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(TW) My memories are messed up and I can't remember some of the details.
Former Member
Posts: 177 Helping Hand
TW: cocsa, molestation.
I don't know how to feel about this and i'm confused as ever today, so I need help if you want to answer this. I wish I can share my story, but I'm already tired of it and I'm afraid it will make you annoyed. I'm so sorry if this really confusing.
I don't know how to feel about this and i'm confused as ever today, so I need help if you want to answer this. I wish I can share my story, but I'm already tired of it and I'm afraid it will make you annoyed. I'm so sorry if this really confusing.
In
the beginning after I wrote my story for the first time in another
forum. I tried to remember what my brother 'actually' did to me at the
first time but I can't?
Then why did I run away from him and finding my mom and said that he 'sexy' me? This is what I remembered that day when I was about 6/7 years old. I also flinched away, kicked and hit him and my dad with things defensively while they touched me playfully because I thought that they sexualized me since I was a kid.
Around 8-10 I remembered that my brother was dry-humping me on top of me while we were on the bed once. Even we had our clothes on, I still remembered his small pants with each thrusts. He stroked my waist while I was froze at that moment, I told him to stop because it tickles and I felt very uncomfortable about it, but he didn't.
Around 11-12, he kept asking me until I say yes to watch porn movie that my parents bought, so I decided to with him once until the movie ends, it was uncomfortable, I couldn't go anywhere because he was beside me. We didn't play that game anymore after that.
Another one is that, I almost asked him to play that 'game' because I was confused. That moment was highly uncomfortable when I asked him to play but deep down, I just want to experience what he did to me on the bed over again.
I do have intrusive violent sexual thoughts when any men or guy near me or around me, my part down there is always pulsing when those thoughts came in in school years. For now, it's not so much as before.
Though until now. I think he didn't mentioned that much anymore, but sometimes he says I'm 'cute' or 'pretty'. Sometimes he wants to squish my cheeks. But what I'm bothered the most is that he sometimes put his hands on my neck playfully like he wants to choke me. Though I still get away from him everytime he did that, I'm uncomfortable with it, even he's just being playful as my parents said to me.
Then why did I run away from him and finding my mom and said that he 'sexy' me? This is what I remembered that day when I was about 6/7 years old. I also flinched away, kicked and hit him and my dad with things defensively while they touched me playfully because I thought that they sexualized me since I was a kid.
Around 8-10 I remembered that my brother was dry-humping me on top of me while we were on the bed once. Even we had our clothes on, I still remembered his small pants with each thrusts. He stroked my waist while I was froze at that moment, I told him to stop because it tickles and I felt very uncomfortable about it, but he didn't.
Around 11-12, he kept asking me until I say yes to watch porn movie that my parents bought, so I decided to with him once until the movie ends, it was uncomfortable, I couldn't go anywhere because he was beside me. We didn't play that game anymore after that.
Another one is that, I almost asked him to play that 'game' because I was confused. That moment was highly uncomfortable when I asked him to play but deep down, I just want to experience what he did to me on the bed over again.
I do have intrusive violent sexual thoughts when any men or guy near me or around me, my part down there is always pulsing when those thoughts came in in school years. For now, it's not so much as before.
Though until now. I think he didn't mentioned that much anymore, but sometimes he says I'm 'cute' or 'pretty'. Sometimes he wants to squish my cheeks. But what I'm bothered the most is that he sometimes put his hands on my neck playfully like he wants to choke me. Though I still get away from him everytime he did that, I'm uncomfortable with it, even he's just being playful as my parents said to me.
I don't know why I can't remember the rest of it. Is this counted as sexual abuse? Or maybe grooming? And why did I want to experiece that feeling again that happened years ago? Is it my fault?
(Edit: I understand if this is too much to ask. I really overwhemled because of this, so I couldn't help but ask a lot. If it feels tiring, you can answer one of them if you want to!).
Post edited by TheMix on
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Comments
Sorry I don’t really have any advice but I’m always happy to listen. Sometimes feeling heard can really help, I’m just sorry I can’t do more.
I don’t have any answers sorry but one thing I want to say is it certainly isn’t your fault. I’m sorry I can’t help more. We’re always here if you ever need anything.
It's understandable that you can't remember some of the details. You were so young and it sounds like it was a very confusing time for you.
Have you been able to talk to anyone else about this? like SpaceOtter said perhaps a family member, teacher, co-worker, or even your GP? They would know how best to support you further.
I don't have any advice, I wish I did. It was brave of you to share here and it's good that you're looking for support. Remember, this isn't your fault and you're not going to make anyone annoyed by sharing your story
Thank you, both of you, for listening to me. It really means a lot
I'm sorry if this late since I really don't know what to say, and I understand that too. I appreciate it enough if someone reading this, support and listening to me.