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Wondering if missed calls are ever my mum calling
Distraction
Posts: 480 Listening Ear
I don't often get calls off numbers I don't know but when I do, like tonight, I instantly think it's my mother even though we haven't talked in years. It leaves me with a mix of emotions every time and it annoys me that my mind does it, I don't even get a second to think it could be anything else.
It's not a big deal, I could get in contact with her if I tried hard enough but I was tired of being the only one trying so I just stopped calling and she just never phoned, I was a kid, like 12, I'm 25 now.
I mostly get angry because when it does happen, I have the same thoughts, if I should try find her, speak to her, sometimes I feel a little guilty, like it's tugging at my heart.
I don't hate her... anymore, I can be over it, I don't need her or really think about her that much anymore, I don't miss her but sometimes I do wonder about her, even if it's just to know she's alive and if anyone would know to tell me if she wasn't.
I don't want to regret not reaching out before it's too late but I don't think I actually want to talk to her just yet or maybe I just want her, to want to talk to me instead, I don't know and I can't really be bothered to think about it to be honest, I just hate feeling like this after missed calls.
I actually forgot I changed my number for the first time a few months ago lol, now I just feel like shit, I don't know if theres any point in posting this now but hey ho here it is
It's not a big deal, I could get in contact with her if I tried hard enough but I was tired of being the only one trying so I just stopped calling and she just never phoned, I was a kid, like 12, I'm 25 now.
I mostly get angry because when it does happen, I have the same thoughts, if I should try find her, speak to her, sometimes I feel a little guilty, like it's tugging at my heart.
I don't hate her... anymore, I can be over it, I don't need her or really think about her that much anymore, I don't miss her but sometimes I do wonder about her, even if it's just to know she's alive and if anyone would know to tell me if she wasn't.
I don't want to regret not reaching out before it's too late but I don't think I actually want to talk to her just yet or maybe I just want her, to want to talk to me instead, I don't know and I can't really be bothered to think about it to be honest, I just hate feeling like this after missed calls.
I actually forgot I changed my number for the first time a few months ago lol, now I just feel like shit, I don't know if theres any point in posting this now but hey ho here it is
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Comments
You're right, you were a child. It was her responsibility to keep in touch with you as a mum myself now I couldn't imagine not having my son in my life.
Now you're an adult, maybe you could try and make contact. Maybe your mum thinks about you too but figured you won't want anything to do with her. Now I'm not saying it's your responsibility at all. It's absolutely not, and if you don't want a relationship then that's a totally different story. If you're longing for answers though I'd say there's no harm in reaching out as long as you're prepared for her not wanting anything to do with you.
Biggest hugs. Families are complicated
(_) | ()---|---() | | __ | __ |\ /^\ /| '..-' '-..' `-._ _.-` `Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us and for putting into words what must be very overwhelming and confusing feelings. It takes a lot of bravery to try to make sense of one's own emotions, especially when it comes to family, and it's okay to feel confused or as if your feelings are contradictory.
You mentioned feeling guilty but as @Anch0r33 said, it was your mother's responsibility to keep in touch with you, you were very young and you reacted in a completely understandable way to feeling like you were the only one who really cared and was trying in a relationship where you shouldn't have been the caregiver in the first place. No one should owe anyone love, affection, or wanting to keep in contact, and even though you may feel like you were the one to cut ties with her maybe it would be more beneficial, if you ever decide to give it a go, to do that because it'll make you feel better and it's what you want to do, not because of guilt.
You mentioned feeling a little conflicted and scared about possibly contacting her and not being sure whether you really want to talk to her or if you just want her to care. It is hard to lose track of someone who was once an important part of your life; even when you know your paths differed and that you may have nothing more to share, you still know they're out there living their lives and that you know nothing about them now and may know nothing about them ever again. That must really hurt, your feelings are completely valid and I hope that remembering that your mother does not have your current phone number can help ease up a little the anxiety you feel and give you back a little bit of power. Now contacting her is completely in your hands and you have every right to do that whenever you feel ready and on your own terms.
It sounds like you have been thinking about this a lot and considering whether to call your mom or not. It is possible your mom also thinks about contacting you too. You can make the decision about whether or not to reach out to her. It’s okay to feel unsure or hesitant about it and take your time to think about what you really want. I’m sure you will know what is the best for you. Just remember to be kind to yourself and take things at your own pace.
This sounds tough, its understandable that you feel emotional about this and your feelings are completely valid. It sounds like a confusing situation but you need to make a decision that is best for yourself and your wellbeing. As @Terry8936 has stated take things at a pace you are comfortable with and appreciate the steps that you take