Is it normal to feel like this?

Former Member

Hello! I was wondering if I could get some advice

I am currently in a very loving relationship with a man that I absolutely adore and have done for the last 3 and a half years we have been together. However, he is my first ever relationship and with the way things are going, it will most likely be my last (by that I mean it is likely I will stay with him for the rest of my life) which is fine and I am happy with that but I can't help but wonder 'what if?'

I don't think that I will experience another relationship but I can't help my mind from wondering if a relationship with another person would feel better or different. I feel like a horrible person admitting this, that my mind is wondering and that I am doing something awful. To be clear I have never cheated and never will, I love him too much but I can't shake the feeling of is this it? I don't know if this is something I should talk to him about or just hope goes away on it's own.

On top of this, I have recently come out as bisexual (bi-curious would be a better way to label it if we are going down that road) and have never had any sort of relationship with another woman. Part of me wishes to explore that but I don't want to end my current relationship to do so nor do I wish to cheat. Is this something I won't be able to clarify for myself ever?

The final blow is that I have recently come home from finishing university and have started to hang out with my home friends more, one of which I used to have the biggest crush on (we're talking over 5 years here). Those feelings have started to rise again but I don't know if its just a thing I will always have for him or if it something I would want to pursue.

The gist of this ramble is that I am very much in love with my current partner, never want to hurt him and would happily spend the rest of my life with him but there is just a voice in the back of my head saying 'what if' and I feel like an arsehole for letting that voice dominate my thoughts.

Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated, even if it is just someone telling me to get a grip xxxx

Former Member

Hi @renw

Thank you for sharing your story. I can imagine it must be very difficult to admit that you've been having these thoughts, especially since you said you would never want to hurt your partner.

Perhaps you need to have a truthful talk with yourself and decide what you believe you would make you feel happy. It is your life and only you can really know what you feel comfortable with so whilst you are understandably worried about hurting your current partner, maybe it is also important for you to consider your own feelings? Do you think it would be painful on yourself not to explore other scenarios?

Sending you virtual hugs

Former Member

Hiya @renw
I'm so happy that you are in a great relationship, that's fantastic to hear. I'm sorry that I don't have more to say but I just wanted to add that I think it's natural to ask 'what if' in all types of different situations in life.
I know it's not a relationship example but when I went to uni there was a time when I questioned what if I had gone to a different university? what if I chose a different course to study? would I have met different people and have a different set of friends? All despite being happy with where I was at.
So I don't think you should be ashamed of being curious about different possibilities, because I think it's perfectly natural to question our decisions in any type of situations but especially ones which are massive decisions and impact our entire life.
If you feel comfortable sharing this with your partner then it might be good to talk it through, just so you don't feel so alone in these feelings you are having. You may find out he feels a similar way. Regardless, it's great to be honest and sharing you feelings may make them feel less intense. Alternatively you could talk to family or friends who have been in long-term relationships and see how they felt too.
Hope that's a little reassuring

Former Member

Past User wrote: »

Hi @renw

Thank you for sharing your story. I can imagine it must be very difficult to admit that you've been having these thoughts, especially since you said you would never want to hurt your partner.

Perhaps you need to have a truthful talk with yourself and decide what you believe you would make you feel happy. It is your life and only you can really know what you feel comfortable with so whilst you are understandably worried about hurting your current partner, maybe it is also important for you to consider your own feelings? Do you think it would be painful on yourself not to explore other scenarios?

Sending you virtual hugs

Thank you ❤️ you're right, I need to put me first a little bit more. I think what I'll do is I'll have a think about what I want and then have an honest chat with my partner. I just can't help but feel as though I'm letting people down

Former Member

Kat wrote: »

Hiya @renw
I'm so happy that you are in a great relationship, that's fantastic to hear. I'm sorry that I don't have more to say but I just wanted to add that I think it's natural to ask 'what if' in all types of different situations in life.
I know it's not a relationship example but when I went to uni there was a time when I questioned what if I had gone to a different university? what if I chose a different course to study? would I have met different people and have a different set of friends? All despite being happy with where I was at.
So I don't think you should be ashamed of being curious about different possibilities, because I think it's perfectly natural to question our decisions in any type of situations but especially ones which are massive decisions and impact our entire life.
If you feel comfortable sharing this with your partner then it might be good to talk it through, just so you don't feel so alone in these feelings you are having. You may find out he feels a similar way. Regardless, it's great to be honest and sharing you feelings may make them feel less intense. Alternatively you could talk to family or friends who have been in long-term relationships and see how they felt too.
Hope that's a little reassuring

Thank you, your reassurance has been wonderful. I've been in my head about it for so long that just writing it down has helped it to be put into perspective. I am going to talk to him about this, as I say he's a lovely bloke who's understanding and I think it'll help how I feel. Thank you again xxx

Former Member

It's great that you are noticing you sometimes need to put yourself first. I hope talking to your partner helps you feel better about things xx

independent_

I hear you on this @renw I could have written this, even down to the bisexuality. I’ve also been with my partner just over 3 years, I’m also bisexual and I had these a similar thought process in my head. My partner is amazing, we’re very happy together but I think we’ve both been curious about what it would be like to be in another relationship, although we’re the type of couple who joke about those things. So even if you talk to him in a humourous way about it he might tell you he feels the same. I don’t have much advice but there’s nothing wrong with being curious and you are definitely not alone.

Former Member

independent_ wrote: »

I hear you on this @renw I could have written this, even down to the bisexuality. I’ve also been with my partner just over 3 years, I’m also bisexual and I had these a similar thought process in my head. My partner is amazing, we’re very happy together but I think we’ve both been curious about what it would be like to be in another relationship, although we’re the type of couple who joke about those things. So even if you talk to him in a humourous way about it he might tell you he feels the same. I don’t have much advice but there’s nothing wrong with being curious and you are definitely not alone.

Thank you, it nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this, the reassurance is much appreciated

Former Member

@renw I understand how difficult that must be and hope you are doing ok currently. Please know that you are not alone in this and that you shouldn't feel the need to label yourself yet. It would be a good idea to tell your boyfriend because he should know how you are feeling. There is a range of support available online this includes but is not limited to The Mix live chat and Brooks website. Please remember that your feelings are completely valid.

Former Member

Hello! It's me again

I thought I would give a little update as to how everything is going. I took the advice given and spoke to my boyfriend about how I was feeling. The conversation we had was useful and we figured out that it was likely that I was having these 'what if' thoughts because I wasn't 100% happy in our relationship, how he was treating me and expectations/standards I had (that makes it sound controlling 😅, I promise it's not it's things like putting in effort to see me, giving a compliment every once in a while and not rely on me to get his shit together all the time). We're going to give it a go until the end of December and if things are still not working then we're going to call it quits. It's a hard decision but it's necessary

Thank you all for your advice and understanding, it was really reassuring ♥️♥️♥️