VO5 Series: Exploring your sexuality

Former Member

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Another week, another theme and discussion! The VO5 theme this week is gender, identity and sexuality and I’m discussing the topic of exploring your sexuality. 

I think this is a great one because as we grow and develop as a human, it is not one bit unusual to find yourself questioning your sexuality. However, it can prove to be a difficult and confusing time for some. 

The ‘exploring your sexuality’ article discusses some of the confusing questions people face when going through times of uncertainty. Some of the important points I picked out include: 

• Sexuality is incredibly fluid and different for everyone.
• Whatever you think about (eg liking a person of the same sex) it’s completely normal. 
• It’s natural to have a desire to explore all the different possibilities.

It would be great to hear what everyone thinks!

How would you identify your sexuality?  

Has your sexuality always been obvious or is it something that has caused a bit of confusion? 

What advise would you offer someone who is experiencing confusion about their sexuality? 

Former Member

Hi @Past User - great thread! I've only skimmed the article but it raises some very interesting points. 

I've identified as bisexual since I was around 13 years old. For me, it was obvious long before that but I didn't really have a word to put to it until then. I never felt the need to come out since I treated it as just part of who I was, the majority of my friends were pretty accepting. 

I think most of my confusion stemmed from stereotypes about the bisexual community from allies and the LGBTQ+ community. For a long time, I didn't become involved in queer spaces because I felt as though my identity was constantly invalidated by other people. I wish that I had someone to talk to about it but I kept most of my concerns internalized. I think the best advice I can offer is to talk to someone you trust about your confusion. Use them as a sounding board.

Sexuality is fluid, it can change on a day to day basis and still be totally valid. There's no rush to stick a label on yourself.

Former Member

Hey @Past User love this thread you made,

I identifyed as gay (also go by queer too) and it came to me around August 2018 and then came out mid August, early September and previously been questioning for nearly 6 years,

My sexuality has been one roller-coaster of exploreing myself and getting down to my deep self, then though I'm actually came out as gay, I'm not completely sure if I actually like sex so I'm also exploreing the possibility of being under the asexual umbrella

My advice would quite like what @Past User said and speak out to others about it because it's one big confusing, I didn't speak to anyone until year 11 and that was to my gay science teacher,

@Past User if you don't mind, could you expand on what you mean here (no pressure if you don't want too) 

 For a long time, I didn't become involved in queer spaces

My leap into the LGBTQ+ community was actually 4 months ago when I decided to go topaz (lgbtq+ support group) in Oxford and to me that's made me become more connected to the community and actually made me think that the whole of Oxfordshire isn't white straight people,

And never let one down be the end of you stopping of exploreing yourself,
Love is love 😍 

Former Member

Sure thing @Past User! Great advice btw

For a long time, I didn't become involved in queer spaces

I've pretty much always known I was bisexual so my identity never really came into question during that initial exploration stage. When I started to want to get involved in queer groups and meetups etc, I experienced a bit of biphobia that really threw me. People invalidating my sexuality by saying things like: you're just confused, why are you trying to look cool, how can you be bi I've never seen you with a girl etc. It didn't make me question my identity but it made me feel unwelcome in queer spaces. 

I've since got over it. For a long time, I think I let that one bad experience stop me. But now I help out at a few LGBTQ+ community orgs and I've built some really meaningful connections. 

I hope that answers your question

Former Member

@Past User ah now I get, I'm sorry that you expereiced that biphobia, their someone at my college who's pansexual and she goes by bi just so she doesn't get asked all the questions on what pan means and stuff like that, and that issue where people are like, you never had an girlfriend so how do you know your bi, that would really push me down if that happened to me,

Former Member

Thank you @Past User

Funnily enough, I just posted a discussion about pansexuality and bisexuality yesterday. I've had a few friends who have done the same thing to avoid having to explain themselves over and over again. It's here if you're interested: https://community.themix.org.uk/discussion/3594682/vo5-summer-of-love-series-what-is-pansexuality#latest 

Former Member

Following on from what you said about people invalidating your sexuality, I suffered an similar issue with coming out to two friends as they was certain I wasn't gay because I "didn't act gay enough"

Then moving onto my uncle who decided to humilityed me in from of my family as he asked me how gay sex works and what goes where and then made fun about it and how it's northing like what he classed as "normal sex" (striaght couple sex)

Ever since that my whole family have disowned him and as far as we all go, he's not part of are family any more, 

Former Member

Hi @Past User

Thank you for such an interesting and informative thread!



Hey @Past User

That sounds like a horrible thing to go through. I'm glad your family resented this behaviour and acted by disowning him as a result. 

The belief that one should act differently due to their sexuality is such a misconception! 

As this article says when addressing a friend coming out to you:
'Don’t expect your friend to change their appearance and their identity because they’re not straight. They haven’t become a different person overnight. They won’t suddenly acquire dress sense and aspirations of a career in hairdressing, nor will they rush to shave their head and join the pool team. Sexual identity is part of your personality, it doesn’t and shouldn’t shape your whole life.' 
https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/gender-and-sexuality/when-a-friend-comes-out-3346.html

Remember, this applies to you too.

All the best

Former Member

Hey @Past User @Past User

Thank you both for sharing your experiences and giving some great advice, its been great reading through your conversation, you have both given me some more insight in to some of the struggles of coming out. I’m sorry that you have both experience invalidation from people, that must have been hard. 

Siena

Have no idea what my sexuality is and I think that's okay
I've always just assumed am straight cause that's what's expected now i don’t know and don't really think much about it unless I was to like someone and then that's only when it's important but still just like whoever. But tbh I don't really understand how you know your sexuality since I don't really know what I feel half the time let alone put a label on it. I think probably just striaght but I mean I could choose to put that label on myself & I do when asked. And then I guess I'd do put label on yourself it doesn't have to stay at that and can always change anyway since you're only one who knows. 

and that's also the advice I'd give to someone confused about their sexuality.