Bf not handling my rape well

Former Member

I was raped at 14/15 but didn't acknowledge it for what it was until recently. I told my boyfriend and I really wish I hadn't because he won't speak to me, he won't look at me or let me touch him on the arm even, and sometimes he has to be in a different room. It's been months of this. It's quite difficult as we live together and neither of us was mentally well before.

He is upset by the horribleness of what happened to me and angry at me for telling him 1.5years into the relationship. I have explained that I hadn't processed it before then, and I've said sorry about the casual way I brought it up instead of sitting down to have a proper talk.

I got us a couples counselling but they took my money and said they couldn't help because I was in the middle of the police report.

I am very mentally and physically unwell but have no sick pay at work, we're being evicted in just over a month, I've got 2 different police report I'm supposed to be gathering evidence for, and every time I ask for support from services I get sent round in circles

Laura_tigger82

Hi @tetra

Firstly, welcome to The Mix's community. It is great to see you have joined us. Also, I am really proud of you for finding the courage to reach out to us. I will try to respond to each part of your circumstance to ensure I am the most supportive I can be.

I am sorry to hear you were raped at 14/15. It does indeed take a lot to process rape. It is not surprising that it took you time. I am just wondering, did you have any support to process it? If you did have support with processing it, I am wondering if they are someone you would feel comfortable talking to again for support with discussing it within your relationship? If not, depending on your age, you might find Childline (https://www.childline.org.uk/) and Rape Crisis (https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/) useful support. I am really sorry to hear your boyfriend responded in this way, it must be really upsetting and frustrating. After all, you were so brave in telling your boyfriend what happened to you no matter how difficult it must have been for you to talk about it.

Please know that this is probably more a reflection of your boyfriend trying to process the situation, than how he feels about you. Your boyfriend will also need more time. Though, I can understand that distance between you is not what you were intending for. I am just wondering if your boyfriend could also seek support to process this?

I hear that you say neither of you was mentally well before. I am just wondering, were either of you/both of you accessing support for not being mentally well? If you weren't, I am just wondering if either of you/both of you would feel comfortable accessing support for not being mentally well? Some places you might find support for not being mentally well include (but are not limited to):

- Your GP(s) - they might also help with getting sick pay
- Young Minds (https://www.youngminds.org.uk/)
- Mind (https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/)
- Samaritans (Call 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org)
- Papyrus (Call 0800 068 41 41 or email pat@papyrus-uk.org)
- The Mix's Helpline (Call 0808 808 4994)
- The Mix's Crisis Messenger (Text THEMIX to 85258).

These are just general mental health supports though. If you feel comfortable, I was wondering if you would like to talk to us more about the particular ways in which you and your boyfriend are not mentally well? We could then direct you to more specific supports if needed and preferred.

I am really sorry to hear how couples counselling went for you. How frustrating! You have done such a great job in trying to reach out for support though, and we are really proud of you for that. Do you feel like you would be able to reach back out to the couples counsellor for support once the police report/investigation has been completed?

In terms of sick pay for feeling physically and mentally unwell, there are a couple of resources that help to explain it much clearer than I ever could, and I am hoping you might find these useful. They include (but are not limited to):

- Mental Health and Money Advice (https://www.mentalhealthandmoneyadvice.org/en/welfare-benefits/can-i-claim-welfare-benefits-if-i-m-living-with-a-mental-illness/statutory-sick-pay/)
- Government (https://www.gov.uk/employers-sick-pay/eligibility-and-form-ssp1)

As there is support with everything and you aren't alone, there are also supports for being evicted which you might find useful! These include (but are not limited to):

- Citizen's Advice (https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/renting-privately/ending-your-tenancy/get-help-if-youre-being-evicted-england/) (https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/wales/housing/renting-privately/ending-your-tenancy/get-help-if-youre-being-evicted/)
- Government (https://www.gov.uk/browse/housing-local-services/repossessions-evictions)
- Shelter (https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/eviction)

I hope all these supports help! I am really sorry to hear that you aren't receiving the support you need with the police reports. I am just wondering, do the people who are supposed to be supporting you with this have a contact policy? You might find how to escalate your request in the contact policy. You deserve all the support you can find.

Overall, I am really sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time. However, as you can hopefully see, there is so much support here for you as you sound happy to access support. We are really proud of you for reaching out, and we want you to know that you are never alone! We will always listen to you and support you the best we can. Keep taking steps forwards, no matter how small they may sometimes feel

Former Member

Thank you for replying to me.
I didn't get any support in processing it, I only ever spoke about it recently, but I've been trying to get support from the local sexual abuse charity.

We are both suffering with anxiety and depression, I've been trying every resource I can find or get suggested but my partner does not access any because he is struggling to do the basics (like send an email or get out of bed).
I am on call to the mix helpline but it's been an hr and 20mins and I haven't spoken to anybody. I said there was no counselling available and when I went on the chat it just says "thank you for chatting with us".

The police told me it could take years so I don't think it's worth waiting until then to speak to the couples counsellor again.

The council are trying to help us find a place to live but everywhere is so far away. I don't know how I will get my partner to go to uni if its 2hrs bus journey away, and I won't be able to see any friends if they are so far away. I've tried to make a home here and I'll get put in a house away from everyone I know and all the activities I've been trying to go to

I rang up the service I was on a waiting list for and I've still got another 2 months to wait. I can't wait that long

Former Member

I’m going through a similar thing @tetra

Former Member

@BlossomBabyBunny what's happening to you, the same thing?