struggling a bit

Distraction

Hi,

I'm tired of always saying no, of saying to myself not today, I just want to harm and I feel bad about writing about it on here because if you want to harm, why talk about it, just do it, but I don't want to and I know I probably won't, I think about the last year and four months and if it's worth it and why I really want to do it and that helps put it off a bit longer but it just seems like every time I think about it, the time gets shorter to how long I can put it off, until I'm thinking about it several times a day and it gets really hard.

I'm scared one day soon I'll just go f*ck it. 

I feel so alone at times, like I have no connection with anyone, I don't really have a best friend, someone who I think I'm really close enough to share this with and I can't put my parents through this again.

There's a girl at work. That's kind of another story about thinking I like her as I'm a girl as well but I feel like I could get really close to her (even just friends) and I think she likes me to, but I'm not sure.

 I don't really care but I'm just trying to distance myself, which I think is smart. I don't want to think of this and that and just get hurt, just taking it slow, see what happens, but I feel so alone. 

I needed to get that out,
Thanks for reading and any comments would be so so nice 
xx

Eyepatch

Hello, 

You seem to be having a difficult time right now, stay strong. You have kept fighting for a long time, you can keep going and get through this.

Thinking about harming yourself may make you uncomfortable, but its okay to think about it as long as you register that you are having those thoughts because you feel down and you understand that they are negative, and shouldnt be acted on. You will always have yourself to support you, as well as the Mix. Try to take a bit of time relaxing each day, doing something small that makes you happy. Even if it's just playing your favourite song or reading a bit before bed. 

About this girl, seems like you like her, have you told her how much of a good friend she is? Or that you really enjoy her company, perhaps ask if she wants to hang out outside of work. If she has mentioned any activities she likes you could suggest going together as friends, then get to know eachother better and perhaps you will feel more comfortable asking her to hang out again. Take things slow if you want, there is nothing wrong with that  

How about plan something after work and ask if she wants to join you. Don't feel disappointed if she says no, you can still be good friends and ask if she wants to hang out in her free time. You could offer to walk her home or ask your parents to drop her off when they pick you up, this depends on how you get to work of course. You could also start with some small questions, hey when is your birthday, stuff like that. 

Rather than saying f**k it and harming yourself, how about say f**k it and go start a conversation with this girl  

It's good that you came and got this off your chest, I hope writing it down makes you feel better. 

Feel free to reply with any other things that are on your mind  

thom

Hi,
Basically everything Eyepatch said, I couldn't agree more with. Especially, the fact that you have thoughts of self-harm but don't act on them makes you so much stronger - self-awareness is key in situations like this. 
And yeah, if you like someone, it's always a good idea to befriend them first, since if you have intentions to be with them romantically, a strong friendship under your belt will make things click so much easier.
If anything important comes up, don't be afraid to share it with us here on the forum, we'd all be happy to help

PuffinEthics

Hi @Distraction

It sounds like your going through a rough time. 

I can only echo what the guys have replied with and say well done for staying strong and managing those thoughts of self harm. It takes strength, and you should be proud of yourself. 

You mentioned that you don't feel connected, that you feel like you could have a connection with the girl at your work, but you also say your trying to distance yourself? 

What are you trying to distance yourself from, if you don't mind me asking, perhaps I misunderstood what you wrote? 

I think you wanting these connections is a really positive thing and shows something you can work towards, its scary to reach out, I find it hard to reach out and connect with people and it takes a while to get there, but you deserve those connections, and you may have more than you think already. 

With regards to your parents, perhaps, it would be worth talking to them about it, I know my parents would rather know what was going on with me, than me protect them from anything. If you feel you can talk to them, that could be positive for you. 

How are you feeling now? 

We're all here for you at the mix, we're listening. 

Thanks,
Puffin Ethics.