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I don't feel a thing
Siena
Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
I dont feel sad or happy. Just numb. I use to cry all the time and i would feel the overwhelming sadness in my chest that i would just end up crying for ages. Now i think the same but i don't cry. I feel so numb and use to it.
I watch sad things to try and feel something or self harm but i feel nothing. I watch people jumping of bridges and just want to do the same. They look free from anything as soon as they jump. But I physically cant do that right now. I feel like i need to do that to be free and to free people from the pain i give them. My suicidal thoughts aren't distressing anymore, it feels like more of a thing that needs to be done.
I watch sad things to try and feel something or self harm but i feel nothing. I watch people jumping of bridges and just want to do the same. They look free from anything as soon as they jump. But I physically cant do that right now. I feel like i need to do that to be free and to free people from the pain i give them. My suicidal thoughts aren't distressing anymore, it feels like more of a thing that needs to be done.
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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Comments
Reading this, I can feel the weight of your words and tell how much this void of feeling is affecting you.
It's interesting you mention watching something sad to try and feel something. This was something I did a lot when I was getting over my last break-up (I was 'numb' to that for a while, probably in a slightly different way). Trying to trigger emotions like this is a good way to get yourself to release some build-up if you need to. I realise you said it's not working for you, but thought I'd drop this in anyway.
When would you say was the last time you felt something you would consider to be deep and meaningful? Whether that's happy, sad, love, whatever it may be. Even if it's just a little thing like smiling at something someone said to you.
*hug*
Also, just a quick note - what you posted is okay, but it's good to be mindful of the language we use to talk about these sorts of things. The 'free' feeling you mentioned is a really powerful one and do elaborate on it if you'd like to, but it would be good to stray away from talk about bridges and anything too in-depth about suicidal thoughts (just in the interests of keeping things community-friendly).