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I'm scared...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 57 Boards Initiate
in Sex & Relationships
Hi people, I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting this discussion, so feel free to say whatever you want, as always actually..

So there is this girl I really love, it's now been almost 2 years since we broke up and I just lover her more than before. I have been able to deal with some delusional thoughts I had about her in the past, and that's probably the only thing that has gotten better in the past year for me. to give you some background (you can also read my other posts if you want more precision), I have social anxiety, I'm very closed to people, and I currently only have one friend. My vision of sex and relationships is quite different to the teenagers at my school, at least from what I see and hear, which is not much, but enough. My friend, who is a girl, has been sexually assaulted multiple times, by teenagers and by adults, and it has reinforced my disgust for casual sex that I already had before I found out. I hate sex, I wish it didn't exist, it makes me sick every time I hear about it. I can't stand the idea of anybody having sex with the girl I love, or with anybody really. I know this girl controls my thoughts and feelings. As I'm entering high school soon, I'm getting truly scared of what will happen to me the day I will find out she had sex, it will destroy me, I know it, and I feel so helpless about it. In fact just hearing somebody say her name makes me want to cry. I'm also scared that such a view of sex will prevent me from having any sort of relationship in the future. That girl is the only one I have ever had sexual desire for, and I'm scared she will be the only one, ever. I need to grow out of this immature view of sexuality before it ends me.

Thank you just for reading this, I hope you have a great day, I love you <3
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Fruit loop Deactivated Posts: 2,762 Boards Guru
    Hey there x
    really sorry to hear you're struggling with this.

    Why did you guys break up?  (you don't have to answer anything you don't want to just getting an idea x) 

    Have you talked to her lately? 

    Sorry to hear you're struggling with social anxiety x how does that affect your daily life? 

    We all have different views of sex, I wouldn't personally engage in casual sex it's just not for me, I'm definitely more of a relationship person and that's okay,  some people prefer causal and that's okay too :)

    Is it just sex in general? Or are you really struggling with the fact that someone might get close to her?

    It sounds like you really love her,  do you know what her feelings are?  Have you talked to her about it? 

    Your view of sex won't prevent you from getting into an relationship, everyone is different and you will find someone with the same view or someone who never wants sex. 

    But if your view on it is really affecting you you can work on it xo

    Sorry I can't be of much help just wanted to let you know I'm listening and we're all here for you :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1 Just got here
    Hi there, I literally just made this account to post this, so forgive my new-ness :)

    I'm really not experienced in the relationship parts of life, but as far as sexuality goes, not having a strong sex drive or having no interest in sexual acts at all if pretty normal, one of my good friends identifies as asexual, which for her means she doesn't want to have sex at all, but she has also had healthy romantic relationships in the past in which her partners were very accepting of her lack of desire for sex. Love hurts, and it'll probably hurt for a while longer, but it will get easier. It always does :)

    If you want to look into asexuality more and see if you fit into it (I know it's scary, but just remember that sexuality is a spectrum, not a switch), then there's some really good resources on this website, just search and you should find.

    I hope it all goes well for you, friend :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 57 Boards Initiate
    edited September 18
    Hey @Past User !

    Thank you so much for answering, I appreciate it at lot.

    I don't want to get into much detail over why we broke up, if you want the "whole" story, or at least a little more precision, you can read my first post : "anxiety, a part of me now", but to breifly explain it, she has self diagnosed schizophrenia, and I have/had some of the same symptoms as her (hallucinations, paranoia, disordered thoughts, and delusion). At the end of our relationship, she believed I lied, and as I was delusional about her at that time, I believed her, and I believed I lied to her myself, but I didn't (It's a weird situation, I know). That's why she broke up with me.

    As we speak, she blocked me from all the ways i have to communicate with her by text. I'm not "allowed" to talk to her, she would just hate me more if i did. I basically have no way to communicate with her unless I directly go and talk to her, which is not possible as she would probably just walk away anyway. I'm not willing to down the little bit of respect she has for me for a chance to get her back, because I know it wouldn't work.

    Social anxiety is very hard for me to deal with, I basically have no friend expect one, I can't socialise without hating myself afterwards. I sometimes even have problems walking or breathing in public spaces. It is impossible for me to communicate with people when doing a group work, ect so it has also affected my gardes and such. I'm currently seeing a psychologist though, which helps a little bit.

    I think seeing her with somebody would make me feel sick as well, but sex is on another level, I can't stand it. I feel like nobody could love her enough and as she was bullied in the past, and as my friend got sexually abused, I have a hard time trusting people, so seeing her with somebody I don't trust makes me sick, and the idea of her having sex with anybody makes me feel sick too.

    Yeah, I really love her, I know it sounds cliché but really she is the one for me. People say that when I look at her, I'm different. as I said before, I used to be delusional about her, she is my ideal, the person I always wanted to be, she is perfect, I can't see bad in any of her actions. unfortunately, she hates me now, she doesn't want to talk to me, I can't come closer than 2 meters away from her, or else she walks away. Yet when I look at her I still have the feeling that she doesn't hate me as much as she says, things have gotten better, she has actually talked to me some times, she has smiled to me, laughed with me, looked at me. I see hope in her, and I can't let go, but I know I'm probably just desperate.

    I'm sorry for the long reply, thank you for listening to me, I hope you are doing great. <3
    Post edited by TheMix on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 57 Boards Initiate
    edited February 2019
    Hey @DiDi

    Thank you for your answer. I get your point, and maybe I'm not educated enough on sexualities. From what I saw, asexuality is not having any sexual desire with anybody; and I get that sexuality is not a switch, but a spectrum as you said, but I have sexual desire, but only for that one girl I love, so it can't really be asexuality, right ?

    I have heard about demisexuality, which is only having sexual desire for people you have a strong relationship with, so I guess that would be closer (?) But again, I'm really not an expert in that kind of thing, and I probably need more experience with sexuality in general to be able to tell.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited February 2019

    Heyyy.  Reading through this post made me really think about this video i saw on facebook a few weeks ago cause i follow him on facebook. 


    I hope it does not offend you or something. I will share though in hope it will help. Because feel like its really relateable to this so i was quite excited when i finally found the video again lol. Its only 2 mins long


    Its called unrequited love is bullshit. (Unrequited love means -love not returned). (You may think it is bullshit or something lol. But i guess on general view from him )https://www.facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey/videos/331936037399684/


    He says "when someone shows theyre not interested in you - that should be a turn off" " i cant be attracted to someone who doesnt want me back" and "thats not love thats worship, love is both ways"


    I think you deserve better and could find better


    Its interesting at the end he says "it is one of the most self distrustive traits we have when we are not feeling enough"

    Do you think its the case for you?


    I also wanted to agree to everything everyones said above. 


    Is it the first time youve fell inlove?  It does sometimes feel like we will never love someone in same way. Maybe the case but lot of times its not. 


    And also about sex - maybe you could think about all the good things about sex instead - maybe you could be happy that someone could make her happy through sex or relationship and want what is best for her if you cant have her? 


    I hope this was some what helpful & that you find a way to help situation or to heal from it

    Sorry such long reply

    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 57 Boards Initiate
    Hey @Shaunie ! (I'm sending love your way, I saw your recent posts and I hope you get better)

    I was about to write a full anylisis of the video but I thought it was going to be too long and definitly wrong as I'm almost completly inexperienced when it comes flirting and relationships, so I'm just going to give my general opinion. 

    First of all, it doesn't offend me at all, I have heard about this guy before and I like what he says, most of the time at least. To answer your question : Yes, it was the first time I fell in love, and it definitly doesn't help, but it can explain a lot I guess.

    So, I don't think I can relate a lot to this, I mean, she already loved me, so she can love me again, right ? I love her because I believe she can love me, and I can love her, I'm not attracted to her because she doesn't love me, you know ? I don't know how to say it clearly so pardon me if my thoughts are confused again, but, it's not like : I cheated, we broke up, end. I think teh situation is more complicated, like imagine I try to convince her I did not lie, she wouldn't believe me, but maybe she would, and I still have that hope, but at the same time I don't want to lose the small chancei still have with her. As for the last sentence you quoted, I believe I can relate to that a bit more. Maybe I'm still holding on to her because I am seeking affection, because I'm not feeling enough alone. But if you think about it that way, it would mean I love her because she can love me, so the whole unrequited love thing doesn't really work (?) I must say that by writing this I barely even understand what I'm writing but I'm kind of tired of rewriting this post again and again, so I'll just leave it like that.

    As for the "That's not love, that's worship" thing, yeah, it's true, but I don't know if he meant it the way I understand it. As I said, she is the person I always wanted to be, so I worship her, yeah, I think she is perfect.

    About sex, I get your point, and that's where I hate myself for being so selfish. When we were together, I tried being as less possessive as I could. To the point where I believe she thought I didn't love her that much, the truth is that I was scared of forcing her into things she didn't want to do. And not I regret it, I wish I had done more things with her. I feel selfish because I don't think anybody can love her enough. I think I'm the only one who can love her enough, and f**k it sounds selfish. Or maybe am I scared of her being happy with someone else, I don't know, I'm so lost to be honest with you, I don't know what I think, I don't know what I want...

    I just think I haven't met somebody that I would consider worthy enough to be with her, that's why I can't consider the fact that she could be happier with somebody else, I think.

    And now I realise my post is so long even though I thought I was going to make it short. *sigh* I'm sorry. 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited February 2019
    Heyy

    thank you!

    and i dont think any of that sounds selfish at all. You seem considersate and thoughtful & that you want her to be with someone who is worthy.  I suppose is just hard when cant communicate with her. Cause she doesnt know you didnt lie:(. But is good you keep the boundaries.

     Theres that cliche saying (not quite sure how it goes) something like - if is meant to be - it will find a way back some how. Dunno if you believe things like that? 

    You said you feel alone - Maybe you could spend more time and energy on people who want your company. Even family and your friend. And may distract and give more time. & they do say time is a healer too, It has hurt a lil less since the day your broke up? and guess could mean in terms of that maybe with time you could approch her? 

    Can you ever see the relationship getting back together? I suppose atm all you can is focus on your life rather than hers atm. I know it a lot harder than sounds:(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 57 Boards Initiate
    Thank you for your answer <3

    I'm not really the kind of person to believe in proverbs but I hope this one is true lol. 

    The problem is that I my friend lives in a different city as me, and I don't have much money nor much time, as I have important exams going on, so I can't really spend as much time with her as I wish, the only thing I can do is text her. 

    Yeah, I've heard that too "time heals", I guess it is true (?) I just wish it had healed more in almost 2 years, the difference is just so small there is still so many things to work on. But yeah, I hope one day I will be able to talk to her, I still need enough courage, I would be so scared of saying something wrong which would ruin all my chances with her, imagine ruining 2 years of your life in seconds. But hey, maybe it will work one day. 

    I can see the relationship getting back together, definitly. But according to my friend, she has changed a lot since we broke up, she is becoming a "popular girl", I don't believe it, she is the opposite of a popular girl, I'm certain about it. But if it is the case, I don't think she would consider getting back with me, she would be too stubborn. Time will tell, I guess.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I think 2 years is a lot of time for someone to feel different about anything. She may feel different and you could just approch her in a friendly general way and nothing intense or something. Are you at the same school or something?

    and i dont think someone being "popular" means they like different people now. 

    Hope youre feeling okay today
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 57 Boards Initiate
    Thank you, I'm feeling better now that I got some sleep.

    We're in the same class actually, so maybe I could try getting closer to her group of friends, to then get closer to her, but I'm terrible at socializing so it might take some time. If it's the way to approach her than I will definitely try it.

    What I meant with her becoming a "popular girl", and actually I should've used the term "cool girl", is that most popular teens at my school break up every 2 weeks and go from relationship to relationship like it is nothing. Nothing wrong about being popular in general of course, it's a great thing.
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