Abuse?

Former Member

Hi
Ive been in an relationship with this guy for 6 months and he's really evil. He even admits hes evil. He tells me he doesnt really like me anymore. Thats he fed of me. That im lucky to have him but not other way round. Ive told him its really mean and he said "its all a joke ofcourse I like you and lucky to have you". Then other times he's pushed my head against the door and hurt me, slapped me all in play fighting messing around. He tries to bruise me because it satisfys him. He has said he'll rape me in my sleep and said it was a joke. This was because I wouldnt have anal sex. Then kept humping me til I gave in and went in a mood when I wouldn't give in. He doesnt help round the house. I have to ask him and that's if he's willing to. He is secretive of his phone and suddenly going out with his mates alot more without me now. He makes out everythings ok he's not cheating me. He said he wouldn't be here if he wanted to be with someone else and wouldnt jeopardise our relationship.

I went mad because one night he didn't answer his phone for 2 hours and I wanted to go bed but he had lost his key so I had to stay up waiting for him but part of me thought he was out with another woman because he has texted his ex a few times. Apparently just randomly and that its nothing but I found flirty messages such as about her nice toned ars!

I want to end it but always makes out im crazy and that everythings ok its all in my head so I end up not ending it

Former Member

Why do you want this sadistic, violent man? Everything you've said about him is negative. Is there anything about him that you like?

The things you've described are common methods that people who abuse their partners use: threats, violence and blaming the victim.

It's not crazy to not want to be victimised. You're not lucky to be victimised.

Many abusers claim it's a joke when they've victimised someone, in order to falsely minimise it and make the victim wrongly believe that (s)he is over-reacting.

For how long has he been victimising you?

Former Member

He's been like since a few weeks after getting together. He used to message me all day long about not talking enough or making him feel loved and would not care that he doesn't make me feel loved. But then he started to get better then does all this new stuff I mentioned in the first post

Former Member

He sounds very selfish and unpleasant. Why do you want him in your life?

Former Member

I don't want him in my life anymore. He makes me unhappy. I just don't know how to go about it. I'm feeling a bit depressed about it because I should of ended it by now

Former Member

Hey Charlotte,
This doesn't sound too good and you're clearly hurt by it. You are DEFINITELY not crazy and everything you have described does ring some alarm bells. Domestic abuse is illegal and is not okay. Domestic abuse isn't always physical but can also be emotional and from what you've written it does seem like you're feeling uncomfortable which isn't fair on you. You deserve to be happy, and well done for reaching out to us here because it can be hard to write about so you should be very proud of yourself! We will be here to help you and guide you. Here are some links you could go to and some places you could e-mail/call to help you with the situation in a more professional way! Hope you're having a better day

Drea

Links:
https://survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/ - This is for women over 18, so if you're younger you can check the other link.
http://www.supportline.org.uk/

Former Member

Thank you Drea. Im glad you dont think im crazy. I will have a look at those links. Any advice from anyone on how I go about ending it would be helpful and appreciated

Former Member

No problem Charlotte! Don't hesitate to contact us again if you need any help!
Drea

Former Member

Charlotte, do you live with him?

Former Member

Yes I live with him. It is my flat he moved into

Former Member

I'd advise that you have someone else, whom you trust, in the room with you when you throw him out. If you tell him it's over when you're alone, he'll likely become violent.

How much stuff of his is at your place? Can he take it all in one go?

Former Member

He could take it all in one go as there isn't any big items. Just two suitcases but may ask to come back for the other. I could ask a friend to be there while he goes so I know I'm not gonna be scared

Former Member

If he can't take both cases in one go, I assume that he doesn't have a car. If he's not going to take everything in one go, you need someone there when he comes back for the rest. Get his copy of the key to your flat, so that he can't come back to vandalise it.

Former Member

I got my key off him and he took his stuff. He tried to tell me that I gave up over a little thing so I told him some things he did and he said it was play fighting get over it and atleast his exs talked to him about it. But I said why I should talk to you about these things when all you did is call me a wimp and just say yes im evil so what? Or tell me I'm bugging you. And then go to sleep...he then just said that the conversation was pointless and I told him to get lost for good. He also said he thinks his behaviour was ok because it was playfighting and his exs never said much about it. But they always kicked him out aswell and talked to him about that stuff too? Tells me im twisting my words but its him who does. I can't believe he doesn't take his actions and words seriously. Really annoyed me. And all while this was going on he was texting his ex! I always knew he was while together and I saw it for myself.

Now I just wonder what he has been saying about me to her. Or to anyone. Making out that I'm crazy probably as he did say that he told his friend and his friend called me crazy. I just feel like telling everyone what he's really like but I know they'll just stick up for him. I have told my family and friends and they said I was right to get rid as he sounds absolutely horrific. Just sticks in my head that his friends think im crazy but I wonder if it's just something he put in my head.

Former Member

You're not crazy; he's just tricking you into feeling that way so that he can make it seem like it's your fault. He's blaming you for not accepting his violence by falsely claiming that it was play-fighting.

Why does it matter to you what his friends think of you? They're not in your life, so they don't affect you.

Has he taken all of his stuff?

Former Member

That's what I thought and I suppose I shouldn't worry about what his friend think. Yes he took all of his belongings so now there's no need to contact me and vice versa. I have been keeping myself busy and finding new hobbies to take my mind off it

Former Member

Keep his number in your phone so that if he calls or texts you, you'll know it's him so you don't answer it. If he repeatedly calls or texts you, ask the phone company to block his number.

Former Member

I will do that
Thanks

Former Member

Hey Charlotte,
Very proud that you've gone through with all this! You're taking the right steps and you're definitely not crazy! You just stopped allowing someone to make you feel bad about yourself and you deserve to be happy so well done! It's good that your family are sticking by you and as long as you're happier and feel you're making the right choice that's all that matters!

Have a great day and speak soon!
Drea