A weird relationship

Former Member

Sooo, this story is weird I'll give you that..
So, it started a couple of months ago, when I met this guy on the internet, through a video game, we would talk a lot, but I never really said who I was, like litteraly. This man is in his 30s I believe, and since I did not specifiy my gender, he thinks I'm a girl (I'm a boy btw), however I did say my age, which is 15. I have never corrected him when he refered to me as a girl, I don't know why, maybe I enjoyed it somehow. We talked a lot about each other, but we stopped talking for about 2 months, yet, a week ago he started talking to me again. In fact he told me more about him. He has clinical depression and has started medication recently. This guy is awesomly cute, a tru sweetheart, and we have a lot of fun. The problem is... well things got a bit ,well, sexual, lately. Even at the beginning we would make lewd jokes about each other, but nothing too bad, just having fun teasing each other, and honestly it is very fun and I quite enjoy it, we are very attachted to each other. However since we started talking again, he started being a bit more extreme, like he wanted to "watch me" when I would take a shower, this kind of thing... It might still be jokes for now, maybe was he not serious, I honestly can't tell, but I don't think any adult should send such things to an underage girl. I honestly don't know what to do, I enjoy talking to him a lot, he is very sweet and I believe he is a great, but sad, person. I don't really want to say anything for now, but I just wanted to know what you guys thought about it.

Former Member

Hey @Past User

I'm proud that would have found someone that your an relationship, it took me some time let it stink in that theirs about 15 years between you both. 

I knie this maybe quite private to you so don't feel like you have to answer but are you transgender? (transising from female to male) if you aren't that's fine and if you are u welcome you to the lbgt community (I'm gay btw)

What you describeing to me sounds an lot like my relationship with my 15 year old boyfriend where he was really sexual eager and me (17 year old) not so much for two reasons, legally it's wrong and I'm not ready,

, he started being a bit more extreme, like he wanted to "watch me" when I would take a shower, this kind of thing... I

This is what concerns me the most as, if you don't feel comfortable with it, then say NO and if he doesn't back off then you might want to consider ending the relationship between you two

Hope this helps 
davcr0ck 

Former Member

hello @Past User,
Its good that you wrote here if you have doubts it's always better discuss.

              It's nice that you enjoy talking to him, I guess there is no problem to talk to someone if you like it regardless person's age. But concerning his requests...I believe you should do as you feel. I don't know this person but in general I know that there are a lot of people who, unfortunatelly, like to manipulate. So whatever you decide to do I guess you shouldn't do it just because you're afraid to make him upset or because you feel blame. If you do not feel like sharing smth just do not do it. Of cause person can persuade you to do what he wants but the first thought is right. I mean if after request your first wish is not to do it, so that's your true wish.
                      And also , in case if you decide to share, please remember about safety issues just to keep it as secure as possible
Hope you will make the right choice 

Former Member

Hey! Thank you for your answers!

So to answer your question @Past User , no, I am not transgender. I have always wanted to be a woman so it might just be a fantasy or something, but I do not feel like a woman.

Yes I'm happy to talk to him and I know it is not illegal to do so, but I'm concerned about what could happen, I'm afraid he would become manipulative, and bringing up the fact that he has depression to gat what he wants like it has happened to my friend before, but I guess I will see if it ever happens. 

I;m also scared he finds out I'm not a girl, I would feel so bad, and I wish this relationship could exist if I said I was a boy. Yesterday, in a discussion about relationships, I agreed to beomce his "girlfriend", I don't know why I did that, probably because I did not want to make him sadder, and maybe because I enjoy it, but in a fun way. .I am not in love with him, I just enjoy the affection we give each other, but it is not love. About the possible pictures I could send and all this, the problem is, I can't, even if I wanted to (but I would never send any sexual ones to anybody), because well, he thinks I'm a girl so he would find out. So I'm scared that if he ever asks me to send pictures explicitly, I can't, and it would sadden him.

Former Member

Hey @Past User

This seems like a tricky situation to be in I understand how you'd be feeling like this.

It's a bit hard to tell what to think of it, really. He could just be making some slightly weird jokes, or this could be a sign that this is about to become unhealthy. If I was in your position, I would probably let this slide, but also stay aware of possible manipulation and concerning behaviour. I think you'll handle it well whatever happens.

Take care dude x

Sending love,

Kathleen

Former Member

Hi @Past User

I understand your feelings of confusion. Thank you for posting about this here and highlighting an issue which I think could be a learning curve for a lot of people. I'm going to go against the general consensus here and tell you straight up: this relationship dynamic is unhealthy. This man is in his 30s and he believes he's speaking to an underage girl. He's making inappropriate sexual comments to said girl. Regardless of his mental health issues, he almost certainly knows that this is wrong yet continues to do it anyway. This man is a predator. 

I know that it can be flattering and a big confidence boost to talk to someone who you feel a connection with. That is harmless enough. But if this is making you uncomfortable, I urge you not to continue talking to him. 

JustV

Past User said:

I'm going to go against the general consensus here and tell you straight up: this relationship dynamic is unhealthy. This man is in his 30s and he believes he's speaking to an underage girl. He's making inappropriate sexual comments to said girl. Regardless of his mental health issues, he almost certainly knows that this is wrong yet continues to do it anyway. This man is a predator. 

I know that it can be flattering and a big confidence boost to talk to someone who you feel a connection with. That is harmless enough. But if this is making you uncomfortable, I urge you not to continue talking to him. 

This.

Legalities aside, a relationship between a minor (or anyone young) and someone double their age raises questions. The reason age gaps can cause concern for people isn't because of the gap on its own, but because of the power imbalance that gap can create within a relationship, and the way that can lend itself to abusive and manipulative behavior (which can be really hard to spot).

As @Past User said, it's flattering and can really make you feel loved when you find a connection like that with someone, and when you're feeling vulnerable for other reasons that can be even more powerful, making it tricky to see things objectively. The reality is that someone who is more emotionally developed than you might understand that, and has the ability to appear a certain way or make you feel good as a way of getting close to you. That's not a comment on you or where you're at - everyone is susceptible to that kind of thing - but it's healthy to question someone's genuineness in these situations.

You might not be doing anything illegal just by talking, but it's really worth considering whether this is healthy and what the motivations of this person actually are. Obviously this is something only you can answer and, as long as you're not doing anything illegal, you have the agency to make your own decisions with relationships. But it would be a disservice to you if I/we didn't point out the big red flags being shown here.

You have the right to say no to anything and everything that makes you uncomfortable, and as @Past User said, this is someone who almost certainly knows better than to make those comments. Do you think this person is talking to you for the same reasons you're talking to them? What might you say if someone close to you told you they were in this situation? These are good things to be thinking about.

It sounds like this is an emotionally complex issue for you @nekolovestea and it's brilliant that you're talking about it here. Hopefully we can help you figure things out.

Siena

Hey @Past User


Thanks for sharing & being so open. 

I personally think no respectful guy who is in their 30s would message a person they thought was a girl who is 15 in the ways you said he has. Just wouldn't and clearly has some motives and wrong. I hope you can see this and figure out the best way to go about it. 

Equally I hope you explore your feelings in which you reply in not correcting in him with the fact you're not a girl. Since you seem confused about that. 

Hope you're okay

Former Member

Hello everyone, thank you very much for all of your answers.

I will consider ever single one of your answers, and I understand everyone's opinion. I will make my own decisions and might keep posting here about how it will go but I will definitely not do anything illegal or dangerous and try to be as lucid as I can through this relationship.

I appreciate your time and support,  
See you soon, have a good day

Former Member

Hi @Past User,

Thanks for sharing your experience.

I would definitely agree with the previous comments about the power dynamic of this relationship. Making sexual advances to a 15 year old as a 30 year old is inappropriate, regardless of gender.

From how insightful and open you are being, I can tell that you will make your own decision. You are clearly very understanding and empathetic with his mental health issues but don't let that prevent you from having the strength to say No if that's what you decide is best. 

I also want to reiterate what @Shaunie said

Equally I hope you explore your feelings in which you reply in not correcting in him with the fact you're not a girl. Since you seem confused about that. 

Because this could be a real positive from this situation as self discovery is always good and it's great that you are thinking this through  

Former Member

Late update, as always, I apologize again.

So quite some time has passed and things have changed a lot as well, and I have many things to say.
First of all, this man is very kind and has absolutely no bad intentions, he is not a pervert, a pedophile or anything near that, nor is he manipulative at all. 
Now let me explain what has happened. As time passed we talked more and more and I enjoyed talking to him more and more, to the point where I felt in love with his affection and love, not that I am in love with him (I will explain that later). This has lead to me being very lewd and sexual with him, because well, I felt like it would make both of us feel good without being really illegal, I am the one who asked, and it would only be written sex. And actually the first two times, I was really pushy, I wanted it, so we had written sex. But the next times he told me he felt bad to be like this with somebody my age, and wanted to wait. I was very comprehensive and tald him to think about it, and he did, and in the end he prefers to wait for me to be 18. The relationship itself is going great, but I am starting to feel bad.
I feel bad for I feel like I am the one being manipulative here, I feel like an asshole, like trash, I feel terrible, what I am doing is wrong. I feel like I am taking advantage, unconsciously, of his feelings, I should've been honest since the beginning, and now the day he will want to meet in real life I will have to tell him, and break a relationship he will have built over more than 3 years, a relationship to which I became attached, I don't want to lose him, but it will happen one day. I feel bad for lying, I feel bad because I feel like i have lost all dignity and honor, I feel bad for his mental state that could get worse that day. I'm awfully disapointed in myself, I hate what I am doing. But I don't want to tell him now, I wish I could just meet him and do everything as if it were normal. I think I just wish I was a girl, because i don't want of a homosexual relationship personally.
As I said before, I don't think I love him, in the way that I don't really like his life-style, and I don't see myself living or raising a familly with him (yes I know it is not possible no matter what), I just like his kindness and touch.
So now I'm in a situation where I have a friend who I think would do the best paren ever, which in a way is very atractive to me and makes me doubt about maybe wanting a possible relationship with this person, even though I feel no sexual attraction at all, and I have a boyfriend that I have sexual desire for but I wouldn't want to live with.
Anyway I still managed to discover some of my fantasies and what attracts me sexually and emotionally.
 I think some of you might think as transgenderism as a solution but it is not my thing, I mean I don't feel like a woman in any way, I feel less masculine than most men but that's all, and I would not want in any way to change my sex. 
Thank you for reading me and my stupid problems, I hope you have a good day,
Love you all

Former Member

Hi @Nekolovestea

This is a really tricky situation to be in - it just sounds like it was a little white lie that got out of hand! I don't think you should beat yourself up about it, it's so easy for things like this to happen.

I'm glad that you are getting on well with him. In my opinion, I do think though that you should probably just be honest with him now. I think you will then be able to talk to him openly and honestly and it will be a weight lifted off your shoulders.

I hope this helps.

Former Member

Hi @Past User

I agree with @Past User completely. I would just add that you seem very self-aware so following your instincts is probably the best thing to do and it seems that maybe you are inclined to open up to him?

I think if you were to do this it may allow you to let go and stop beating yourself up about it. After all, it was a mistake, not malicious, and we all get ourselves into tricky situations at some point. 

Thank you for the update, please keep us posted as to how you're doing

Siena

You have done really well to share this - sounds not easy for you! 

It seems like you got into this situation but it wasn't with bad intentions. And I guess you can only now think about what you're going to do and move on with this. And think about how you can do that , be honest with him, stop the relationship ect. Cause it sounds like you don't want to carry on the way it is. 

it is good you have still discovered some stuff about your self and it seems like maybe you're still a bit confused about the situation but I hope you can still develop on your self discovery. - can take a lot of time to realise things and that's okay. 

Keep us updated if like and hope we can support you 

Former Member

Hi all again!

So I have thought about it, and maybe my last post was a bit overpowered by a bad day and a nervous breakdown and my writing did not include the thinking I should have put into.

I have thought about it, and I am still quite divided, on one hand I stil feel like this relationship should not exist, but on the other hand I believe ending the relationship right there might not be good, considering each other's mental state and overall well-being. I feel like the love and care we share with each other helps the both of us, and breaking that might not be the right thing, at least not now. I also feel like I could end the relationship in a softer way, like just saying that this relationship was never meant to exist since dating an underage is not really a good idea for a man in his 30s, and I'm sure that something will happen that will cause a break up before I hit 18. Also, I believe this relationship is not bad for each other, I know my last post said otherwise, but I was really just torturing myself on a bad night and wrote in haste. I know that if he feels morally wrong he will end it himself, I think I just want the both of us to enjoy the affection and care of someone else for now, but maybe I am deluding myself again.

I will consider both options more in depth and make a decision over time, thank you all for your patience and amazing comments and advices.

Former Member

Hey,
I don't think its great that mental health is a great the excuse to keep going on, imo whatever the age of relationship, since you shouldn't really be relying on someone else to feel better about yourself in that sort of way. Though I suppose you can judge and see for yourself if it is contributing positively for you and whether it is good.

And yeah someone that much older should be much more respectful about talking to someone younger, although at least he seems aware. Don't feel guilty about not correcting that you are a girl it's not like you actually lied but played along with it, perhaps because you didn't want to disappoint him.  But yeah try to find out what is best and what you really want, that is what you can do.

Yeah I am pretty sure that you aren't transgender, that is more like when you generally want to be the other sex/identify as such and often comes with dysphoria, I think you would know if you were. Imaging yourself as so, having characteristics more typical of the other sex (except nobody fits the stereotype of pure feminine or masculine), or even dressing as such for fun or sexual reasons isn't the same, it's more to do with expression or social context. 

Anyway good luck I hope you figure things out

Former Member

Hi again, 

So a lot happened since last time.
We actually had a good talk with each other, and we both agreed to break up but remain friends as we both agreed that it was better for the both of us. 

I do not plan on telling him, or at least I don't think so, I believe it would just create a tension between us, but maybe I will one day if I consider its the right thing to do.

Anyway thank you a lot for your opinions!
Sending hugs ❤️

Former Member

It's great to see you updating @Past User

I'm glad that you mutually decided to end things with no animosity. You're doing a really sensible thing looking out for your own mental health. It sounds like everything worked out for the best.  

Former Member

Hi @Past User

Sending you hugs! Definitely sounds like you made the best decision - you have to put yourself first in these situations and I'm glad you were both able to end things amicably