Home Health & Wellbeing

uh, i guess im explaining why and how i changed?

christinaj123christinaj123 Posts: 31 Boards Initiate
right i'll be honest, i've changed alot since i last posted on here. i used to be this 13 year old girl who didn't really know how to socialise/talk to people, really shy, awkward and scared of what people thought of her. now? im 14 and some lovely quotes from mum :) "manipulative" "selfish" "cold" "bitchy" and "two faced" and i know i sound like one of those tiktok girls that go "i can blink to the beat of this song, that makes me a psychopath, im so quirky" but honestly and no offence if you are one of those girls, kindly stay the fuck away from me, i hate you. anyway got a bit off track, so i've been called those things from several people and honestly im glad i was otherwise i'd still be the person i was. i no longer give a flying fuck about what you think of me, still don't like talking to people but now i'd rather be alone whereas before, being alone gave me anxiety. 

obviously it wasn't just being called everything i wasn't that made me change, i got locked in a house with my parents and siblings for near enough 5 months and i didn't get a single message from anyone, simply asking "how are you" then i realised how stupid can i be? clearly nobody cares why the FUCK should i? then somehow, don't know how my brain went fuck you to EVERYONE and since then i don't care about anyone or anything. oh there was also a thing during lockdown with my big brother TW ig where he went missing, we found him and he had tried to OD but oh well hes alive. uh my cat died, he got hit by a car, he was only 7 months old that was also during lockdown. however, not during lockdown, right now actually, my little sister is being referred to CAMHS because she has anxiety and has panic attacks because she doesn't want to go to school, and it just puts me in a bad mood cause i need to push her out the door so my dad doesn't take days off work to deal with her. then i go into school in bad moods everyday, get demerits, referals, detentions, put on behavior sheets just a bunch of shit that puts me in even bigger bad moods for coming home to my mum and dad. oh also during lockdown, my boyfriend broke up with me because, and i quote, "your'e changing and i don't like it" tbf he was and still is an absolute dickhead .

referring to the quote my mum used to describe me "manipulative" i wouldn't say im manipulative but sometimes i do use people to get what i want. the quote "selfish" i'll be honest that's true. "cold" im not cold i just dont show emotion because if i really think about it i only have 2 emotions all the time, anger/annoyance and hate/disgust and i guess im judgy.

sometimes my mum goes ohhhh you're so blah blah and im just like shut the fuck up, you painted this picture of me and i became it, it's your problem that the picture YOU painted of me wasn't this perfect, bubbly, happy girl who loves everything and lets everyone walk all over her. i became the reality of the the picture you painted, this horrible, nasty bitch who puts people in their place when they try to walk over her, i'm sorry im not the daughter you wanted. at least i can stick up for myself unlike you and everyone else in this fucking family. im your ONLY child that doesn't have either anxiety or depression, but that doesn't mean you can walk all over me and re-paint your picture because you can't do it with them, but im finally happy with the picture you painted of me, and thanks to your picture i don't need to change unless I want to and if i do, it'll be for ME and because I want to.

i know iv'e made my mum look horrible, shes not she just says things that she doesn't realise affect me because i don't have anxiety or depression, if i did i know she wouldn't say things because she never says things to my siblings. the things she said affected who i changed into. 

i just wrote this to at least let SOMEONE know that i was made into this "bitchy, two faced, selfish" person, i didn't choose this. 
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Comments

  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 854 Part of The Mix Family
    Hi @christinaj123 I’m so sorry to read how you have been made to feel over the past few months. It sounds like you have been through a lot and it would be natural for you to feel upset / angry and for that to have an impact on the way you see yourself. Especially if your mum is calling you those hurtful names. I don’t suppose you can talk to your dad about how you are feeling, or one of your siblings or someone at school?

    Might not be helpful but I wanted to tell you that you are important, and you are not just a load of negative words. Sending hugs
    - Lucy 
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • MaisyMaisy The Mix convert CymruPosts: 316 Moderator
    Hey @christinaj123

    I don't believe that anyone simply chooses to be the way they are- I definitely think that how we feel and act towards others can be a reflection of how others have treated us. And it sounds like you've had a difficult time with your mum and other people calling you such things. I think it makes sense that as a result, you would just stop caring. 

    It's also understandable that being in lockdown, especially with your mum saying those things to you, and other things going on would make you feel worse. You mentioned that during the time you were in lockdown, you didn't get any messages from friends. I'm guessing you may feel that they don't care about you? I think that makes sense but also wanted to ask whether you reached out to them? Sometimes we might think that our friends should reach out to us, but then our friends may not realise we feel this way, so if they don't reach out, we feel let down, but our friends may be confused if they didn't realise that we wanted them to reach out. To help with this, you could try reaching out to your friends or let them know that you missed them and wanted them to message you. As hard as it is, just because they didn't message you, it doesn't mean they don't care. Even if that's how they feel, you could always try finding friends who can be there for you. 

    It must be difficult for you all as a family if your brother OD'd and your sister is being referred to CAMHS and that you feel responsible for trying to get her to go to school to prevent your dad from staying home from work. It makes sense that all of this would put you in a bad mood before you even get to school and that when you are in school, you may feel that you don't care and as a result get punished. I'm wondering if any of your teachers know about what's going on at home? Maybe you could try talking to them? They may not realise how stressful things have been for you and why you seem to be acting out and maybe if they understood what was going on for you they could be more understanding and help you more rather than punish you? 

    You mention that you're the only child in your family that doesn't have anxiety or depression. I'm wondering if perhaps you feel angry not only at the way you have been treated by others, but also because you might not be getting the support you need as well and yet you are trying to be supportive with your sister? It also sounds like though the things your mum says do affect you, she may not realise just how much what she is saying gets to you. Maybe, when things are calm, you can try talking to her or writing a letter to her and let her know that you are told that you are selfish, manipulative or cold that it hurts you, makes you feel worse, and pushes you to react the way you do and that maybe you could say how much you are hurting instead? Even though things are stressful, you still deserve love and support <3 

    Hope this helps a bit and feel free to Speak to Our Team - The Mix 
    Jordan
  • LorryTruckLorryTruck ManchesterPosts: 66 Boards Initiate
     <3 
    I've seen so much I can't unsee
    I've learned to suffer silently
    Fight a war every day that no one sees
    It's torture always remembering
    I don't want them to think I'm weak
    So I bite my tongue until it bleeds
    The weight of this is breaking me
    To keep it under lock and key
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 643 Incredible Poster
    Hi @christinaj123

    I'd love to echo what @Maisy has said as I really do agree. I also want you to know that this is a space where you are always free to share your voice and we will listen. You deserve to be heard, for exactly the ways you are feeling, and we are right here to listen and to understand. How did it feel to write your thoughts out in this post? I think you did really well :heart:
    Jordan
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