Hiya

spacedog

I'm Ian, have had quite alot going on the past 5 months. I thought I would give it a shot to chat to people around my age here as I never really have a chance to do that in person - only medical professionals. I've attempted suicide a few weeks - more as a cry for help to be honest. I regularly have to put up with these really bad mood swings daily, in which it will feel like I'm going crazy and occasionally hear voices. I just thought I would mention I'm not looking for any sort of diagnosis or help around this (I've been trying for so long but have gotten nowhere), I just thought it would be a nice place to at least chat about this rather than a hospital or a psychiatric ward. Outside of all this stuff though I do really enjoy playing violin of which I've played for about 8 years now, and I can't get enough of my sports - been doing it all my life. Nice to be able to chat to people around my age though 🙂

JJLemon18

Hi Ian! I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, you must be going through a lot right now. We are here if you want to talk about anything. I'm sending lots of hugs!

It's awesome that you enjoy playing the violin! Any sports you like in particular?

Remember to take care of yourself!

spacedog

Thanks Lemon - I have so much to unload but I wouldn't have any idea where to start. I just enjoy judo to be honest

JJLemon18

No worries. Just take everything your own pace, you don't have to share anything you don't feel like sharing.
Judo sounds awesome!

spacedog

Oh no that's absolutely fine - I've just never been able to talk about it comfortably in person. Sorry if it does turn into a rant, it's just so hard to get the proper help. I guess just being really general these mood swings where I'll go from one extreme to the other in a matter of hours is so hard to deal with, do I've been trying to get the help - from my GP, community mental health them, NHS 24. I just feel it's so frustrating that the like to class it all as 'just anxiety', put me on antidepressants, sent me a self help coping strategies leaflet and they just expect everything to get better. I'm just so stuck about it all, I just feel I want to be stable at any cost but I can't even get that - after months of trying. Sorry if this seems really passive aggressive, I'm just so tired of trying to get the help I need and failing

JJLemon18

I'm really sorry to hear that Ian. I understand how horrible it must be to feel like you're constantly being pushed away and denied proper help. I'm sorry, I don't really know what to say, I'm sure someone else could come and give some good advice.
Do you have any effective coping strategies that you could use to improve your mood once it gets really low?

Gemma

Hey @IainJammyboy, welcome to The Mix's Community. It is great to see you have joined us. I know that the staff team have reached out to you via DM to check-in but it's great to see you using the boards to share more with what you're dealing with.

Thank you for sharing what you've been going through with us. It sounds like you have had a really difficult few months and so it is super brave of you to reach out to the community for some support and to continue advocating for yourself with your GP and community mental health team. I'm sorry to hear that you haven't always had the best experiences with these services. You are so deserving of support.

I hear your frustrations around feeling stuck with being unable to receive the help you need. You mentioned that your GP/cmht have told you that what you're going through is 'just anxiety' which sounds like this doesn't resonate with you or accurately reflects your experiences. Am I right in thinking that you feel they haven't truly understood what you're struggling with and this is affecting the support you're offered?

It's so lovely to hear that you still enjoy playing the violin and judo. I tried the violin at school but was no good - ended up sticking with piano! What kinds of things do you play? I actually did judo for quite a while too. It was great fun Do you find that these things can help take you away from what you're going through for a short while? 

Also, if there is anything you are particularly struggling to navigate on the community, please do not hesitate to let us know if there's anything we can help with. The community are here for you

Former Member

Hi @IainJammyboy welcome to the mix! I hope u find it helpful being here

Sorry to hear you're struggling so much. Sending lots of hugs! I remember when I was writing my suicide plan two years ago and how awful that felt but I've come so far and I know you will too! I never thought it was gonna get better but it did. You just have to believe in yourself. I know it's a hell of a lot easier said than done but I'm sure you'll get through this. And ik being in a hospital or speaking too medical professionals constantly isn't particularly enjoyable but I'm glad you have support even if it feels like it isn't helping. I went through like 3 therapists before I found a decent one who actually helped/made a difference so I get how it feels. I wish they could magically fix me but they can't unfortunately. My best advice would be just to keep going and take life day by day, step by step. Baby steps really are important. I could give u a hell of a lot more advice but tbh I feel like me two years ago wouldn't even take any of that advice. It's hard when you feel that shit, you just feel stuck. Sometimes I look back and I really don't know how I stopped feeling suicidal and how I got out of that rut. I worry I'm gonna slip back into it and that I won't be able to get out again but the main thing to focus on is that it isn't impossible. Even if it feels like it is, it isn't. You're gonna be ok! Sorry I'm rambling so much lol.

But wow 8 years playing the violin is a long time!! I used to play the guitar (for like 4 years or something) but my teacher in primary school was a pedo and then I just gave up so I started playing piano! Playing an instrument is so nice, it's cool how we can create our own music.

I hope your day is going well!

spacedog

Hi @Gemma thanks for the warm welcome. I'll just jump straight into it - in terms of what the cmht and my psychiatrist have been saying I really feel they like to use anxiety just as a blanket to explain everything and then just send me on my way. I will say I'm no expert in mental health personally, but I am pretty sure I don't have any physical symptoms of anxiety - it used to be a small problem a few years ago but didn't stop me functioning at all. It's more the fact that really infuriated me is when I inform my cmht about a suicide attempt and they didn't offer me any support, but all they said was 'once you work more on your coping strategies it will be much easier to deal with' but I've found I'm still stuck at the same point. I love to play classical music on violin - planning to study at the royal conservatoire of Scotland at some point as well. I feel it makes my life so enjoyable, I really really want to be able to live my life and fulfill my love for music (as cheesy as it is, I just love performing and listening to classical music) but I just feel all this stupid mental health stuff is taking away from that. I love to practice every day, it's huge in my life and I don't want anything to get in the way of that, but unfortunately it is.

spacedog

@Xee cheers for that! I really do understand what you mean about being in that really bad spot - mental rut but I did also manage to fight my way through that, now it's just these mood swings and voices I have to deal with. Oh yea and the fact you mentioned how it feels impossible - I don't support this guy at all, but I was talking to a couple of my friends and they're all hardcore believers in Andrew Tate. I won't get too into it but just one friend - it's just infuriating. About a year prior he was talking about how he had done lots of research online and decided to self diagnose with bipolar, which I didn't support but get this - now that he listens to Andrew Tate he started talking about how depression isn't real and people just purposely feel sad, and then he said mood disorders aren't real - everyone feels emotions and they're just overeating, and then he goes as far to say psychology isn't a real science. I kinda feel sorry for him tbh with how much he's been brainwashed to believe any Andrew Tate stuff, but he can do what he wants with his life I guess. Sorry I'll stop complaining - I hope you've never had to experience that!!

spacedog

@JJLemon18 that's absolutely fine - don't worry about it. I will say that I haven't found any coping strategies that have made anything better for me, but I was talking to a compassionate distress response team an hour ago (in which they've been the most helpful in terms of actual advice) and so that advised me to be very forward talking to the GP about how I need even just medication in terms of a mood stabilizer that so I can feel any sort of relief, so I was going to try that tomorrow.

Former Member

@IainJammyboy
I understand the mood swings completely. When I started antidepressants my mood went from so constantly shit to like all over the place so yeah I get it and I know it sucks. But hopefully the medication/mood stabilizer can help u!

One of my old friends was an andew tate supporter and it was so odd how he was trying to justify that mindset, like it literally felt like he had been brainwashed like u said. It's weird. I'm not friends with him anymore because he ended up being a dickhead anyway lol. But yeah all that stuff about depression not being real is so dumb and insensitive to me. How do people feel like they can make such strong judgements about what other people are experiencing? Unless they've experienced depression themselves they couldn't possibly understand. Even if they haven't been through something similar though, being understanding isn't that difficult.

I wanna do psychology at uni and I was talking to my cousins about it and they were saying something similar too. Like how it isn't a real science, it isn't a real job to be a therapist, you just sit there and listen. They were saying like 'what's the point in therapy, I would never talk to a random stranger, can't u just talk to your friends or something??' and some of the stuff just sounds so damn ignorant.

But lol don't apologise for complaining, trust me sometimes I can complain a hell of a lot too xD

spacedog

@Xee I swear I could go on about all this rubbish for absolutely ages. It is mental how easily some people are convinced by everything they see on the internet. Like one of my 'friends' told me he should be able to opt out of emergency texts because he doesn't want the government watching him - like what the hell??? He's one of the smartest people I know in a academic sense but he literally has absolutely no common sense. But I'm just so horrified about the way they speak about women - I don't mean to offend anyone but how can you judge a person differently just because of what's between their legs?? It is just horrible. The things he's said though is just so funny though - he doesn't believe Scarlett fever or bipolar is real because he doesn't know anyone with it, he's always talking about 'escaping the matrix' I can't wait to cut him off completely - and befriend someone with actual common sense lol.

Former Member

@IainJammyboy Lol I could go on about this for ages too, I ramble wayyy too much sometimes. The internet can be a scary place sometimes. I still can't wrap my head around how people get so brainwashed by the stuff they see, it's mad. The government thing is pretty funny though lol. Your friend sounds entertaining to be around even if he's frustrating. And I've noticed the people with top grades academically seem to lack common sense. The people I know who get top grades are a bit stupid in comparison to those who still do well but not like crazily if that makes sense? Idek. And yeah idk why some guys are such assholes, it's so stupid but I've kinda just accepted it at this point. The escaping the matrix thing is soo funny, I hope he has fun with that xD This guy sounds crazy

spacedog

@Xee oh definitely, it's just the amount of shit on the internet but the fact these people basically grow up around it and use it virtually all the time it's actually kind of scary. Yea it's such a weird thing - cause my schools in a 'posh' area most of the people in my year don't know how to even take a bus somewhere, they just get chauffeured around by their parents. Its the same with people who have money, most of them act all spoilt and take everything for granted - they're all rambling on about their next holiday in which they travel abroad during every school holiday. Like I'm extremely jealous I'm not going to lie lmao, but just their attitude towards everything. Even one kid who dropped out of s4 to live off of their parents money, didn't even go to college. Yea that's honestly one reason why I feel I get on better with girl friends, especially because they're not tied into all this Tate rubbish. I will agree though it definitely just becomes so funny at some points, especially when he talks about how climate change is a scam and the government is keeping you controlled lol. Like I don't think he's smart enough to understand that 'breaking out of the matrix' is just for people who don't want to work when they're an adult. He's so contradicting aswell it is hilarious, he talks about how you should never use the internet and work every day to become the best person he can, but at the same time he religiously watches these Andrew Tate videos for half the day and spends all his time indoors. Like what

spacedog

@Xee and they always make everything so serious aswell, as if it's life and death to them. I can't even ask them to go on a walk because they're so determined to 'break out the matrix and become the best person they can', I just want to chill out and be able to enjoy myself you know lol

Former Member

@IainJammyboy It's weird because in a way the internet makes us who we are today. It varies how true that is to different people but imagine if the internet has never existed but everything else in your life was the same. How different would things be for you rn? I know for me things would definitely be different.

Lol I can't relate though, I definitely don't live in a 'posh' area. I understand the money thing though, I feel like it's so so awkward. My family are ok with money and we've had some blips and things but as of rn we're ok but I realise some of my friends and the people around me are struggling much more financially so I try not to go on about holidays and things like that too much. It's really awkward though because I don't want them to think I'm actign different around them but I don't wanna seem braggy and make anyone feel like shit either.

But yeah I really don't understand their attitudes to certain things. Like ik a lot of stuff in my life would be diferent if my parents were rich but I feel like I'd still want to earn money and be successful myself yk? Like I want to be able to live in a mansion (maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration) and say 'I earnt myself all this money' and not 'lol i'm just using my parent's money' if that makes sense? I'm rambling so much lol. But my friends are all like 'omg I'd love to marry a rich dude' and I just don't get it. Like obviously money is great, who doesn't want money? But I don't want to just depend on someone else. i don't wanna just laze around all day with all the money in the world and no job. I wanna be able to say I worked hard and did well. Ok I really need to stop rambling now.

Ok last thing I wanna say is talk about the taking life too seriously thing. I feel like it's really difficult sometimes because I don't want to get too caught up in having fun and thinking 'fuck it yolo let me just have a good time' to the point that I fuck up and lose control but I don't want to be so serious that my life is boring and fun just becomes a foreign concept. But it's hard to find the right balance sometimes if that makes sense. But yeah your friend is definitely just going a little bit over the top with the breaking out of the matrix stuff lmao

Former Member

Hi @IainJammyboy welcome to the mix! It sounds like you have had a really tough time recently sending hugs I hope you find the mix a useful place to chat and get things off your chest when you're ready