Struggling with life :(

keewee95

I’m kee, I’ve recently got a new job and thought it would fix everything. Of course, it fixed a lot like better pay, friendlier colleagues, no drunk customers (I worked in a pub) no unsocial hours, I get every other Friday off and my boyfriend works in the same company, so I actually get to see his face again! (I’d almost forgotten what he looked like!) but for some reason, my mind won’t let me hang on to those little victories.

Because in the last few months I’ve started becoming let’s say paranoid for lack of a better word, about my relationships with people, oh people talk about me all the time (do they actually? Idk, but probably) I have bouts of doubt about my best friend really wanting to be my best friend, luckily, she’s soon going to be a qualified mental health nurse and she understands the things I’m going through – so no judgement from her which is great.

Working at the pub was horrible, it made my depression and anxiety much worse, anger too, I’ve currently got a (probably) fractured/broken knuckle from punching the shit out of a concrete wall (made a dent too, go me!) I’ve always had anger issues (nothing diagnosed) but lately it’s been worse, it was punching a wall or person, I knew which was smarter in the long run.

I waited 17 months to be able to start this new job and it really wore me down mentally, I’m finally here and it’s great but my mental health is still bad and that sucks because I just want to be a normal happy person, that seems too difficult.

I’m on anti-depressants but it feels like my mind is laughing at me, it knows they’re working and so it’s poisoning other parts of my mind making me question reality, I’ll say something to my boyfriend then 5 minutes later say it again, I ask him if I then said it twice but apparently I didn’t even say it once? The dreams I have feel SO real I must honestly take 10 minutes to figure out what happened and what didn’t, did he cheat on me? Hurt me? Did I lose a finger from the dragon that thought it looked tasty? Nope, the last one only takes a second to realise but the others aren’t so easy.

My mind feels like an evil place to spend time in, at work It’s still too early for me to constantly be busy hence why I’m doing this and if I let myself go to my mind even just for 10 minutes I’ll come back out like a sad dying bunny.

My best friend reckons I might have BPD, this sounds about right but I’m not jumping to any conclusions, I’ve got a referral coming for me to see a psycho-therapist (my BF laughed at the fact that it has psycho in it)

Side note – I had chronic hip pain from age 14 – 22 so I’ve had to deal with a lot of shit and many other health problems along the way, I had a hip operation last January which for the most part has fixed it unless I have a period then I get immense hip pain instead of tummy pain like normal girls (nothing about me is normal)

I also sleep terribly like 3-5 hours sometimes, nightmares loads. I hate myself, pretty much everything about my body and personality too, and I've started self-harming again, in the last 6 months really. used to cut slightly at the pub job but now it's more subtle, bashing against things until I get bruises etc..

I guess, feel free to tell me I’m probably just being a drama queen and to get over it, there’s loads more but this is all I feel I can type right now.

Happy reading my sad sad mini life story

Kathleen07

Hey Kee

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling like this. Well done for telling us how you feel - I hope it was good to get it out.

Working at the pub was horrible, it made my depression and anxiety much worse, anger too, I’ve currently got a (probably) fractured/broken knuckle from punching the shit out of a concrete wall (made a dent too, go me!) I’ve always had anger issues (nothing diagnosed) but lately it’s been worse, it was punching a wall or person, I knew which was smarter in the long run.

I can relate to anger issues, as I had them some years back. Anger can be so hard to deal with, I know it was in my experience Massive well done for choosing to punch a wall instead - I always ended up taking it out on my family, as much as I regret it.

I'm not diagnosed as I've been too scared to see a doctor, so I only mean emotional rather than clinical, but I can also really relate to depression and anxiety.

I'm really glad you've got a new job, though I hear you on how it didn't fix everything and your mind won't let you hang on to those victories.

I waited 17 months to be able to start this new job and it really wore me down mentally, I’m finally here and it’s great but my mental health is still bad and that sucks because I just want to be a normal happy person, that seems too difficult.
-

My mind feels like an evil place to spend time in, at work It’s still too early for me to constantly be busy hence why I’m doing this and if I let myself go to my mind even just for 10 minutes I’ll come back out like a sad dying bunny.

I can also get this. For me, it feels like I can sometimes manage to lift the heavy weight just a bit, and distract myself, but when I'm not busy the weight falls back down and goes back to even more suffocating.

It's totally understandable that you just want to be a normal happy person :-( What I can offer to you is that you can be happy. You can find a way

I’m on anti-depressants but it feels like my mind is laughing at me, it knows they’re working and so it’s poisoning other parts of my mind making me question reality, I’ll say something to my boyfriend then 5 minutes later say it again, I ask him if I then said it twice but apparently I didn’t even say it once? The dreams I have feel SO real I must honestly take 10 minutes to figure out what happened and what didn’t, did he cheat on me? Hurt me? Did I lose a finger from the dragon that thought it looked tasty? Nope, the last one only takes a second to realise but the others aren’t so easy.

So, do you think the anti-depressants are causing this, then? I was also just wondering if they're helpful to you, or have you thought of stopping taking them/trying another type?

What you describe does sound like you question reality, and I can imagine I'd find it a confusing and scary experience. I was just wondering if you think you also experience dissociation? - that would be a bit like; you feel really weird, detached, not sure what's real, like various things didn't happen, etc..

I also sleep terribly like 3-5 hours sometimes, nightmares loads. I hate myself, pretty much everything about my body and personality too, and I've started self-harming again, in the last 6 months really.

Does anything help you sleep, at all? And do you know if anything is causing the nightmares, or aggravating them?

Self-hate is another thing I can relate to. I'm sad to hear you hate yourself like that :-( I bet you're awesome, and I know how horrible it can be to feel like that about yourself.

Just in case you haven't tried them, I'll list just a few things I've heard of that some people do to manage their self-harm:

• Draw a butterfly where you want to harm, choose something precious it represents, name it after a loved one. Then, when you want to harm, you won't want to hurt the butterfly.
• Use a rubber band to cause pain, but without injury.
• Draw on your skin with a pen as a form of release.
  

It's good you're going to see a psycho-therapist, by the way, and I hope that goes well. Please keep us updated, if you like.

We're here to support you, and feel free to come talk about the other things you mentioned are going on :-3

It's lovely to have you here,

Sending hugs

keewee95

Hey Kathleen, 

Thank you for that It means a lot and I've really thought about what you said.

So, do you think the anti-depressants are causing this, then? I was also just wondering if they're helpful to you, or have you thought of stopping taking them/trying another type?
I don't think they are causing it, if anything I know they've helped because I'm better then I used to be, I used to find such tiny things and blow them out of proportion, I know this because if I forget to take a tablet this is what happens! 
It just feels like my mind knows it can't get me down with the depression like before so it's finding other ways to hurt me.

What you describe does sound like you question reality, and I can imagine I'd find it a confusing and scary experience. I was just wondering if you think you also experience dissociation? - that would be a bit like; you feel really weird, detached, not sure what's real, like various things didn't happen, etc..
Honestly, I've never even thought about dissociation, also I don't really know anything about it but knowing me I'll go home and google it later! It does sound like something I could relate to how I feel, I often just feel empty/numb and the more I think about it the more it does feel detached. 

Does anything help you sleep, at all? And do you know if anything is causing the nightmares, or aggravating them?

A few things do help me sleep, fresh sheets, incense, candles, dark room, white noise - that kind of thing, and we try do it as much as we can but can't always. I know a good portion of my bad dreams just come from me having a really good imagination, so I could watch a show then weeks later have a nightmare that I can relate to it, doesn't even have to be scary. But because of this I try not to watch scary things much, don't need that kinda inspiration ha. Being next to my boyfriend helps, I'll sleep worse on my own, I feel less safe, from what I don't know  

·         Draw a butterfly where you want to harm, choose something precious it represents, name it after a loved one. Then, when you want to harm, you won't want to hurt the butterfly.

This is a really lovely idea and I'll definitely try it, I don't do it often but mainly when I'm feeling highly emotional - angry or upset it doesn't matter, my worst one is banging my forearms against my steering wheel in my car, but I bruise like a peach and I'm accident prone so no one bats an eyelid when I turn up with load of bruises. Ah I'm also a scratcher, I've got mostly long nails that I apparently like to use to scratch the shit out of myself when I'm anxious, it's a known trait of mine to scratch my face and cheeks when I'm nervous ha.

Also this is really random but I swear I keep feeling things on me, like I feel something bigger then a spider but not by loads, normally on my head, I felt it when I was driving with my bf the other day and freaked out a bit, I made him check my hair. Okay so he checks and there's nothing there, we carry on driving but it's happening like every day and when it happens I end up batting my head like a crazy person. I don't dislike spiders in fact I  love all animals so idk what is happening.

Most of all thank you for replying, I didn't think anyone would even be interested in my problems or want to reply, it does feel better to talk about it and I know if I want to express myself to someone else I can just direct them here.

Thanks  

Hope you are also okay, as fucked up as I am, I'm great at listening and giving advice so my crazy ear is here for anyone if they need it too.  

Kee xox