tricky situation with a friend w/ bpd

lovemimoon

possible warning: I will talk about an incident I had with a friend who has BDP and I fear that it may trigger a negative response. So just to put this out there - all of this is my personal experience with this person. It does not reflect my views on the BPD community.

I'm feeling highly agitated so I want to get this all off my chest.

I abandoned my phone as a result of a bad fallout with a group of friends; The falling out was my fault - I did an extremely shitty and irreparable thing. And it sent me spiralling badly. Couldn't pick up my phone without having an anxiety attack. I told others that I wanted a break off social media and I did for a while. My friend sent the occasional videos there and then and it was good. At the same time, I felt so pathetic because I ran away from conflict again and with everything else that went on, I broke. But there's this situation that's been bugging me for weeks I have a lot of things in my mind so here:

A text message
Things have been extremely awkward between the group of friends and it's understandable. During all of this, I became less active on my phone and focused more on my life. I was coming back home from an outing with a friend and I saw I accidentally missed a text message from one of them Let's call them Y. I panicked and quickly replied and felt immediate dread. A few days go by and I see that I've missed two calls from them. I should have called back but they sent these two text messages that made me fucking seethe. I'll summarize it for you: "call me back so we can talk or [redacted] can come over and talk in person" followed by "you had 24 hours. Looks like you made your choice." - please bare in mind that Y and [redacted] know where I live.
Don't get me wrong, I get what Y was going for. I need to be pushed to do things and I get that cos I basically hide at the sight of potential situations that may lead to conflict. And with Y, I'm intimidated by them sometimes. But I'm intimidated by everyone soooo...

But that message left me seething. I was fucking fuming so badly I couldn't breathe. But the message put things in perspective: How they saw me. Where this relationship was headed towards.
I should be talking to Y about this but I don't want to. I don't want to give in to that message. And if I do address the situation then it's going to go south. And it hurts because I can't tell if I'm just being childish or if I'm avoiding my problems or if I'm just being selfish and stubborn.
And I know that if I don't talk to Y then things won't get resolved and they'll be really upset cos I haven't responded but things were already set in stone when I replied late and I could tell they were already annoyed - I'm already feeling myself panic just from writing that.

I haven't responded since.

I'm feeling all this anger and agitation but there's one I've been feeling the most - guilt.
To put it simply: The day that they sent me that text was the day I deleted their number and I feel really guilty about it. I acted out of anger and I should have called them back, at least. Just to confirm here - I can still see their messages cos they have my number saved. So I can still message them. Does that make sense?
I'm aware of them having BPD and if I were to end the friendship, then I'm abandoning years worth of friendship. And I'm abandoning them. Over what? A text message? In a way, I did when I deleted their number. I feel like I'm being a huge bitch. I'm stuck - I hurt them a lot with my actions and I want to make things right between us. However, even if we resolve things, I'm not comfortable being in this friendship at all. Sometimes, love isn't enough.

What do you guys think?

I'm sorry this is such a huge mess.

Former Member

@lovemimoon Hey I can see this is a very sticky situation you are in personally I haven’t had a friend like that yet but I just wanted to say that you are brave for reaching out here and I am proud of you ❤️Don’t give up x

lovemimoon

Thanks @_Tech_Addict_Girl x

Former Member

I mean I assume the person you've redacted coming round is a very bad thing, and obviously I'm not asking for details there, cause there's a reason you've redacted them. So like essentially Y has used that person and presumably a knowledge of whatever happened between you two as a threat, I don't necessarily know if you should be friends with someone who does that.

Obviously I only know of one thing Y has done, so I don't know how commonly they act like this, whether they will change, anything like that. But as you said you're not comfortable with a friendship with them and you just want to make things right. When you say you want to make things right does that mean to apologise for whatever happened or something else? I don't know much about your situation but apologies are always valuable, unless you and Y are no longer on speaking terms or they threaten you again apologising would probably help. It might make them feel less bad about what happened and it would probably help your conscience a little too.

I know you've had problems with your friend group so I guess I'm glad you found The Mix at least, cause everyone here has your back, hope it all turns out okay.

Former Member

Also, Y owes you an apology too

lovemimoon

Apollo wrote: »

I mean I assume the person you've redacted coming round is a very bad thing, and obviously I'm not asking for details there, cause there's a reason you've redacted them. So like essentially Y has used that person and presumably a knowledge of whatever happened between you two as a threat, I don't necessarily know if you should be friends with someone who does that.

Obviously I only know of one thing Y has done, so I don't know how commonly they act like this, whether they will change, anything like that. But as you said you're not comfortable with a friendship with them and you just want to make things right. When you say you want to make things right does that mean to apologise for whatever happened or something else? I don't know much about your situation but apologies are always valuable, unless you and Y are no longer on speaking terms or they threaten you again apologising would probably help. It might make them feel less bad about what happened and it would probably help your conscience a little too.

I know you've had problems with your friend group so I guess I'm glad you found The Mix at least, cause everyone here has your back, hope it all turns out okay.

Hiya!
They don't act like this at all. So, it's a first offence, I guess? But I think even if it was a first offence, it's enough to make me reconsider this friendship.
By making things right, I want to hear them out. They wanted to talk to me and I feel like it was way out of hand to delete their number. There was a previous issue and we've already spoke it out, and I apologized.

Thank you for your encouraging words!