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I'm scared
JJLemon18
Community Champion Posts: 2,061 Boards Champion
Hi. I don't know what's happening anymore. Everything is falling apart, there is so much shit happening to me that it feels like this world is doing everything to finish me off mentally. I've had enough, I don't know what to do anymore.
I hate to say it. I don't want to say it. But I've been feeling really suicidal lately, I know what its actually like now (at least a bit). But I'm safe, I have a family and a lot of things holding me to this life. I really don't want to do it, but I've just been thinking about it a lot lately, too much actually. And I hate it, I hate the thought of it and I hate saying it out loud. But without my family idk if I could handle it. I feel so useless. I feel like I don't belong in this world. Its all too much for me, I don't understand it. I'm not living, I'm just existing, I'm here just because I'm trying not to ruin someone else's life. My family have a lot of problems too, they need me.
I find it so hard to care for myself anymore, I'm just a horrible mess at this point. I find it hard to get out of bed but I find it hard to sleep too. If not for my mum I would have not eaten any breakfast yesterday. Hell, if not for her I wouldn't eat at all. I opened the fridge last morning and I couldn't make myself any food, I just couldn't do it. She had to make something for me.
I can't think, every word that comes out my mouth (or that I type out) doesn't feel real, they all feel meaningless.
I'm so restless. No matter how I sit or lie down I'm incredibly uncomfortable. I can't sit still at all.
I'm afraid of people, more than I ever was before. I don't want to leave the house at all. I started getting panic/anxiety attacks for no reason.
I don't like what I'm studying anymore.
I feel completely lonely.
Oh, and if that all wasn't enough I recently realised I self harm, a lot. I don't like to call it 'self harm' as it sounds too serious for what it is but I am technically leaving scars so yea... my life is screwed. I see absolutely no future for myself. Everything is wrong with me.
I'm scared, I'm really scared, I'm scared of what is happening to my life, and I'm scared of what it will become. I'm also scared how much more shit I can endure before I get completely broken. I already feel unfixable.
I'm so sorry for this stupid depressing ramble. I've been keeping a lot of thoughts to myself recently, but I just couldn't take it anymore. My past couple of days have been seriously tough.
I really apologise for how bad all of this sounds, I'm still having thoughts that I shouldn't be posting these. You won't believe how much I hate making posts like this, I just feel so bad about myself later. But I'm so done now, I can't care less anymore. (But please god I hope no one I know ever sees my posts here on the mix)
I'm sending hugs, but what do they even mean anymore...
I hate to say it. I don't want to say it. But I've been feeling really suicidal lately, I know what its actually like now (at least a bit). But I'm safe, I have a family and a lot of things holding me to this life. I really don't want to do it, but I've just been thinking about it a lot lately, too much actually. And I hate it, I hate the thought of it and I hate saying it out loud. But without my family idk if I could handle it. I feel so useless. I feel like I don't belong in this world. Its all too much for me, I don't understand it. I'm not living, I'm just existing, I'm here just because I'm trying not to ruin someone else's life. My family have a lot of problems too, they need me.
I find it so hard to care for myself anymore, I'm just a horrible mess at this point. I find it hard to get out of bed but I find it hard to sleep too. If not for my mum I would have not eaten any breakfast yesterday. Hell, if not for her I wouldn't eat at all. I opened the fridge last morning and I couldn't make myself any food, I just couldn't do it. She had to make something for me.
I can't think, every word that comes out my mouth (or that I type out) doesn't feel real, they all feel meaningless.
I'm so restless. No matter how I sit or lie down I'm incredibly uncomfortable. I can't sit still at all.
I'm afraid of people, more than I ever was before. I don't want to leave the house at all. I started getting panic/anxiety attacks for no reason.
I don't like what I'm studying anymore.
I feel completely lonely.
Oh, and if that all wasn't enough I recently realised I self harm, a lot. I don't like to call it 'self harm' as it sounds too serious for what it is but I am technically leaving scars so yea... my life is screwed. I see absolutely no future for myself. Everything is wrong with me.
I'm scared, I'm really scared, I'm scared of what is happening to my life, and I'm scared of what it will become. I'm also scared how much more shit I can endure before I get completely broken. I already feel unfixable.
I'm so sorry for this stupid depressing ramble. I've been keeping a lot of thoughts to myself recently, but I just couldn't take it anymore. My past couple of days have been seriously tough.
I really apologise for how bad all of this sounds, I'm still having thoughts that I shouldn't be posting these. You won't believe how much I hate making posts like this, I just feel so bad about myself later. But I'm so done now, I can't care less anymore. (But please god I hope no one I know ever sees my posts here on the mix)
I'm sending hugs, but what do they even mean anymore...
Believe in me - who believes in you
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Comments
It is great that you have support from your family and it is absolutely fine for you to rely on them. As for taking care of yourself, it will be difficult at times, and honestly, I'm trying to figure out how to do so myself. It involves a lot of mental effort, especially with a low sense of value one has for oneself and this critical side that negatively judges you. I think it is the mindset of I 'must' take care of myself that needs to be slightly adjusted to one that is personal, one that focuses on your needs than a set checklist. It can start off with a simple, singular need that takes a long time to complete and, ironically enough, it cannot be completed since it is a matter that involves us flawed beings. If anything, continue to try and find ways to self-care even if this requires assistance. Let's inform each other of our findings - we might be able to find the smallest step to this in this life of ours.
It seems you hold an ideal version of yourself that may have derived from a deep desire and/or expectation to be in a state of normality. For us paradoxical and inconsistent beings, I highly doubt we would be able to box ourselves in our ideals and the norm no matter how much we would love to or seem to be able to do. And If I am correct, you have a fear of expressing negative thoughts and feelings to others and even to yourself. Negative feelings are indeed negative, it is as much undesirable for yourself and even for others to hear. However, I hope you can continue to express such negative, undesirable feelings to me and to this community. For me, though I am aware that we aren't able to feel a replication of others' feelings within one's own heart, I wish to be able to at least feel your feelings in some way - even the negative ones that may occur for a long time or even be repetitive. I am a person who seeks to understand beings, our nature, and our existence, despite how emotionally and mentally difficult it may be so I am here for you. Although I could sense some regret that you've experienced after posting this, I do hope you have also felt some sense of relief after typing this. I experience the same thing too when I do so. For me, I usually feel as if I am awkwardly, manically dancing while I express my emotions and then I wish to disappear after that. And you know what? I think I like this humiliating feeling I experience after. An odd feeling but a very real one; it's a step towards self-acceptance and proof of our humanity.
I don't want to play pretend anymore around people, even though it is still difficult for me to avoid doing so since we are encouraged to were masks since childhood and there is that haunting fear of its consequences. (Thus why I find typing as an easier and safer medium to authentically express myself). If anything, in this lifetime of mine, I wish to communicate with beings than ideals, so go on, you can express yourself. If you fear that it will cause some pain, it's okay, it is a matter of fact that we are able to recognise this pain and work together on it.
The fear of people and loneliness, I know how that feels though I sometimes deny feeling that way in order to not feel it haha. I'm not great when it comes to forming bonds and honestly, I never had one for 5-6 years. It may feel as if you exist in a world of empty shadows because of this but remember, you may not see it nor feel it now but your family, this community, and I are here. We may not be able to remove your loneliness but by communicating with us even for a moment, that feeling will be soothed to some degree and I hope this will make you see and be comforted by knowing that such positive states can be attained again, even for few seconds, and hopefully encourages you to continue seeking it. Feeling afraid of people, damn it took me years since a child for me to feel less scared of people and I still feel that way to some degree. Sometimes I go out and say to myself, 'I shall no longer be afraid and I would rather be feared so I can live my life', but... still it doesn't avoid the exhaustion I feel after putting up that brave mask. The world is scary, definitely. By nature, it is designed to be against and for us. And seeing how people including yourself exist with similar fears, thoughts, and emotions makes the world seem less scary. I hope this way of thinking helps.
You are feeling overwhelmed with emotion and this overwhelm can make you feel like a senseless, messy storm. I can understand why you will feel afraid for yourself and the future. We are beings that always exist in the present. It is good to look to the future, but we must remember that now is the present and the future that it will become can be altered now. It's a good thing that you've recognised this fear, for there is hope that you can direct yourself to a less fearful future. So well done : ) I mean, you're still here and today is what we would have considered as the future in previous days, so you're getting there.
As for your thought on 'what do hugs mean?' Well... we can make it anything, for such meaningless words suggest that they can be filled with a ton of meaning.
Today, I feel like 'hugs' means being surrounded by many adorable alpacas... with party hats... and fairy wings. Haha : )
Such a lovely comment by @CaniceQ above.
^^ I especially love this sentiment. The future might seem incredibly daunting now, but we can take each day at a time and know that things can and do get better.
You have articulated yourself so well here, and I can really get a sense of how you're feeling. It sounds like things are piling up and you're feeling quite overwhelmed and exhausted with it all.
I'm hearing that it's been hard to care for yourself when things have been all-consuming. It's completely understandable to feel drained and to find it hard to look after yourself. Sometimes it can help to start small in terms of our expectations of ourselves and set a wee number of tasks to do each day. But I know that even this can be super tough when you're going through it. You mentioned that your mum made you some food when you couldn't which was really nice to hear. Do you feel able to talk to your mum or wider family about your feelings?
I want to say that you certainly don't have to apologise for making this post. You're such a valued member of the community. It's definitely easier said than done (speaking from experience!), but you certainly shouldn't judge yourself or feel guilty for reaching out for help/support. We all need support throughout this life and there are always people willing to listen.
You mention that you've been self-harming a lot. Is there anything you can do to help distract you from self harming? We have this article here that gives some great suggestions on things you can do to help with distraction
If you are ever worried about your self-harm, we would really encourage you to go to A&E or call 111 so someone can check that you're safe and give you medical support for your injuries.
I know you mentioned having thoughts of suicide but that you're safe and your family keep you here. This still sounds really heavy, @JJLemon18, and you don't have to experiences these thoughts alone.
These services below are also always a call away whenever you need someone to talk to or whenever you feel that you are unsafe:
Keep reaching out @JJLemon18, we're all here for you
Sorry it took me so long to reply, I read it yesterday but I just can't get myself to reply. I just need some time to process things I think. I have never felt this bad before.
I wish I could say something insightful but I just don't know what, everything you mention is just so specific and well explained that all I can really do is agree to most (if not all) of what you said.
I have this weird thing where I know a lot of the steps I need to take to start 'living' and feeling better, but I'm not doing them, I don't know why or how to start. I just feel stuck and unable to move if that makes sense.
Sorry I don't quite get what you mean here. I'm not the brightest sometimes haha.
Yup, absolutely. Although sometimes saying it isn't too hard at first (especially online) but its the regret that comes later. I definitely felt some relief after posting this, but also dread, and now I don't even want to read this post again, I'm just ashamed of it in some way I guess.
The way you explained it with dancing is beautiful and makes so much sense. I guess if everyone 'danced' in this way then it wouldn't feel awkward or weird anymore.
Your next paragraph is also super lovely! For me typing is the only way of expressing myself so far, I don't have the courage any other way, and it still is hard.
You know, I think it does. I'm fairly new to the idea of 'mental health', I suffered from poor mental health my whole life but started learning about it since only a couple months ago (embarrassingly). And the more I learn the more I realise how many people also suffer from the same things as me, it does feel really comforting that I'm not alone in this. I used to think of myself as 'weird', 'different' and sometimes even 'flawed', and I was just afraid of letting anyone know about what was bothering me (which in turn made me even worse to be around).
Thank you so so much for the kind words! Your response really gives a lot to think about. Remember you too are not alone! I'm always here if you want to talk or just have someone to listen
And damn, I just realised. Since you're new here you got like the worst first impression of me possible xD
@Gemma Thank you so much too!
Yea, I'm aware that could help, but even just writing down the tasks feels impossible for me. Its almost like I don't actually want to get better... but if that was the case then I wouldn't be here. I'm confused.
I don't really feel able to talk to my family about all this, they don't understand. Also I feel like I'm trying my best to avoid them in every way possible, I'm not sure why. I do tell them a lot, I just do it in very basic and general terms. Also they are struggling with their own problems too and I have to be the one to help them, I don't want to make their life any harder than it already is.
Oh no, I made it sound really bad didn't I. I'm not really worried about my 'self harm', its seriously not that serious. Its more of an annoyance than anything. But I can't lie it doesn't look too great.
I don't do it on purpose. Heck, most of the time I don't even realise I'm doing it, so I doubt there is any distraction that could help. I know it probably sounds weird, I wouldn't mind explaining it but I'm worried it breaks the guidelines. Lets just say if I call 111 they'll probably laugh at me if I explain it.
Oh, heavy it is. But its been two days and I still hate mentioning this. I really am safe so don't worry. I just wanted to say how messed up my thoughts have been lately. I still can't believe I'd ever do such thing. Though last time I had more excuses against suicide, that's just something that's been worrying me. I'll be fine though, I have no choice but to be.
Also, I find the idea of calling one of these services extremely scary. I'm not sure I'd ever be able to do it. But thank you so much for caring anyway
I wish you all to be surrounded by fluffy alpacas with party hats! (Could do without fairy wings though haha. Btw I love alpacas!) Take care
Thank you for saying that 'I'm not alone'. Even though I don't feel as lonely right now, hearing it sparks some joy in me, and I like this feeling, so I must really thank you.
Yup, I've just realised that you've been in this community for a while and even though I am new, I wouldn't call my first impression of you the worst. You've simply shown your vulnerable side and to me, it shows that you possess some emotional and mental strength - that's admirable!
Also, yes! I love alpacas and I'm happy to know that there is another who loves them too.
And same to you, take care
I wouldn't say I'm intentionally showing anyone my vulnerable side, at least that's not the way I see it. I see it as me just thinking out loud while having a mental breakdown at 2am
But the way you approach this is so nice. Because of you I don't feel as bad for posting this anymore, so thank you!
I hope you're doing okay. I'm always here to listen