OH MY COWS

Former Member

So way back long ago I mentioned a guy named Xxak (not his actual name) in one of my previous posts. I just went to the gas station I used to work and saw him. Asked him a quick question about my gauges because I was concerned about ripping one of my earlobes and I had to ask him for an application for a friend. I saw other previous coworkers which was really nice. When I was walking out to drive home, Xxak was in his car and pulled me aside..!! We chatted briefly not really about anything serious and he was like "hey let me know if you'd ever be down to hang." I know exactly what this means because of our previous history together and I'm elated!! I have missed him and thought about going back and trying to start a relationship with him again once I turned 18 (which is in 4 months) but I'm happy to hear that he wants to at least start hanging out again. My only dilemma is that I don't have a phone right now and probably won't till school starts again. But I get my car next weekend soooooo!!! Oh my freaking cows. He's still so freaking beautiful ugh. Anyways. I'm also trying to get my life back together after I basically went on a month long bender so maybe not? I have to decide if that relationship is going to be good for me in the future or not. I also kind of like someone else so.

Also I am self- loathing because I sound very straight when in fact I'm not but I don't know. I talk mainly about guys, but women and nonbinary people!! I'm pansexual, I just have been going after men a lot I guess. Anywaysss🤭

Former Member

lolll 'oh my cows' just makes me laugh soooo much. I'm so glad to hear this though! I can literally hear in the way you wrote this how happy it made you honestly my best advice just sounds kinda obvious but please please don't rush because I underestimated how fucking hard a relationship could be. I'm currently in a relationship and don't get me wrong I adore my bf but damn it's a lot and I've come across so many challenges I never would've even imagined but you seem smart so ig u know this anyway. the most important thing is that you have support and you don't rely on him or anyone else too much. and loll dw abt sounding straight apparently I sound really straight too lmao which is great for when my sister teases me in front of family I'm not out to yet but otherwise it's just bad bcs my therapist literally asked me 'do you feel like you're leaning towards being heterosexual' and when I told her I went to pride she was like 'did u feel like u fit in' and i was just like 'bestie I had my first kiss with a girl and was in a year long relationship with one (we can ignore the fact it was a silly little year 9 relationship) you can't think I'm straight' but yeah fuck what everyone else thinks

Azziman

Hey @mk1881, I'm glad to hear that this experience was a happy one for you! It sounds like along with getting a new car (exciting!) and getting your life back on track, that you're in a good space at the moment. How do you feel you're doing at the moment, all things considered?

Definitely think it's a good idea to give the relationship some thought, especially if you're interested in someone else. It can feel really exciting to think about, but also it's worth considering how it affects other areas of life and priorities too. That way, if you do decide to go for it, you'll feel better on making that decision. I hope that whatever you decide, it brings you happiness

Former Member

@Xee i literally relate so fucking much to everything you said lol. Also I went back and saw him..🤭

Former Member

AND??? how did it go??? my hopeless romantic brain is already shipping you two and hoping something happens and coming up with scenarios and IT'S NOT EVEN ME OMFG WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME AJSJWMSIWK

Former Member

@Xee, girly pop!! There's nothing wrong with you lol I feel the same. Um not anything super serious happened. We talked logistics. So backstory the first time we were 'messing around' he had a girlfriend. Not my proudest moment.. And so this time I asked him if he was still together with her and he said yeah but it's on and off. And I told him I was like, I don't really want to do that again, because the sex is greatt capital t. But I want more and I was like maybe we just wait till I'm 18 and he was like yeah maybe. So I don't know we do want to try a relationship but I need to figure my own shit out right now and I don't want to just have a 'casual relationship' with him anymore. So yeahh. But it was like cute awkward and I gave him a hug and it was really nice. I missed holding him lol

Former Member

@mk1881 yayy that's great if you're anything like me you would've been tempted to be like 'fuck it let's have sex' so well done for not doing that lmao.

I missed holding him lol

idk why but reading this made me really sad 😭 I feel like I have nothing physical in my life idk how to explain it but nothing feels real it's almost as if I'm hallucinating or something (I'm not but like I might as well be)

Former Member

@Xee what's going on love? Are you just dissociating a lot more..? If there's anything I can do my dms are always open don't hesitate to reach out, I'm here for you!!

And yeah.. I might end up doing it cause he's literally so pretty and hard to say no to but ugh idk. I'm not gonna make rash decisions:)

Former Member

idkk it doesn't feel like it's dissociation, like I've heard people describe dissociation and i don't read it and think 'oh shit wow I relate' it's just this weird feeling like I'm living life on autopilot but I'm also like right in the driver's seat and the fact I'm making all these decisions and feeling all these emotions is so overwhelming that I just choose to switch to autopilot. i don't even understand the way I explain things. sometimes I'll read back a vent and be like 'woah I explained that so well' but then the next day I'll read it back and be like 'wtf why did I lie like that I don't feel like that' and then I'll ask myself 'ok so how do I feel then???' and my mind will be blank and I'm like 'wow thanks brain you're so useful' and it's just not very fair because I've never understood understood myself the way I do rn. like I'm my own bestie. but then I'm also just so confused. I think the more I type this the more confused I feel so I'm gonna stop typing.

anyway lmk if u do anything w him but yuppp please don't make rash decisionssss!!! i make way too many rash decisions it's really concerning 😭

MatchaMia

@mk1881 !!!!! I'm happy for you you sound so excited and I can practically feel the screams from the screen hahahah

I do want to say though, I agree on not rushing anything. Definitely take some time, where you're feeling a lot calmer. People always say not to make major decisions based on elevated emotions. Perhaps ask yourself if he can really give you the commitment you want and a true loving relationship, and that the same patterns / behaviours before won't happen again. You deserve more than casual if that's what you want !! I do also think that if you're going through some stuff that you want to heal from / sort out, maybe you owe yourself some time for yourself, to tackle that with independence as it can lead to over-dependence in a relationship....Unless you believe he can support you with everything? Try not to let the physical attraction remove the importance of emotional stability! I hope it all goes well!