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was it rape? sexual harassment?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I went to a party last night and I don't know what to do about what happened. I got really drunk and this guy who I didn't know was there and we somehow ended up making out in a cupboard. I left and was drinking and then he found me and took me upstairs and I ended up giving him a bj. I didn't want to anymore so I left and went back to my friends dancing and drinking and then everything becomes a blur and I end up in the woods alone with this guy and I guess we were making out I can't really remember but then he was taking my belt off and my trousers and I'm a Virginia so I said 'no' 'wait' 'please' he didn't have a condom on either he said he would buy me the morning after pill but I said no again but he did it anyway. I didn't fight him off, I wasn't even aware of what I was doing I was barely conscious. My friends came looking for me so he left and my trousers and underwear were off and my top was above my boobs. I could barely stand and I don't know how I made it back to the party but I did. I woke up this morning and it hurts. I don't know who his guy is and I don't know what to do, I'm stared and feel like crying all the time. Please help. What what's this? What do I do?

Comments

  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 7,358 Master Poster
    Hi there,

    Welcome to the boards, I think you've been so brave for posting your experience here so huge well done to you for that.

    It does sound like you were raped, yes. First of all you were drunk (you can't really consent when you're drunk). Second, you said no. That's not consent. That is rape.

    Apart from this post, have you told anyone about what happened to you last night? Do your friends know? Your parents, or anyone else you trust? If you haven't told someone you trust, it might be an idea to do that if you feel able to.

    I know it might be difficult to do this, but reporting it is a really good idea and also so that you can get any medical help you might need.

    I hope you're ok, we're always here if you ever need to talk.
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • starfish_17starfish_17 The Mix convert Posts: 219 Trailblazer
    Hey welcome to the boards!!

    I second what @independent_ has said above. It doesn’t sound right and you definetly didn’t consent to it. I think it is a good idea to let someone know if you can.

    Feel free to pm me at anytime you want to talk and I’ll try and help you. The chats here are also good to get support and advice if you need it.

    Well done for coming here and posting.

    Esme x
  • DreaDrea The Mix Posts: 292 Budding Regular
    Hey zxcvbnm,

    This was definitely not consensually sex so this would be considered rape. You are so brave to post what happened on here and you should be very proud of yourself. We are all here for you to lead you to the right help and advice. Providing you are comfortable with this of course, it would be a really good idea to report this to the police as they can help you more than anyone to try to find the person who did this to you. If you have anyone who you trust or are really close with and would feel comfortable telling, this can also be a good step to take. It's good to have support during times like these, and we of course are here to support you just as much. It would also be beneficial to visit a doctor especially since you're hurting and they can give you the expert help and advice that you need! Hope today is a better day and look forward to hearing from you soon! Stay strong!

    Drea:heart:
  • AzzimanAzziman The Mix convert Posts: 1,124 Wise Owl
    zxcvbnm wrote: »
    I went to a party last night and I don't know what to do about what happened. I got really drunk and this guy who I didn't know was there and we somehow ended up making out in a cupboard. I left and was drinking and then he found me and took me upstairs and I ended up giving him a bj. I didn't want to anymore so I left and went back to my friends dancing and drinking and then everything becomes a blur and I end up in the woods alone with this guy and I guess we were making out I can't really remember but then he was taking my belt off and my trousers and I'm a Virginia so I said 'no' 'wait' 'please' he didn't have a condom on either he said he would buy me the morning after pill but I said no again but he did it anyway. I didn't fight him off, I wasn't even aware of what I was doing I was barely conscious. My friends came looking for me so he left and my trousers and underwear were off and my top was above my boobs. I could barely stand and I don't know how I made it back to the party but I did. I woke up this morning and it hurts. I don't know who his guy is and I don't know what to do, I'm stared and feel like crying all the time. Please help. What what's this? What do I do?

    Hi there,

    I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. What happened was not your fault - you clearly did not give consent, and so he sexually assaulted you. Being drunk does not make you liable for what happened, and you've been so brave for speaking out about this.

    Go to the police. Tell them what happened that night, who did this to you, the location. They may ask you for the clothes you wore that night to search for forensic evidence.

    Also go to the GP, and get checked for any pregnancy or STIs. You need to make sure that you look after your health as well as seeking justice against this criminal.

    Much love <3
  • tashtastictashtastic Posts: 30 Boards Initiate
    Hey zxcvbnm,

    First of all, just want to say that it's great that you've decided to share what's happened to you, as this can really help you understand how you are feeling and what you would like to do next.

    From what you've described it does sound like rape. You definitely did not give consent - and fact that you were drinking at the time does not change what happened at all.

    If you feel that you are ready to talk to someone about what has happened, I think the best place to go to is a sexual assault referral centre (SARC). A SARC can give you a forensic medical examination and also test for STIs and pregnancy. If you would like, they can store the results of the forensics until you decide whether you want to report it to the police or not. They will also be able to offer some advice and support to help you get through this. The survivors trust has lots of information on local support centres: http://thesurvivorstrust.org/find-support/

    Another option is to look into counselling services, if you want a safe space to talk about how you are feeling. You can access counselling through your GP or sometimes a SARC, or depending on where you live, a self-referral service. I have used a self-referral counselling service in the past and they are especially good if you do not feel comfortable talking to someone like your GP about your situation.

    You can also use the online chat, email or helpline services from the mix themselves - 0808 808 4994

    The main thing to be aware of is that none of this is your fault and that you can do whatever you feel ready to do.
    You can always talk on here or pm if you want a chat :)

    Tash

  • MochanMochan Posts: 65 The answer to life, the universe, and everything
    zxcvbnm wrote: »
    I went to a party last night and I don't know what to do about what happened. I got really drunk and this guy who I didn't know was there and we somehow ended up making out in a cupboard. I left and was drinking and then he found me and took me upstairs and I ended up giving him a bj. I didn't want to anymore so I left and went back to my friends dancing and drinking and then everything becomes a blur and I end up in the woods alone with this guy and I guess we were making out I can't really remember but then he was taking my belt off and my trousers and I'm a Virginia so I said 'no' 'wait' 'please' he didn't have a condom on either he said he would buy me the morning after pill but I said no again but he did it anyway. I didn't fight him off, I wasn't even aware of what I was doing I was barely conscious. My friends came looking for me so he left and my trousers and underwear were off and my top was above my boobs. I could barely stand and I don't know how I made it back to the party but I did. I woke up this morning and it hurts. I don't know who his guy is and I don't know what to do, I'm stared and feel like crying all the time. Please help. What what's this? What do I do?


    Hi @zxcvbnm. I'm really sorry to hear about your experience. It's quite common to be unsure. The Mix have an article about it which might help. http://www.themix.org.uk/crime-and-safety/victims-of-crime/was-it-rape-9143.html

    It might help to find a friend to confide in who can help you make sense of what happened and help you seek help or report the rape, if you feel able to. If you don't feel able to talk to anyone in person, Rape Crisis offers support and advice: http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/ They also have a number: 0808 802 99 99.

    You have taken a brave step to share your story on this board and we're here to support you.
  • peachysoopeachysoo Posts: 151 Boards Initiate
    Hey @zxcvbnm,

    I'm so sorry that you've had this experience. As everyone else has said, it does sound like rape, as you did not consent, nor were in the right state of mind to. It must have been so tough to have spoken up about this, so well done :)

    ​As @tashtastic has said, it's quite easy to be unsure and what would be helpful is to visit a SARC. That said, please don't pressure yourself into reporting the situation to the police or SARC if you personally don't feel ready. It's absolutely okay to wait; you're in charge of the situation here.

    If you report it, you can ask to speak to a member of a team who is of the same sex as you, and specialist teams in the police (who are trained to deal with rape and sexual assault) or SARC staff will arrange for you to be medically examined, and treat you if you have any injuries, as well as give you support and advice. They will also explain what will happen following the report. You will be taken seriously and asked questions, such as who, what, where, why... even if you can't remember, you will still be taken seriously.

    Similarly, it could help to talk to people you trust (e.g. close friends or family) about how you feel, or, as @Mochan said, help you seek professional help or report the situation. Again though, you are in complete control and it is absolutely fine to wait until you feel ready. I second what Mochan has said about Rape Crisis, and what everyone else on this thread has said: we are here to support you, and we are so proud of you for opening up about this.

    I wish you safety and all the happiness in the world:heart:
    -peachysoo
  • LaineLaine Fruit loop Gone for gooPosts: 2,767 Account Deactivated
    Hiya :)

    Defo right off the bat I can say this does sound like rape to me, the sexual offences act 2003 considers it an offence if there was no consent present(i.e if you didn't verbally say yes or are under the legal age of consent)

    I am very sorry to hear you went through this and let me tell you that we are all here to support you along the way :heart:

    There is an article on the mix which might be helpful, it might be hard to read or you may feel you're not ready to so just go at your pace x
    http://www.themix.org.uk/crime-and-safety/victims-of-crime/was-it-rape-9143.html

    If you feel able to it might be worthwhile going to a SARC clinic as Tash suggested, if you don't feel ready to or don't have one near your area you can still report it at your local police station and get tested at a GUM clinic or at your local GP if you are concerned.

    It might be worth speaking to Rape crisis at: ‪0808 802 99 99‬

    Or calling Samaritans at: 116 123

    You might wish to reach out to someone you trust, that could be a friend, family member, trusted adult ect.

    If you feel ready to you can also go to your GP and seek out some counselling as that might help.

    There are many approaches you can take and you should only consider what you feel comfortable to do and when you feel comfortable to do it. We're all here to help or support you in any way you need :heart:

    Wishing you well and happy galloping! :rainbow2:

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈

    "This is my family. I found it, all on my own.
    It's little, and Broken, but still good. Yeah. Still good." ~ Stitch

    "Lately, I've been struggling with all the simple things in my life" ~ Cian Ducrot

    "I don't know if it's because my heart hurts or I'm insecure" ~ Juice Wrld
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