve to be heard and feel listened to!

Amy22

Hey @Dancer thank you so much for sharing your monologue with us, I found it very beautiful to read and I wanted to say that you are not alone in your battle. Well done for writing this, as this has such an important message about how we may see calm on the outside but on the inside we are crying out for help, support and recognition .