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I Want To Give Up

DancerDancer Bog Off Justine!Posts: 5,322 Part of The Furniture
Warning: This is a very long thing that might be a bit upsetting to anyone who is sensitive for whatever reason. Yes, I do care about each and every single one of you.  is more like a rant than a message but it is a rant out of sadness and desperation to speak up. Not out of anger. I don't feel angry at all. This is in a spoiler due to the length and it could be triggering. @The Mix and anyone who is concerned- I am not in crisis before you start asking. 

Things feel really hard for me and I don't know whether I should bother being a burden by talking about it. I think that I might be a victim of bullying at school (again.)

Things at home are good but at school it feels like things are just always getting worse. I never have a day at school (or even more than an hour) without feeling scared or sad. Why does it have to be me? Or anyone? I know that I am an utter weirdo who is really ugly and stupid and that I don't have any friends. But I don't need my life made into a waking nightmare every day at school because of it. 

It feels normal for me to get bullied at school. It is really hard although I deserve to be bullied. You will probably disagree with me but it feels like I deserve it. I barely have any confidence or self esteem anymore. I cannot remember when I last did have confidence or self esteem. It must have been a long time ago. Sorry if I seem dramatic or annoying. Things just feel really hard for me and I can't cope. 

I don't know who to talk to. Nobody at school will listen to me. I feel too scared to talk to my parents. My friends won't understand how hard the bullying is for me to cope with. I don't want to bother Childline or Samaritans. 

It feels like I am alone even if I am in a room full of people. Sometimes (okay okay a lot of the time) I break down into tears  (silently and on my own) and want to give up. I can't give up. 

I understand that some of this might not make sense so feel free to ask me to clarify any stuff that you don't understand.

I hate being a victim of bullying. But it has turned into a part of my life. It is a never ending cycle of torture (emotionally) that will never end.

There is a quote that a lot of people use to try and glamour bullying.  "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me." 

Honestly, that is an absolute lie. Injuries heal and tears dry. But the words scar and remain forever. I can still remember the horrible names that I was called back in May. It might not seem that long ago but my memory mainly focuses on the bad stuff that has happened to me or other people around me. 

Why just why does bullying exist? Part of me wants to just give up and let the bullies defeat me. Part of me wants me to rise up. But the part of me that wants to rise up is permanently being crushed by the thoughts of wanting to give up and to let the bullies defeat me. They always have defeated me. And they always will. 

I am an ugly, weak, stupid, irrelevant, worthless piece of scum. Or at least it feels like I am those bad things. :( 😢

Thank you for reading this and for at least getting to this part. I hope that you can at least understand small parts of this. 

Sorry for being a waste of time and space. It was really emotionally difficult for me to right this. It is always scary for me to talk to anyone about things.  Especially when the topic is difficult. Such as bereavement or bullying (particularly when the topic is bullying which is what this message is supposed to be about if you don't have any clue about it whatsoever.)

I hope that you and the people that you love are staying safe and well during the current coronavirus outbreak. Sometimes the news about it just makes me so stressed and anxious on top of everything else that has been going on. Have a nice evening. :) 

That was just a friendly smile out of respect. I have respect for everyone. Even those who bully me. That is why I will never be a bully. I don't want anyone to ever have to feel how I feel at the moment. My true emotions at the moment are sadness, loneliness and anxiety. But that doesn't really matter anymore. Or at least I feel like how I feel does not matter. Hopefully you can understand why from reading this discussion about why I feel like this.

From the ugly, stupid, irrelevant piece of scum (aka me.)
There's a part of me I can't get back.  A little girl grew up too fast. All it took was once. I'll never be the same.
EleanorKathleen07Azzimanluvlylad69

Comments

  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 12,442 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Hey Kasa,

    I am glad you posted <3. Not a burden at all. Thank you for being able to share it all here!

    There isnt ever a reason for someone being bullied only ever a reason that theyre bullying people. Cause youre not the problem - they must be dealing with something and need to sort that out but should never hurt anyone else.  No matter what you look like, how many friends you have - you are  unique, and you have your own personality and apperarence. And every person is worthy and adds something to the world and youre not any of those things. No one has the right to call you ugly, i dont need to look at you to know youre not cause you have your own unique features!

    It is understandable to have a lack of confidence and self esteem - and its horrible you feel so shit because of the shitty things other people say. It takes real corage just to get through everyday and ive never been through bullying -(apart from to myself )- and i cant cope with that let alone others saying horrible stuff with me. Its really admiring to see how strong you are. 

    What i did notice was that you say " or atleast i Feel like those bad things" or "you may disagree". I actually like reading that bit cause youre slightly seperating what theyre saying from facts. Just because they say it - it doesnt mean it is facts or that you should think that or that other would think that. 

    Take care of yourself even when others arent very caring. You deserve care <3
    Hi
  • Han93Han93 EnglandPosts: 309 The Mix Regular
    Heya @Kasa2103

    Sending you so many hugs <3 I just want you to know that we are here for you and will always listen. You should be so proud of yourself for speaking out about these horrible experiences you have been through. I think @Shaunie is completely right - you are not the problem, you seem like a really lovely, kind, genuine person. There is no excuse for bullying and it says more about the bullies than it does about you.

    We have got a few articles about bullying that might be useful for you to have a read of:
    https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/friendship/beat-bullying-6285.html
    https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/friendship/expert-chat-bullying-15348.html
    https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/body-image-and-self-esteem/how-to-handle-body-shaming-32324.html

    I hope some of these help <3
    Dancer
  • DancerDancer Bog Off Justine! Posts: 5,322 Part of The Furniture
    Thank you so much everyone. Still struggling and feeling quite low but it doesn't matter. I still feel like a burden too. :(
    There's a part of me I can't get back.  A little girl grew up too fast. All it took was once. I'll never be the same.
    Kathleen07
  • JamJarJamJar Posts: 255 Super Moderator
    Hey @Kasa2103
    Just wanted to send love and big hugs your way. Depending on how long the bullying has gone on for, I can completely understand why it may still feel like you are a burden. But as @Shaunie says, there is a difference between opinions and the facts. and it's clear that it's a fact that you are not a burden <3 

     It's great to read how self aware you are and how intune you are with your own emotions. This covid-19 situation gives you a physical break from the bullying but I understand that the effect they have had mentally does not just go away because you no longer see them. But give yourself a bit of a slack. It will take time to show your brain that these "feelings" about yourself are just thoughts that have been repeatedly shouted at you, and that they do not define you. 

    A lot of people care about you on here and we want to continue to hear your thoughts and stories. Continue being strong and brave, and hopefully slowly we can all make this world a little bit more pleasant for everyone else. :) 

    Stay safe x
    Dancer
  • DancerDancer Bog Off Justine! Posts: 5,322 Part of The Furniture
    Thank you for your love, kindness and understanding but it isn't even a physical break from the bullying. I still have to go to school. :(
    There's a part of me I can't get back.  A little girl grew up too fast. All it took was once. I'll never be the same.
    chubbydumpling
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 3,589 Community Veteran
    Kasa, you are most definitely NOT a burden... have you spoken to anyone at the school about the bullying? <3
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
  • DancerDancer Bog Off Justine! Posts: 5,322 Part of The Furniture
    Thank you. Yesterday I spoke to my science teacher but it didn't really help. :(
    There's a part of me I can't get back.  A little girl grew up too fast. All it took was once. I'll never be the same.
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