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Been feeling down recently
Creativeboy23
Posts: 277 The Mix Regular
Yesterday, I was waiting for my food with my friends, and one of my friends told me that this girl we met from a youth club said to him she would be with him if she was not with her bf. I said nice one to show I was happy for him, but I ended up feeling funny about it because me and her do not talk anymore. Then, I was imagining seeing him and the girl from my dad’s car making out outside when the youth club finished. I felt inferior to him and jealous with my head down, not responding when my mum spoke about it with me. After, my other friend said she would date him. So, I imagined this girl I know and other female friends giving him attention when my friend told him that she would date him. I was feeling left out and unattractive. Today, this has been affecting me today. I imagined my other friend being there and her saying she would date him too, which made feel left out again. For some reason, I had a fantasy about the girl I mentioned earlier.
I have continued to feel anyone who gets to know me singled me out for special attention. So, they define me by these things. A mentor told me I should not put pressure on myself and has given me other reassurance. This made me imagine him encouraging me to not stress about getting a partner now. Also, him saying that I will get one day and that she would love to have me a boyfriend like me. He reassured me that I can ask as many questions as I want. I was talking in my head about feeling that people judge me for taking things personally, whilst I was waiting for the bus earlier. A teammate patronised me to a staff member in the van, when I was being quiet about wanting sweets that were passed around. On the bus home, I imagined a staff member telling me to start looking now at design agencies and another staff member looking at other staff with agreeance. I imagined a mentor reassuring me that my female friend was telling me I should go over and talk to people. I noticed a drawing my friend did on Facebook and imagined him and a female friend telling me I show mine. I imagined these situations because I have experienced similar experiences in the past.
On top of all of this, today, my brother brought up to my mum that he overheard me watching a reality TV show and my bed bouncing and then mentioned women being put in shows to stimulate men. He said I may as well just continue self-pleasuring, if I am going to relapse. Later, I overheard him claiming I will leave my clothes in the dryer when they dry. Afterwards, he was telling me to go upstairs and enjoy myself with a smirk, to nag at me for me relapsing. Then, he was saying I am going to continue doing it if I try to stop now. I feel I cannot do anything in the house, without him monitoring me.
I have continued to feel anyone who gets to know me singled me out for special attention. So, they define me by these things. A mentor told me I should not put pressure on myself and has given me other reassurance. This made me imagine him encouraging me to not stress about getting a partner now. Also, him saying that I will get one day and that she would love to have me a boyfriend like me. He reassured me that I can ask as many questions as I want. I was talking in my head about feeling that people judge me for taking things personally, whilst I was waiting for the bus earlier. A teammate patronised me to a staff member in the van, when I was being quiet about wanting sweets that were passed around. On the bus home, I imagined a staff member telling me to start looking now at design agencies and another staff member looking at other staff with agreeance. I imagined a mentor reassuring me that my female friend was telling me I should go over and talk to people. I noticed a drawing my friend did on Facebook and imagined him and a female friend telling me I show mine. I imagined these situations because I have experienced similar experiences in the past.
On top of all of this, today, my brother brought up to my mum that he overheard me watching a reality TV show and my bed bouncing and then mentioned women being put in shows to stimulate men. He said I may as well just continue self-pleasuring, if I am going to relapse. Later, I overheard him claiming I will leave my clothes in the dryer when they dry. Afterwards, he was telling me to go upstairs and enjoy myself with a smirk, to nag at me for me relapsing. Then, he was saying I am going to continue doing it if I try to stop now. I feel I cannot do anything in the house, without him monitoring me.
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Comments
It sounds like there is a lot going on for you right now, and you have been imagining situations that have sometimes been helpful, but sometimes hurt your feelings - would that be fair to say? I am wondering if, when you have these thoughts, you have ever shared them with someone you trust? It’s a lot to hold in your head by yourself if not.
It sounds like your brother is trying to wind you up - my big brother did a lot of teasing when I was growing up too. Do you want to talk a little more about what you mean by relapsing - is this something in particular you are trying to avoid?
Hello @Lucy307 .
Yes. I have shared some of them with my therapist.
Yes. He sure is.
It is something I have been trying to avoid. I have been trying to stop self-pleasuring but I have failed a couple of times. That is what I mean by relapsing.