Struggling with life :(
I’m kee, I’ve recently got a new job and thought it would fix everything. Of course, it fixed a lot like better pay, friendlier colleagues, no drunk customers (I worked in a pub) no unsocial hours, I get every other Friday off and my boyfriend works in the same company, so I actually get to see his face again! (I’d almost forgotten what he looked like!) but for some reason, my mind won’t let me hang on to those little victories.
Because in the last few months I’ve started becoming let’s say paranoid for lack of a better word, about my relationships with people, oh people talk about me all the time (do they actually? Idk, but probably) I have bouts of doubt about my best friend really wanting to be my best friend, luckily, she’s soon going to be a qualified mental health nurse and she understands the things I’m going through – so no judgement from her which is great.
Working at the pub was horrible, it made my depression and anxiety much worse, anger too, I’ve currently got a (probably) fractured/broken knuckle from punching the shit out of a concrete wall (made a dent too, go me!) I’ve always had anger issues (nothing diagnosed) but lately it’s been worse, it was punching a wall or person, I knew which was smarter in the long run.
I waited 17 months to be able to start this new job and it really wore me down mentally, I’m finally here and it’s great but my mental health is still bad and that sucks because I just want to be a normal happy person, that seems too difficult.
I’m on anti-depressants but it feels like my mind is laughing at me, it knows they’re working and so it’s poisoning other parts of my mind making me question reality, I’ll say something to my boyfriend then 5 minutes later say it again, I ask him if I then said it twice but apparently I didn’t even say it once? The dreams I have feel SO real I must honestly take 10 minutes to figure out what happened and what didn’t, did he cheat on me? Hurt me? Did I lose a finger from the dragon that thought it looked tasty? Nope, the last one only takes a second to realise but the others aren’t so easy.
My mind feels like an evil place to spend time in, at work It’s still too early for me to constantly be busy hence why I’m doing this and if I let myself go to my mind even just for 10 minutes I’ll come back out like a sad dying bunny.
My best friend reckons I might have BPD, this sounds about right but I’m not jumping to any conclusions, I’ve got a referral coming for me to see a psycho-therapist (my BF laughed at the fact that it has psycho in it)
Side note – I had chronic hip pain from age 14 – 22 so I’ve had to deal with a lot of shit and many other health problems along the way, I had a hip operation last January which for the most part has fixed it unless I have a period then I get immense hip pain instead of tummy pain like normal girls (nothing about me is normal)
I also sleep terribly like 3-5 hours sometimes, nightmares loads. I hate myself, pretty much everything about my body and personality too, and I've started self-harming again, in the last 6 months really. used to cut slightly at the pub job but now it's more subtle, bashing against things until I get bruises etc..
I guess, feel free to tell me I’m probably just being a drama queen and to get over it, there’s loads more but this is all I feel I can type right now.
Happy reading my sad sad mini life story