Sending nudes

Former Member

Hey guys, sorry I haven't been here for a while. I need some support and advice with something now and you have always been really helpful before. 

Basically I have just started a relationship in February. Have been talking to him since December but only became officially BF/GF a couple of months ago. Everything was going really well at uni with him and he helped me through so much stuff. He knew about my previous sexual assault and was happy to go slowly and stayed through many panic attacks that occurred from me trying to let him close because of memories coming back. There was also an incident that I needed to get the police involved in and he came and sat at the station with me for 4 hours when I gave my statement.
Obviously, with the current situation, I have gone home and he has also returned home. This means we are about 250 miles apart and haven't seen each other for weeks and still have weeks to go until we can see each other again. We have been calling or FaceTiming most days and having a chat and its all been going really well even though there have been many tears from me missing him it's all good apart from one thing which is the issue I need some advice with. 

He asked me for pictures a few weeks ago. I know everyone feels differently about this but I really don't like doing it. One reason being I hate my body and the other being that I'm scared it will get out and others will see them. He assured me this wasn't the case but told me it was completely my choice and i didn't have to if i didn't want to but he missed me so much and was the closest he could get to me. i sent him one and he was happy with that but then he asked me for another one a few days later. Long story short (ish) i got upset a few days ago and we talked it through and i explained how vulnerable it makes me feel and that i didn't like doing it. He said all I have to do is say and he will delete all the photos I have sent him straight away (there are a few now). We then decided he wouldn't ask me for any and If i wanted to send him any i could but not to feel i had to or anything.

Last night, we were FaceTiming and he asked to "see me". I don't mind boobs as long as my face isn't in it but he then wanted more and kept pushing. He did keep asking if i was okay and saying i could say no but i didn't want to upset him and so kept going but in the end, it ended with me in tears and him feeling bad for asking because he knew i hate doing it. We called again today and he said he wasn't annoyed at me for not wanting to and that we are all good but im scared its going to end.  

Now i really don't know what to do because i really like him but don't like sending photos. I don't want him to get bored of me and not want to see me anymore and realise there are so many better people than me out there. I want him to be happy and not have to feel that he has to walk on eggshells around me. I feel so bad but because of past experience, i don't like people having access to "down there" in any way unless its 100% my choice and i feel no pressure at all. The issue with the police was a man taking pictures of me getting changed in a pool cubicle so that has not helped things at all. 

Is there anything i can do so that we are both happy in this situation? 
Am i overreacting? 
How can i get over my past so it doesn't affect me so much?

So sorry this is so long, i have no one to talk this out with at home so just need someone to tell me I'm not being stupid and any advice if you have any. I feel so confused and this is my first relationship ever so its all really new to me and don't want to mess it up.

Esme

Former Member

Hey Esme This sounds really tough for you. 

In my opinion, if you're not comfortable sending the photos then don't! You have to put your own well being first in these situations and that is all that matters. 

It sounds like you really do love this person and love you back which is such a wonderful thing, your partner seems happy to take things slowly so don't rush! Unconditional love would mean that your partner would always love you no matter what and the perfect person for you sounds like someone who would respect the past difficulties you have faced. You should be confident that he will always support you and if that is not the case then no one will be positive in the relationship so keep on maintaining your boundaries and if it doesn't work out, then cross that bridge when it comes, try not to worry about things that haven't happened  

 

Former Member

@MountainPeak Thanks for taking the time to read this. Didnt realise it was so so long, sorry!! 
I just really don't want him to get bored of me. Is it normal to not want to send them or is it me being weird? 
Yeah I do really like him and I think he feels the same. He said he loves me for the first time the other day which was really nice and I hope he means it. I think he will be ok but I don't send anymore but it makes me feel bad.
Im so bad at getting ahead of myself and thinking the worst!

Former Member

@Esme17 I definitely don't think it's just you, I have no past experience of sexual abuse or anything but I would still never send photos myself. It's just something I would personally be willing to do. For me, my body is my own temple and I deserve the right to control who sees it. I don't want someone to be able to view my most private places on my body all the time, I want it to be saved for intimate moments together in person. It's just the way I respect my body and it's alright if others want to do it differently

ellie2000

If u share pornography pics they will come for u n u might end up on the sex offenders register n the wen all the r fine they will put on the barred list for five years which if u try to tell them weren't in the wrong, they will make ur mental health deteriorate more. xx

ellie2000

N they take it devices n search them without consent

They keep u waiting, wen they decided wat to do with u life is hell. They assign u a officer. N u hav to notify the police if u go on holiday. At the end of the torture,u prepare questions and they r not answered coz they left. So there's always people watching ur internet xx

ellie2000

They won't listen wat u say

Azziman

I think it's important to do what you're comfortable with, by setting and respecting boundaries. Plenty of people have relationships without sending anything, so if that's what you're comfortable with then it can definitely work for you. It doesn't make you lesser in any way x

Former Member

I just wanted to weigh in here quick to say that it sounds like you had some really tough experiences with this issue @ellie2000 and I'm glad you've learned from what you've been through. I'm a bit wary that those experiences are quite unique to you and might not represent what Esme could expect in this situation. It's important that we try and keep things grounded here and avoid exploring worst case scenarios more than necessary. Hope that makes sense.

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As for what you're dealing with @Esme17 I'd like to echo with the great advice others have already given you, there's absolutely nothing wrong with establishing what makes you feel uncomfortable. From what you've said it sounds like he's pretty understanding and won't take it badly if you just say "no" when he asks for something you don't want to do. It can be tough but it's important to try to focus on your own feelings rather than worrying about what other people want from you.

Former Member

Many people have relationships without sending anything I personally think guys that ask for photos are pricks. you can just say NO and make it clear, the fact that you've told him you're not comfortable and he kept asking and pushing is not a good sign. Saying "you can just say no, I'll delete them all if you want me to" can sometimes be said as a way to manipulate u. If he really respected u he would have just stopped asking you the minute u hinted that u weren't comfortable with it. 

Former Member

oh and I'd also like to add that if you do send anything, DO NOT SHOW YOUR FACE IN THE PICTURE x