A weird relationship

NekolovesteaNekolovestea Posts: 43 Cool Newbie
Sooo, this story is weird I'll give you that..
So, it started a couple of months ago, when I met this guy on the internet, through a video game, we would talk a lot, but I never really said who I was, like litteraly. This man is in his 30s I believe, and since I did not specifiy my gender, he thinks I'm a girl (I'm a boy btw), however I did say my age, which is 15. I have never corrected him when he refered to me as a girl, I don't know why, maybe I enjoyed it somehow. We talked a lot about each other, but we stopped talking for about 2 months, yet, a week ago he started talking to me again. In fact he told me more about him. He has clinical depression and has started medication recently. This guy is awesomly cute, a tru sweetheart, and we have a lot of fun. The problem is... well things got a bit ,well, sexual, lately. Even at the beginning we would make lewd jokes about each other, but nothing too bad, just having fun teasing each other, and honestly it is very fun and I quite enjoy it, we are very attachted to each other. However since we started talking again, he started being a bit more extreme, like he wanted to "watch me" when I would take a shower, this kind of thing... It might still be jokes for now, maybe was he not serious, I honestly can't tell, but I don't think any adult should send such things to an underage girl. I honestly don't know what to do, I enjoy talking to him a lot, he is very sweet and I believe he is a great, but sad, person. I don't really want to say anything for now, but I just wanted to know what you guys thought about it.
“You must see with eyes unclouded by hate. See the good in that which is evil, and the evil in that which is good. Pledge yourself to neither side, but vow instead to preserve the balance that exists between the two.” 
-Hayao Miyazaki
kathleen0172

Comments

  • davcr0ckdavcr0ck OxfordshirePosts: 223 The Mix convert
    Hey @Nekolovestea

    I'm proud that would have found someone that your an relationship, it took me some time let it stink in that theirs about 15 years between you both. 

    I knie this maybe quite private to you so don't feel like you have to answer but are you transgender? (transising from female to male) if you aren't that's fine and if you are u welcome you to the lbgt community (I'm gay btw)

    What you describeing to me sounds an lot like my relationship with my 15 year old boyfriend where he was really sexual eager and me (17 year old) not so much for two reasons, legally it's wrong and I'm not ready,

    , he started being a bit more extreme, like he wanted to "watch me" when I would take a shower, this kind of thing... I
    This is what concerns me the most as, if you don't feel comfortable with it, then say NO and if he doesn't back off then you might want to consider ending the relationship between you two

    Hope this helps 
    davcr0ck 
    davcr0ck
  • ValerialettoValerialetto Posts: 48 Cool Newbie
    hello @Nekolovestea,
    Its good that you wrote here if you have doubts it's always better discuss.

                  It's nice that you enjoy talking to him, I guess there is no problem to talk to someone if you like it regardless person's age. But concerning his requests...I believe you should do as you feel. I don't know this person but in general I know that there are a lot of people who, unfortunatelly, like to manipulate. So whatever you decide to do I guess you shouldn't do it just because you're afraid to make him upset or because you feel blame. If you do not feel like sharing smth just do not do it. Of cause person can persuade you to do what he wants but the first thought is right. I mean if after request your first wish is not to do it, so that's your true wish.
                          And also , in case if you decide to share, please remember about safety issues just to keep it as secure as possible
    Hope you will make the right choice  :)
  • NekolovesteaNekolovestea Posts: 43 Cool Newbie
    Hey! Thank you for your answers!

    So to answer your question @davcr0ck , no, I am not transgender. I have always wanted to be a woman so it might just be a fantasy or something, but I do not feel like a woman.

    Yes I'm happy to talk to him and I know it is not illegal to do so, but I'm concerned about what could happen, I'm afraid he would become manipulative, and bringing up the fact that he has depression to gat what he wants like it has happened to my friend before, but I guess I will see if it ever happens. 

    I;m also scared he finds out I'm not a girl, I would feel so bad, and I wish this relationship could exist if I said I was a boy. Yesterday, in a discussion about relationships, I agreed to beomce his "girlfriend", I don't know why I did that, probably because I did not want to make him sadder, and maybe because I enjoy it, but in a fun way. .I am not in love with him, I just enjoy the affection we give each other, but it is not love. About the possible pictures I could send and all this, the problem is, I can't, even if I wanted to (but I would never send any sexual ones to anybody), because well, he thinks I'm a girl so he would find out. So I'm scared that if he ever asks me to send pictures explicitly, I can't, and it would sadden him.


    “You must see with eyes unclouded by hate. See the good in that which is evil, and the evil in that which is good. Pledge yourself to neither side, but vow instead to preserve the balance that exists between the two.” 
    -Hayao Miyazaki
    davcr0ck
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 [Inactive User] Posts: 1,456 Fanatical Poster

    This seems like a tricky situation to be in :( I understand how you'd be feeling like this.

    It's a bit hard to tell what to think of it, really. He could just be making some slightly weird jokes, or this could be a sign that this is about to become unhealthy. If I was in your position, I would probably let this slide, but also stay aware of possible manipulation and concerning behaviour. I think you'll handle it well whatever happens.

    Take care dude x

    Sending love,
    Kathleen <3
  • chubbydumplingchubbydumpling Posts: 168 The Mix convert
    Hi @Nekolovestea

    I understand your feelings of confusion. Thank you for posting about this here and highlighting an issue which I think could be a learning curve for a lot of people. I'm going to go against the general consensus here and tell you straight up: this relationship dynamic is unhealthy. This man is in his 30s and he believes he's speaking to an underage girl. He's making inappropriate sexual comments to said girl. Regardless of his mental health issues, he almost certainly knows that this is wrong yet continues to do it anyway. This man is a predator. 

    I know that it can be flattering and a big confidence boost to talk to someone who you feel a connection with. That is harmless enough. But if this is making you uncomfortable, I urge you not to continue talking to him. 
    Lucy307
  • MikeMike Posts: 1,484 Moderator
    edited May 28
    I'm going to go against the general consensus here and tell you straight up: this relationship dynamic is unhealthy. This man is in his 30s and he believes he's speaking to an underage girl. He's making inappropriate sexual comments to said girl. Regardless of his mental health issues, he almost certainly knows that this is wrong yet continues to do it anyway. This man is a predator. 

    I know that it can be flattering and a big confidence boost to talk to someone who you feel a connection with. That is harmless enough. But if this is making you uncomfortable, I urge you not to continue talking to him. 

    This.

    Legalities aside, a relationship between a minor (or anyone young) and someone double their age raises questions. The reason age gaps can cause concern for people isn't because of the gap on its own, but because of the power imbalance that gap can create within a relationship, and the way that can lend itself to abusive and manipulative behavior (which can be really hard to spot).

    As @chubbydumpling said, it's flattering and can really make you feel loved when you find a connection like that with someone, and when you're feeling vulnerable for other reasons that can be even more powerful, making it tricky to see things objectively. The reality is that someone who is more emotionally developed than you might understand that, and has the ability to appear a certain way or make you feel good as a way of getting close to you. That's not a comment on you or where you're at - everyone is susceptible to that kind of thing - but it's healthy to question someone's genuineness in these situations.

    You might not be doing anything illegal just by talking, but it's really worth considering whether this is healthy and what the motivations of this person actually are. Obviously this is something only you can answer and, as long as you're not doing anything illegal, you have the agency to make your own decisions with relationships. But it would be a disservice to you if I/we didn't point out the big red flags being shown here.

    You have the right to say no to anything and everything that makes you uncomfortable, and as @chubbydumpling said, this is someone who almost certainly knows better than to make those comments. Do you think this person is talking to you for the same reasons you're talking to them? What might you say if someone close to you told you they were in this situation? These are good things to be thinking about.

    It sounds like this is an emotionally complex issue for you @nekolovestea and it's brilliant that you're talking about it here. Hopefully we can help you figure things out. :)
    "900 years of time and space and I've never met someone who wasn't important.”

     - The 11th Doctor
    chubbydumplingKasa2103
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 4,359 Uber Poster
    Hey @Nekolovestea


    Thanks for sharing & being so open. 

    I personally think no respectful guy who is in their 30s would message a person they thought was a girl who is 15 in the ways you said he has. Just wouldn't and clearly has some motives and wrong. I hope you can see this and figure out the best way to go about it. 

    Equally I hope you explore your feelings in which you reply in not correcting in him with the fact you're not a girl. Since you seem confused about that. 

    Hope you're okay
     
  • NekolovesteaNekolovestea Posts: 43 Cool Newbie
    Hello everyone, thank you very much for all of your answers.

    I will consider ever single one of your answers, and I understand everyone's opinion. I will make my own decisions and might keep posting here about how it will go but I will definitely not do anything illegal or dangerous and try to be as lucid as I can through this relationship.

    I appreciate your time and support,  
    See you soon, have a good day <3
    “You must see with eyes unclouded by hate. See the good in that which is evil, and the evil in that which is good. Pledge yourself to neither side, but vow instead to preserve the balance that exists between the two.” 
    -Hayao Miyazaki
  • alice123alice123 Posts: 25 Cool Newbie
    edited June 1
    Hi @Nekolovestea,

    Thanks for sharing your experience.

    I would definitely agree with the previous comments about the power dynamic of this relationship. Making sexual advances to a 15 year old as a 30 year old is inappropriate, regardless of gender.

    From how insightful and open you are being, I can tell that you will make your own decision. You are clearly very understanding and empathetic with his mental health issues but don't let that prevent you from having the strength to say No if that's what you decide is best. 

    I also want to reiterate what @Shaunie said
    Equally I hope you explore your feelings in which you reply in not correcting in him with the fact you're not a girl. Since you seem confused about that. 
    Because this could be a real positive from this situation as self discovery is always good and it's great that you are thinking this through <3 
    chubbydumpling
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