Difficult friendship

Former Member

I am in a friendship where I am much much more active at replying to messages than they are. I'm not sure why because im normally okay with this kind of stuff, but im really really anxious all of the time waiting for a response from this person. It is having a huge negative effect on my days right now, i dont know what to do, i feel like my only way to find peace is to end my friendship with them but this would also make me very sad and i dont want to do that. i dont know what to do

Former Member

sorry to hear u feel like this, I understand it and it sucks. maybe try to distance yourself from them for a few days and see how u feel when u come back? I'm really not sure, I'm not the best at giving advice but I hope u figure it out soon. sending hugs

Former Member

@Xee thank you for your advice, i have already tried this and unfortunately i just missed them the whole time and was so happy to get back in touch with them. Thank you anyway, i really appreciate it

Former Member

@ajj99 Why don't u try limiting the amount of times u can reply to them per day? Like say to yourself 'ok today I can only reply to them five times so I need to either save those or just make sure I use them all up now and don't talk to them after'.

Former Member

@Xee That's not something i had thought of trying. That could be a good idea, I can see it helping a little for sure, if not a lot. Thank you, I really appreciate your help so much

Former Member

@ajj99 no worries! I'm glad i could help, ik it sucks

Former Member

@ajj99 thank you for sharing.

Are you able to share how you feel with them? As I am someone who takes a while to respond to messages as usually I'm not on my phone much and to be honest I'm just bad at replying, but one of my friend's spoke to me about how he felt I didn't care and he always was the one to message me first, and by him speaking to me about it now I try to make a conscious effort to reply to him as soon as he texts.

I think if you haven't done already then have a think about being honest with them as it won't necessarily be a personal thing and then you can give them the opportunity to change, and if they don't, then go from there. Because people won't always know the effects their actions have on you unless you tell them.

If ending the friendship would be sad for you and you missed them when you did try having some distance then it sounds like a relationship that's worth working on!

How do you feel about that?

Former Member

Hi @RenP thank you for taking the time to try and help me! They are aware that I would appreciate a quicker response but they just say they're busy. And I'm not going to take that any further with them, they aren't doing anything wrong, I know the issue is on my end. I don't want them to feel stressed out because something is wrong with me.

Things are starting to feel a little better as I'm trying to focus on myself and not make an effort to start conversation with them

Thank you for your suggestion, I really appreciate it

Laura_tigger82

I completely hear you though @ajj99. Sometimes, even when we understand people are busy, we need support and we feel like we need it sooner than other people are able to provide.

Is there anyone you can contact whilst you wait for them to be less busy and able to support you? You still deserve support but it might be that they aren't best placed to provide that at the moment.

It sounds really positive that you are trying to focus on yourself. What sorts of things are you doing at the moment to focus on yourself?

Former Member

Hi @Laura_tigger82 thank you for your response!
There isn't really anyone else I would contact.
I told them roughly how I was feeling and that I couldn't keep being the one who started all conversations and kept them going. So now I'm instead waiting for them to get in touch with me, rather than waiting for them to reply to my messages. It seems like a small change but I find it a lot lot more manageable. The only problem is we will now probably hardly ever speak again, which makes me sad, but I think it's better than being on the edge of panic all day everyday

Azziman

Hey @ajj99, I hear you. It's clear that this friendship means a lot to you, but that you'd appreciate if they were more responsive. @RenP made a great suggestion about communicating how you feel, and it sounds like you've done just that. Sometimes people can be busy and not respond as much, which is understandable, but doesn't make us feel better when we need support.

I think what you've said is reasonable - initiating most of the conversations can make us feel like we're putting in all the work into making the friendship work, so it feels sensible to place the onus on your friend to initiate the conversation once they have time to talk. I hope that they'll have some time soon that they can talk to you so you can both chat properly

Former Member

Hi @Azziman Yes i feel like i have done all i can really. I dont feel good about it but i also dont feel any worse than i did before. Thank you for taking the time to respond i really appreciate it, I also hope that things will work out and we can remain friends. Thank you