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TRIGGER WARNING- Sexual assault

dancertoridancertori Posts: 127 The Mix Convert
in Sex & Relationships
Hi guys,

background - So growing up I was abused sexually by my father, he would pin me down and have sex with me, my mum kicked him out when i was 11, but my brother was also abusive, and that didn't stop till i reported it when i was 13. 

now - i feel like i'm never going to be able to have sex, i cant even masturbate with out freaking out, i want to be able to, it feels good but i start to panic and it ruins it. when i've had partners i never really got far, like we would be all ready to dive in, and i do wanted it, but then i would freak before anything happend. sometimes all it took was them to touch me, not even intimately, and i freaked. i get so so horny sometimes, but if i try to do anything i freak. i feel like such a failure, i want to have children one day, but that seems so out of reach when i cant even touch myself never mind have sex

Comments

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Heyy

    its understandable your trauma has changed the way you think about sex and sexual things. It takes a lot to try to change too and strength - not a failure, is really hard and youve been doing well to try. Can hear is really hard. 

    Some people find it helpful to tell partners about past trauma so theyre aware - did you do this, ? thats Always a choice - not only one tho and thats always totally up to you and should try to do whatever is most comfortable. 

    I read this article a while ago 
    https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/having-sex/how-to-be-intimate-after-rape-27223.html

    It says; 
    It is completely normal. This will get better with time and patience, after re-learning to be intimate with a partner who feels safe. Stressful events in the future can trigger memories though, and people might experience some challenges many years later. This is completely normal, and it doesn’t mean that it has to stay like this or there’s something wrong with you
    There is also some links at the end on who could help. 

    It is a lot to process and can take awhile to change how you view sex. 
    Have you had support for this?

    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 774 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey @dancertori

    First thing I wanted to say is don't feel like you have to masterbate, gonna be totally honest with you, im 17 and I don't even know how to masterbate? (and i don't particular want to before anyone starts explaining how to masterbate to me) 

    obviously you have an terrible childhood with that terrible man as your father and your brother and im deeply sorry to hear about your past, sexual abuse is terrible, I would definitely give an read that article that @Shaunie shared above, 

    Have you tried taking things slow with your partner maybe as like building up to it?

    Obviously things aren't going to be easy to start with and if your boyfriend (assuming tell me if I'm wrong) would be the one for you if he's willing to take things slow and is understanding about the issue.

    Hope things get better soon.



  • Former MemberFormer Member Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Hey Tori :heart:

    Firstly just want to say how positive it is that you're reaching out for support, we are here for you. :heart:

    https://rapecrisis.org.uk/ Rape crisis may be a good website to look into at some point if you get a chance it has a helpline, and also lots of information :heart: 

    Also you say you want to have children, you can get to this point, my big sister was abused as a child, and in time things got better for her with the correct support, she had counselling, she wasn't in a relationship for a very long time, but then she met her partner, they got married and they have two little boys :heart: 

    Just wanted to share that to let you know that it doesn't have to always be this way, you can get through this. Even if it doesn't feel like you can right now, you are strong :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 309 The Mix Regular
    Hey @dancertori

    Firstly I just wanted to say sorry for everything that you went through in your childhood but you are so strong to be able to speak about it and I think that's such a vital first step so thank you for sharing this with us <3

    I think all the advice the guys have already given is brilliant - i'd just like to add on https://www.havoca.org 

    HAVOCA is run by survivors for adult survivors of child abuse. They provide support, friendship and advice for any adult who’s life has been affected by childhood abuse.

    I'm sure there will be people on this page who are going through a similar experience as you so it might be useful to have a look on there and chat to them.

    Hope this helps!
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