Abuse (TW:abuse, brief mention of suicide)

_AJ_

Hey,
I didn’t know what to call this or where to post it but I just really needed to put this out and get some support.
I’ve been abused for as long as I can remember and longer (I have dissociative identity disorder which is caused by severe repetitive trauma before the ages of 7-9, so probably a lot more than I can remember). Emotionally, physically and sexually. It’s been reported to the police but I didn’t want to do anything about it and now I’m an adult they don’t have to.
I have been semi-estranged from my parents for a while, but following something recent fear I might become estranged and am utterly terrified. I have already lost their financial support and am fearful of what is going to happen. I just want my family but they don't seem to want me. I'd really appreciate any words of encouragement or just to have a chat because I am feeling really alone in it right now. They've been incredibly emotionally and physically abusive towards me but I love them too and am terrified of the idea of losing them. I don't know what to do and its making me incredibly depressed, anxious and suicidal. I’ve been in and out of hospital for the last 6 months, with numerous suicide attempts and I’m not sure I can take another hit from life and try and stay alive. I’ve also just been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia which is scary too- on its own!
I’m at home at the moment and my mum won’t speak to me if others aren’t around and my dad is being horrid and I just feel so low.
I also am struggling a lot financially. I technically only qualify for the lowest maintenance loan, and because I have had contact with my parents in the last 12 months (and hopefully will have contact because of my sister) I can't apply as an independant student. Living is expensive and I don’t know what to do.
I am terrified of everything and just need some support.
Thanks for reading so far.
AJ x

_AJ_

Oh also. I’m struggling with talking to people about it. People at uni know (well a couple) but I really want to open up to my old school teacher because I think she might be able to tell me what she saw going on while this was all happening and also I’ve been talking to her recently about other stuff was she keeps asking why I can’t talk to my parents and I want her to understand what’s happened to me. So any advice welcome xx

Rose124

Hi @_AJ_

First of all, I want to let you know that you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings, I am here to support you and to offer you some comfort and reassurance, and most importantly a listening ear for you. I will also try my best to offer you some helpful and well - thought through advice.

I am really sorry to hear that you have been going through this. I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to lose contact with your parents (they share parts of your DNA with you, so no wonder you feel really connected to them) and I don't think you have to lose that connection with them, though I would for your safety, keep the contact with them at a minimum and from a safe distance. Maybe you could meet up with your parents every so often with your sister? Or plan times to call them every so often, like every fortnight or every month even?

Do you think you would be able to work more than one job at a time? Maybe you could work two part time jobs at the same time to earn more money? I would also definitely explaining to your school/college/university about all that is going on to see if they can help you out too, they might be able to offer you some advice or resources which could help you.

I think that if you trust your teacher and know that she will be understanding, compassionate and kind towards you then you should definitely speak to her about it. Maybe you could write down what you would want to say to her on cue cards which you can bring to read off or to help you know what you want to say when you go and see her to talk about it. Also, for your safety and well being, putting some aftercare in for yourself after you have spoken to her about this topic could be really helpful for you, as it would give you something and would allow you to distract yourself from the negative feelings that might arise with something positive. A good aftercare routine could be really simple, and could just consist of reading your favorite book, watching your favorite film or trying a new coffee that you've always wanted to try.

Wishing you all the best and sending you lots of big virtual hugs you're way.

Am always here to support you.

_AJ_

Hi @Rose124
Thanks so much for replying. 💕and thanks for your offer to talk, I really appreciate it and the advice.
I already have very limited contact with my parents. We barely call. I only go home because of my sister or events like my godsister being in a play or seeing my home friends. It’s hard because I can’t distance myself more unless I want to cut them off entirely and I can’t because of my sister. I’ve always said I’ll wait til she’s 18, but what if I can’t hold on another 3 years? It’s killing me having a relationship with my parents, and I mean that very literally. I keep ending up in hospital for suicide attempts. This relationship could cost me my life if I’m not careful.
I can’t afford to work at all. I’m tutoring when I can. But I’m at Oxford and technically you aren’t allowed a job at all because the course is so demanding. I am doing what I can for work but it’s hard. I shouldn’t be working at all but I need the money. I’ve got some financial support from uni in the past and I’m waiting on some more but they are taking forever!
Okay. Maybe I will talk to her. I might just send her a text and ask to chat and then prep what I’m going to say.
Thanks again!
Aj x

Rose124

Hi @_AJ_

I'm really sorry to hear that, that sounds really difficult and challenging - i'm here for you. If you don't mind me asking, is there any significant reason why you can't cut them out of your life because of your sister? Also, have you spoken to your sister about cutting your parents out of your life entirely?, if not and if you'd feel up to it - it might be a good idea to speak to your sister about cutting your parents out of your life as she might be able to address any concerns and worries you have about cutting that connection, and she might also be able to help you come up with a happy compromise that allows you to cut your parents out of your life entirely whilst also keeping your sister safe and well.

In the meantime, take each day as it comes and know that each day is one day closer to you being able to cut the connection of with your parents. Also, planning something positive that you can look forward to each day might really help to make those days just a little bit easier for you - whether it just be something as simple as reading your favorite book or watching your favourite film. Also, are you creative? If so, you might like to draw/paint or journal down, or write poetry or create music how you are feeling so that you can release all of the emotions you are feeling and it might just help take some off the weight of your shoulders.

Also, if you don't mind me asking are you talking to a counsellor/therapist?

I'm glad to hear that you have some more financial support coming your way, that must be a massive releif. Have you spoken to your university about accommodation, maybe they could give you some advice or resources on where you could stay or extra financial support that they could offer you, would there be a potential avenue in which you didn't have to pay rent or pay for the accommodation that you're staying in. Do remember to take care of yourself, and allow yourself some moments of self care throughout your days and weeks.

Sending you lots of big virtual hugs your way.

All the best.

_AJ_

Hey @Rose124
My main reason is she’s just too young (she’s 14). I appreciate that that doesn’t sound young but she’s going through her own difficulties I learned today and I don’t want to add to them. I want to be a big sister who’s around and always happy to talk. I want to see her. Plus she’s at that age where she’s moody and pretends to not like me and I fear she wouldn’t care. Or that my parents would manipulate her to hate me too. I haven’t really had the conversation with her because I don’t know how to without raising concerns. My priority is to keep her safe and happy (part of the reason I’m reluctant to tell my old teacher anything because my sister goes to the same school and I don’t want them saying anything that might upset my sister) so. I’m sort of waiting til she’s 18 to do anything dramatic. Need to be careful with talking to my teacher.
Yes lots of planning nice things. I’m watching the most recent series of greys and I keep telling myself I have to live because I want to see the next episode. We will get through. I love writing poetry and write a lot about my experiences (I’m happy to share some privately if you like!) which is good.
Yes I have a therapist I see twice weekly and a psychiatrist too. I’ve just been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia which is scary but getting support for that and working through a list of trauma stuff with my therapist.
I have a flat that I share with my friend so accommodation isn’t a problem, except paying for it. I’m hoping I can figure out some finance stuff. Trying to work out if I qualify as an independent student for student finance. But not sure.
Thanks again.
AJ x

Mumucookie02

Hey AJ,

I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling right now but in a situation like this one please remember that no matter what anyone tells you this is not your fault at all. You are so brave for reaching out and well, abuse is one of the most terrifying things to get past. If cutting off contact with your parents is what you feel is best for your mental health then you absolutely should, but I understand how difficult a decision that is. Your family is supposed to be the one place in the world that feels safe, and if it isn't then it's not something you should have to put up with.
In terms of finances is it possible that you're eligible for council-funded housing? This would help reduce costs.

I especially know what it's like to have a sister or sister figure that young. They tend to want to hide their feelings but they secretly love you. I completely relate. As someone who is still trying to move past trauma, I would say that the key is to be soft with yourself. You've been through so much and it's okay to let those emotions be felt sometimes. I know sometimes it's more tempting to approach your demons and use unhealthy coping mechanisms but trust me even when the world feels like it's crashing down and buildings are on fire there's always that one stubborn flame of hope.

Your bravery has me in awe and I'm not gonna lie I feel quite moved. I was in a very similar situation a year ago and I had to push so hard to have my family's love because I simply couldn't see any other way out. I understand that may not be possible in this situation but you still have one very valuable family member's love on your side and that's your sister. She's that little flame that stays alight even when everything seems to look gloomy, so love her like never before. I know it sounds cheesy but when everything around you seems to take away the energy and love, loving harder seems to set things straight.

I know everything seems so messy right now but if you do anything today, take it all one step at a time and trust me, a complete stranger I know but a very supportive one nonetheless, that this isn't forever. Sometimes we get pushed down so low before we rise and fight back and this is the start of your very powerful fight. I know it may not be what you want and some days it feels easier to give in to those thoughts that nag at you, but it's a fight in itself to wake up and take in that first breath of air.

As for your old school teacher, if you feel you can trust her to keep this away from your sister then I'd say go for it if that's what you prefer. It really helps to know that there are people on your side.

But can I just give you the biggest virtual hug and commend you on your courage. It's people like you who continue to fight that inspire me to do the same every day

Sending you lots of love and please keep us posted!

_AJ_

Thanks @Mumucookie02 ! I really appreciate the message.
It's a really hard decision to make, because they are my family even though they don't feel like any more than vague acquaintances anymore. And I have family, my chosen family is my friends and that is great. But you always crave being able to turn to your mum when things are hard, but I can't. It;s a horrible decision to have to make and very scary.
I haven't looked into council housing tbh because I just decided to share with my friend (makes it easier as we split the cost). I was looking into supported living for a while but it didn't work out.
That is very true- she doesn't talk much to me and it's sad. I learnt from my dad yesterday that she's really struggling with her mental health and according to him it's my fault for all sorts of reasons which is making me feel horrible. I just want her to be happy and safe. She is my flame- she's the reason I get up in the morning and she's the reason that after every suicide attempt I've told someone and got help. I want to live for her, but everything else is killing me. I am trying so hard to be soft on myself (I did a lot of compassion focussed therapy!) but sometimes its hard; I just want to hurt.
Bless, I don't feel very brave! I'm so sorry to hear you were in a similar position, it's truly devastating to experience. But yes, the important thing is to keep loving who we can. I have just learnt that it takes two to make a relationship work and if my parents aren't invested, all the love I have to give is pointless.
Yes, I think I will talk to my teacher. I just think it would be cathartic to tell her and get it out after all these years.
Thanks so much for your message- lots of hugs back!
AJ x

_AJ_

Just an update for you. I spoke to my chaplain at uni today. And we discussed it and discussed it. And I kept saying the environment is killing me and I can’t do it. So. I have made a decision. No contact unless I initiate it or it’s about or because of my sister. If I go back for family events (my godsister is in a play for example) then I need to stay somewhere else. Because I can’t do it this way any longer. So. I’m terrified. I don’t want to have made this decision but I have to. So support, hugs, advice and animal pics are all very welcome 🥺💜 xx

Phoebsflowers

Hello @_AJ_

I am very sorry to hear of your situation. Whilst I have not be in a similar situation myself, I can imagine it must be extremely difficult to not be able to share things with your parents when you want to but I think you should feel proud of yourself for admitting that you need support. Not everybody would have the confidence or bravery to share their story with others so thank you for reaching out to others on this platform. I'm sure there are lots of people here who can relate to you and would be willing to offer advice and support.

You mentioned that your uni had previously offered you some financial support but they are taking forever to help you with the next stage. I can definitely relate to you there! After my first year of uni, I had to take some time away for medical reasons and when I returned to retake some units and continue with the next ones, I literally had to email and phone so many different departments and people on campus before anyone would tell student finance I had come back even though I had already reapplied for a personal reasons extension. It can be so frustrating sometimes to explain yourself! Have your spoken to the finance advisors on your campus recently? Would it potentially be useful to go in with any questions and re-explain anything again if needed? I do know it can be difficult to have to repeat yourself when the topics are hard to discuss though.

In terms of your sister and god-sister (I don't know if you mentioned your god-sister's age?), is there anything you could do to keep the contact going with them whilst you are at uni? You said you are watching Greys at the minute. Perhaps you could start a new series and you could all watch it from your own locations? When I was at uni, I felt a bit less disconnected from my friends at home knowing that even we were apart, we could still watch the same things and talk about them on facetime!

I hope this has been helpful?

Phoebsflowers

Ps. Here's a picture of my bearded dragon Bruce. He loves to stretch out flat like a pancake to take in all the sun coming through the window!