You may be asked to reset your password when you try to login. This is part of a system update and is genuine, so it's safe to go ahead and do that. If you no longer have access to the email address you used to register, please email us at [email protected] rather than creating a new account. Apologies for the inconvenience.

Getting back together with ex-girlfriend who needed time to "find herself"

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi guys, I'll keep this as short as possible but it has quite a few details so do try and read it all. :)

2 weeks ago, on the 20th December, my (ex)girlfriend (22) of 16 months broke up with me (23, male). I received the dreaded "I think we need to talk" message from her when she got home from work the night before. I knew instantly what she was going to say because she had hinted that she couldn't continue in a relationship almost two weeks prior to this. Sure enough, she stated that she needed to stop seeing me because she needed to "find herself".

But there's a lot of back story here. Firstly, our relationship was as great as either of us could have hoped. We rarely argued (when we did it was only a little thing that we soon laughed off). We live approximately an hour away from each other, which was nice in many ways because it meant we saw each other at reasonably spaced intervals, but I would happily do the distance for her since I drive and she doesn't. We spoke in some form almost every day: if we were apart it was over Facebook, otherwise in person. We loved each other's company, and we both love each other. We still do.

We graduated from the same university: I graduated in July 2015 (I asked her out on our first date the night before) and she graduated a year later. In September this year she began her postgraduate PGCE, which is a teacher training course. She was attending Chester University, but for the course she had to complete 2 placements at schools of differing stature. Her first placement, which ran from October to mid-December, was in her hometown. However, it went very badly for her. In fact, it crushed her as a person. Her mentor at the school purposefully took a disliking to my ex, giving her exclusively negative feedback on her lessons even though the other teachers at the school were consistently appraising her teaching methods. Also, many of the other teachers (on my ex's first day there no less) put her down by telling her not to bother with teaching because it's not everything it's chalked up to be. As a result of all this, my ex's grade at the school didn't extend to Beginning (which is the lowest grade) because none of the feedback she was getting from her mentor was good. I told her countless times that the next placement she would be put in couldn't be worse than the one she was in at that time, and that it would most likely improve drastically. Essentially, this mentor at the school killed off her hopes of becoming a teacher all by herself.

As I say, this affected her more and more between October and mid-December. She started off slightly disillusioned, then became increasingly annoyed about the whole thing until she finally broke down to me over it in early December. This is the night I noticed she had become not herself. She was reserved, lost, defeated, and hinted that she didn't know what she wanted anymore. That I didn't deserve this from her. Worried that she was thinking of breaking up with me for the stress, I interjected and asked her if she still loved me and wanted to be with me, to which she said of course she did. I told her I would go up to see her a few days later, and I did. This picked her up, and after I'd left she sent me a text thanking me for helping her out of her bad mood and that she loved me dearly, etc. But she went back to her placement the following week and she just experienced more of the same, and she slowly descended into unhappiness once again. I saw her once more before she messaged me on the 19th December, and we had a good time together, but I could tell that she was a defeated person. Her parents also give her a hard time at home, charging her monthly to live there and fuel the car even on her student budget, and they don't buy her anywhere near enough food for her to cook herself decent meals.

Then came the night of the 19th. She told me we needed to talk. "I've got too much going on in my life at the moment. I don't have the strength for a relationship, I need to be on my own," she told me. "It's nothing you have done, my head is all over the place and I need time to sort it out. I can't carry on like this anymore. I love you but I can't be in a relationship, I need to find myself again. I'm just not myself anymore." Obviously I got emotional about this and suggested that it would be better if I were there to help her get through her difficult time. I asked her if it was her placement exclusively that had made her feel this way, to which she said it was "everything." She told me that she had decided to quit her PGCE course (which at this point I assume she has done, but more on that in a second) and that she was going to get herself a job until she works out what she wants to do. She then told me she just couldn't give me 100% at the moment and that she didn't want to just be with me for the sake of it. She told me that she'd been considering finishing with me for about a month because everything had just become unbearable for her. I asked why she hadn't finished with me a couple of weeks before when I pressed her on the matter and she said it's because "I love you and have feelings for you".

I believe that she still loves me. She is an honest and principled lady and would have just told me if she didn't love me anymore. She said she is emotionally and mentally burnt out and I could see it. It's the only reason she broke up with me. Others have suggested this is a way of girls letting the breakup down easily, of covering up the fact that they're just not interested anymore, or that they just want to be single again. I don't believe that to be the case here. My ex loves me still, but the attachment (though we didn't smother each other) was too much to cope with in addition to all her other troubles. I also asked if there was another person she was seeing and she gave this an honest "no, there isn't." We've been ferociously loyal to one another for 16 months and I am not worried about there being some other guy.

Anyway, she agreed to come down on the train and see me the next day (20th) and bring the stuff that I had left at her house in the past. There was little else for us to say to each other, but we confided in one another for an hour or so, in tears. I hugged her, and at first she didn't really reciprocate, leaning in but not putting her arms around me. But I told her that I love her, and she broke down and couldn't help herself. I said that I would give her the space she needs, that her future and well-being was most important, and tried my absolute best to hold myself together and not be clingy. I saw her to the train platform and whispered in her ear, asking her to "come back to me, when you're ready." She got on the train a few minutes early. She didn't look at me me until the train began to move out, when she turned to look me in the eye. I could see from her face that she was so upset at that moment. I stood and watched the train leave the station, and then went home. Honestly, that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Since that day, I have not been contacting her at all, really. This was hard to do over Christmas, but I sent her a text on the afternoon of New Year's Day which said "Happy New Year :) I hope you're doing OK :) X", to which she replied "Thank you, you too :)". This is the only time I have broken contact with her. I regret sending it, but she replied to me straight away. I'm not surprised she didn't send me a kiss; she is probably setting a boundary and telling me it is still too early to talk. I'm now going to continue to give her the space she needs for another 2 weeks or so. I cannot stop thinking about her though. I am constantly checking her posts (which I have blocked from my timeline) and she made New Year's resolutions with her friends: some of them were the usual "learn a new language" etc. but she also states that she wants to get qualified to teach English abroad and leave the UK. This is a horrible thing to read, but I'm obviously overthinking it. In this period of finding herself she has naturally got new ambitions, but I don't know how realistic these are or how much I should read into them. I have work experience related to my career coming up next week which should keep me occupied, but at the moment all I can think about is her.

So I have a few questions for you. What do you think I should do? I am trying to move on, but I want to rekindle our relationship further down the line when she has had her space. She still loves me, I know it, and I'm sure she must miss me like I miss her. I plan to try and re-initiate contact with her toward the end of January and slowly try and get her to meet up. As I said, I want to give her time to sort herself out and whatnot and I am doing that.

What do you guys think will come of this? Do you think there is a chance we will work this out? Am I making the right moves? I hope she contacts me before I message her. I know she has to be the one to want to work things out. It needs to be organic. I don't want to just be her friend (even though in the heat of the moment on the 19th I did emotionally ask her if we would still be friends and keep in touch) but I don't want to come across as needy to her. We didn't formally agree to not contact one another, but I think at the moment we both understand that things are too tender to speak at the moment. I think she appreciates me giving her time to recover. I think she is keeping quiet because she wants to save the love we have for each other. Am I wrong?

Sorry for the long post, and thanks to anyone who takes the time to read. :) Get in touch!
«1

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Perhaps she likes to spend a significant proportion of her time alone, or with her friends. It sounds like she finds being in a relationship to be too restrictive for her. Have you asked her if she'd consider a part-time or open relationship?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Robert wrote: »
    Perhaps she likes to spend a significant proportion of her time alone, or with her friends. It sounds like she finds being in a relationship to be too restrictive for her. Have you asked her if she'd consider a part-time or open relationship?


    Perhaps she does, but like I said our relationship wasn't overtly 'restrictive' because we lived an hour apart and didn't smother each other. She's not typically a person who likes to spend time alone. I think she is just trying to work out where she stands in the world at the moment, and it's stressful for her. I'm not a big believer in part-time/open relationships to be honest.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How much time did you spend together - just the two of you - in person during an average week? How much time did you spend on the phone, webcam etc. with her?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Robert wrote: »
    How much time did you spend together - just the two of you - in person during an average week? How much time did you spend on the phone, webcam etc. with her?


    We would see each other at least once a week. Usually twice. We messaged each other in between most of the time, though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Did you initiate most of the meetings, phone calls, texting etc.?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No I'd say it was 50/50. Even up until the end, she was always eager to see me/hear from me. Never did I feel like I was carrying the relationship myself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Pottig,

    It sounds like you're going through a really tough time at the moment. Reading that I really respect you, you obviously really care about her and overall just want the very best for her.

    At the moment I think you are going about this the best way possible. You said she needs time to find herself and that's exactly what you're giving her. You said she broke up with you in December so I think the end of January should be the earliest you try to contact her unless she contacts you beforehand.

    Blocking her posts was a good move, its always harder to try and get over something/someone when you are constantly seeing their posts over social media. If you have her on any other forms of social media I would do exactly the same and block them just for your own sake.

    Reading your post it sounds like you had a very good relationship and were both honest throughout. It sounds like she had her heart set on being a teacher and the sad reality is that she didn't enjoy the course she needed to do to become a teacher. This must of been really heartbreaking for her and maybe she took this out on yourself as well?

    Personally I wouldn't read too hard into the post about her new years resolution. Maybe she has looked in to teaching abroad but a course is still needed to be completed to do this and takes a few months (I have done this course myself). And of course as I'm sure you know yourself not everything we do and think is posted on the likes of Facebook, I would really try to not let this bother you.

    You said you have got a work placement coming up which will help take your mind of things, this is great and I really hope you enjoy it:). Filling up your time will really help at the moment, have you been seeing friends/family, doing activities you enjoy?

    Speak soon, LC_:wave:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's bizarre that she's chosen to end the relationship and break almost all contact with someone whom she loves. That doesn't make sense. Pottig, did you ask her to clarify why she no longer wants you in her life?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    LC_ wrote: »
    Hi Pottig,

    It sounds like you're going through a really tough time at the moment. Reading that I really respect you, you obviously really care about her and overall just want the very best for her.

    At the moment I think you are going about this the best way possible. You said she needs time to find herself and that's exactly what you're giving her. You said she broke up with you in December so I think the end of January should be the earliest you try to contact her unless she contacts you beforehand.

    Blocking her posts was a good move, its always harder to try and get over something/someone when you are constantly seeing their posts over social media. If you have her on any other forms of social media I would do exactly the same and block them just for your own sake.

    Reading your post it sounds like you had a very good relationship and were both honest throughout. It sounds like she had her heart set on being a teacher and the sad reality is that she didn't enjoy the course she needed to do to become a teacher. This must of been really heartbreaking for her and maybe she took this out on yourself as well?

    Personally I wouldn't read too hard into the post about her new years resolution. Maybe she has looked in to teaching abroad but a course is still needed to be completed to do this and takes a few months (I have done this course myself). And of course as I'm sure you know yourself not everything we do and think is posted on the likes of Facebook, I would really try to not let this bother you.

    You said you have got a work placement coming up which will help take your mind of things, this is great and I really hope you enjoy it:). Filling up your time will really help at the moment, have you been seeing friends/family, doing activities you enjoy?

    Speak soon, LC_:wave:

    It's very tough at the moment, and I love this girl so I do care about her a lot :(

    I hope she messages me before the end of January but I don't know anymore. She had Christmas and New Year to keep her occupied with her friends and family, but now this has gone I hope she will go back to normality and come back to me.

    I have blocked her posts but I still can't stop myself checking her Facebook to see if she has posted anything. I'm even looking to see if she's online on Facebook chat :(

    She was absolutely crushed by her placement. It was horrible for me to watch her go from being excited about her future as a teacher to being defeated within only a few months. It was heartbreaking for both of us and I'd say it was in itself about 80% of the reason that she felt she had to end it with me.

    It's nice to hear from someone who has done TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) :) I realise that everyone makes outlandish new year's resolutions. I'm trying not to let any of this bother me but it's really hard at such a tender moment.

    My friend honestly believes that my ex and I won't see each other again, which kills me to hear. Another friend hopes that we can sort this out but says I should be prepared for the worst when we finally come to speak to each other again. But there is so much love left between my ex and I that I struggle to see us at least not getting together again. I have been trying to spend as much time reading to myself and spending time with my friends as possible, but my ex is always on my mind.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Looking at her posts on social media, how does she seem? Has she mentioned you in any of her posts? Is she spending more time with friends, family etc. - or more time on her own?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Robert wrote: »
    It's bizarre that she's chosen to end the relationship and break almost all contact with someone whom she loves. That doesn't make sense. Pottig, did you ask her to clarify why she no longer wants you in her life?


    I asked her if there was someone else. She insisted that there wasn't and you'll have to believe me when I say there isn't. She was in a very bad place 2 weeks ago and another guy is the least of my worries.

    Many people have thrown their psychology textbooks at me and said she is letting me down easily, or was running away from a past relationship into one that didn't seem to be what she initially thought it would be. I don't agree with this though. It's true that we got together a few months after her previous relationship ended, but she took a long time to reveal that she truly loved me. She made a point to make absolutely sure that this relationship was exactly what she wanted. She made a point to make sure that I was someone she had fallen in love with. She did that months and months ago, after months of me wondering when she was going to open up to me. When she finally did it was a fantastic feeling.

    She said it is nothing that I have done wrong. It is all about her. She was just a defeated person, unable to love me in the way she felt I deserve because of all the stress that she was under. I confess, I could see her becoming less and less the person I knew and loved for a month before we split up. If she had carried on seeing me she would have grown distant and cold, and this would have caused a more hurtful breakup. I believe she ended it now to save the love that we have for each other. Possibly in the hope that we could reconcile in the future. Possibly because she just didn't want to leave me under bad circumstances.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Robert wrote: »
    Looking at her posts on social media, how does she seem? Has she mentioned you in any of her posts? Is she spending more time with friends, family etc. - or more time on her own?


    All she has posted on social media since the 20th December is a few photos and a video from a night out on New Year's Eve with her friends. The usual stuff really. She looks to be doing OK. She has made the new year's resolutions that I speak of above She was also tagged in a photo of her and her friend (female) climbing a hill near to her home. She was wearing a beanie hat that I bought for when we climbed a mountain in March. I ended up giving her the hat because her ears were cold :( But other than that she has posted nothing.

    I understand she is back home now and back at her part-time job. Back to normality.

    EDIT: No, she hasn't mentioned me in any of her posts. Though I didn't expect her to.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would have thought that her unhappiness during last year in regard to aspects of her life unconnected to you would have made you more important to her and that she'd seek emotional support from you - so I'm still finding this strange.

    Did you not expect her to mention you because she doesn't put relationship stuff on social media? Or is it because you think she's moved on and that the end of the relationship doesn't leave her with the hole in her life that it leaves you with?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Robert wrote: »
    I would have thought that her unhappiness during last year in regard to aspects of her life unconnected to you would have made you more important to her and that she'd seek emotional support from you - so I'm still finding this strange.

    Did you not expect her to mention you because she doesn't put relationship stuff on social media? Or is it because you think she's moved on and that the end of the relationship doesn't leave her with the hole in her life that it leaves you with?


    I told her that I love her because I want to help her through her hard times. She said that the only person who could sort her head out was herself. I don't know, but at the time I saw this as a signal of depression. Is that too drastic? I wanted to be the most important aspect of her life at that moment, but she said that she didn't think I deserved someone who couldn't give them 100%. I had given her a lot of emotional support for the couple of months leading up to that moment. Perhaps she felt like she was doing me a disservice, asking too much of me and the relationship.

    We rarely posted anything about our relationship on social media. We posted a few photos here and there but we never changed our relationship statuses or milked it. We just aren't that kind of couple. I don't think she's moved on. She loves me, I love her. She isn't that close with her friends back home anymore either because they have all gone to university etc. As a result, I find it hard to believe that there isn't a hole shaped like me in her life right now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Has she removed anyone else from her life recently?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Robert wrote: »
    Has she removed anyone else from her life recently?


    Not that I know of. As I said, she has slowly fallen out of touch with her friends at home. Apart from that, there isn't really anyone else she would have removed from her life.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    OK so I have something of an update. I know I'm not supposed to take anything she puts on social media too seriously, but this has caught my attention.

    Yesterday, I added a sentimental song lyric to my Snapchat story. It was just a screenshot of the song playing and the lyric written over it. Anyway, I woke up this morning to see that she has now added a quote by an author to her Snapchat story. It goes:
    It is a risk to love.
    What if it doesn't work out?
    Ah, but what if it does.

    - Peter McWilliams




    She does stuff like this on Facebook now and again, but relatively rarely. But she has never done it on Snapchat before, and it's funny that she has added it when she must have seen mine. What do you make of it? Clearly it is referencing me and what we are going through at the moment, and she hasn't put it anywhere else so she knows I will see it. It sounds optimistic, like she is thinking about me and perhaps thinking about our relationship working out again. But I suppose it could also be lamenting, as if she is acknowledging that things happen for a reason, good or bad. She is a very philosophical person, which is one of the things I love most about her. She has always believed in fate and things turning out how they are supposed to in the end. I know I shouldn't, but I found this quote sort of heartwarming coming from her at this time.

    Is this a subtle, shy way of reaching out to me? Is she trying to get a response from me? I have thought about adding one of my own to my Snapchat story that aligns with what hers says. Do you think that is a good idea? It's not exactly contacting her, but it is acknowledging that I still care about her in an (un)subtle way. I looked up the author and he was a writer of self-help books.

    I should say that she is back to work and her everyday life now after Christmas and New Year's have passed. This has likely got her thinking more than she has over the past 2 weeks.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why are you sure that she's referring to you, rather than to someone new whom she may have met?

    Is she usually subtle and shy?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Robert wrote: »
    Why are you sure that she's referring to you, rather than to someone new whom she may have met?

    Is she usually subtle and shy?


    I doubt that she has met someone new. You could be right of course, but she has said she can't be in a relationship at the moment. The breakup must still be playing on her mind. I just know it's about me. About us.

    She can be at times. She's not massively outgoing and I would certainly expect her to be hesitant to get back in touch with me at first because she would probably be worried about what I would say. Like I said, I don't know that this is definitely her reaching out to me. She wouldn't rub it in my face like this though if she were talking about someone new, but I'm positive she hasn't.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That quote sounds like it's about someone new.

    Is it possible that she simply doesn't want you anymore, and made up the story about not wanting to be in a relationship with anyone?

    Have you suggested to her that you and she stay in frequent contact, but just as friends?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Robert wrote: »
    That quote sounds like it's about someone new.

    Is it possible that she simply doesn't want you anymore, and made up the story about not wanting to be in a relationship with anyone?

    Have you suggested to her to stay in frequent contact, but just as friends?


    What makes you so sure it's about someone new? I've asked some other friends for their opinions and they think she is just conflicted. That she is just experiencing inner turmoil or perhaps regret. I never had any suspicions of other guys before we broke up. She broke up with me because her head was all over the place. I know her, and she's not the sort of person to tell me one thing and then go off and do another.

    I've heard stories of girls saying this sort of thing just to let their partner down easily so they can move on perhaps to other guys, but this doesn't seem believable to me in this situation. Sorry.

    We didn't agree to not contact each other. We said we would stay in contact, but that was before I decided to just give her the space she needs. And that's what she needs right now. Space.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not certain what she means or is feeling, but it sounds like considering whether or not to start a new relationship as opposed to going back to a previous one.

    Many people lie about their motives and situation to their significant other when splitting up with them, which is why I asked you if that might be the case with her.

    How did you leave things regarding future contact? Did you say who would contact who and when?

    Do you have any friends in common, whom you could ask about how she is now?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Robert wrote: »
    I'm not certain what she means or is feeling, but it sounds like considering whether or not to start a new relationship as opposed to going back to a previous one.

    Many people lie about their motives and situation to their significant other when splitting up with them, which is why I asked you if that might be the case with her.

    How did you leave things regarding future contact? Did you say who would contact who and when?

    Do you have any friends in common, whom you could ask about how she is now?


    I appreciate that on paper this might seem like a common scenario like that. The fact of the matter, though, is that she drastically changed as a person. It's easy to say she is just looking for someone else, but she was so defeated, so confused with her career choice, so frustrated with herself and everything that was going on around her that this just simply isn't the case. If she'd have said to me "I think I need some space from the relationship" when there weren't all these other troubles affecting her, I would be inclined to take your stance too. I'm the sort of person who believes in telling people the cold, hard truth. Here, she was just so defeated that she didn't want to ruin what we had by growing distant and cold. Like I said, I think she was borderline depressed when she left me. I'm sure she still loves me. She wouldn't have lied to me about that. If she were looking to get back into a relationship at the moment then I believe she would come straight back to the person whom she loves and knows loves and respects her back.

    Well I asked her when she came down in December if she wanted me to just not contact her. I can't really remember what her response was, but I seem to remember her sort of shaking her head, not thinking that's what she wanted. I knew I wouldn't be contacting her for a while because she needs time to heal and recover from her troubles, but I told her that I would be here when/if she decided to come back and that I would like her to come back when she is ready. I did ask her if there was any chance we could sort this out later down the line but she just said that she couldn't give me an answer to that. Probably because she didn't know how long she needed. I could tell she didn't want to break it off with me though. It was as hard on her as it was on me and she apologised. She said that she didn't break up with me 2 weeks before because she loves me and has feelings for me. But by the end of December I think she had just decided that the only way to save our relationship, or our love at the very least, was to end it before it got worse.

    As for mutual friends, I forgot to mention in my original post that on the 22nd I got in touch with one of the friends she spent New Year's with. I told her I was worried about my ex and asked her to keep an eye on her. She insisted that my ex is a strong lady (which she is), that she would be "flying in the clouds where she belongs" again soon, and that my ex would "appreciate your care and consideration". This last bit confused me a bit. I wasn't sure if that meant to keep checking up on her or to give her the space that she desired. Either way, the friend said that I need to let time do its work and in the end what will be will be. Do you think it would be worth getting in touch with one of her other friends to see how she's doing now? The problem with that might be that her friend gives it away to my ex that I have been talking to her. What would you suggest?


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If I were in your position I would ask one of her other friends (whom you're on good terms with) about how your ex-gf is. As long as you enquire in a friendly and caring way, it shouldn't be a problem if (s)he tells her about that conversation. You want to know how she is and you'd like clarification as to whether or not the relationship has ended permanently. You need to know where you stand. Does she want to continue the relationship, just be friends, or have nothing to do with you? The worst that can happen is that you'll find out that she wants nothing more to do with you. Even that would be worth knowing, because then you can accept that and move on. For the last couple of weeks you've been in limbo - and that's no good.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Robert wrote: »
    If I were in your position I would ask one of her other friends (whom you're on good terms with) about how your ex-gf is. As long as you enquire in a friendly and caring way, it shouldn't be a problem if (s)he tells her about that conversation. You want to know how she is and you'd like clarification as to whether or not the relationship has ended permanently. You need to know where you stand. Does she want to continue the relationship, just be friends, or have nothing to do with you? The worst that can happen is that you'll find out that she wants nothing more to do with you. Even that would be worth knowing, because then you can accept that and move on. For the last couple of weeks you've been in limbo - and that's no good.


    I think that might be a good thing to do. I know which of her friends I will speak to. I'll ask them how my ex-gf is, what she thinks I should do as far as talking to her goes, and whether she misses me/talks about me at all or wishes I would contact her. I can't imagine her friend telling me that my ex-gf wants nothing more to do with me. At worst I think it will just be friends.

    You're right, being in this limbo state is not good for me. But she wanted her time to sort herself out and I have a feeling that her friend will tell me to continue to give it to her. I would be fine with that as long as I had some kind of confirmation that we can get back together in the end.

    I will let you know in the coming days how I get on.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So, I messaged her friend. She messaged back not long after saying that my ex is fine but that she had told her that I had asked about her and she was about to send me a message. It didn't go well :( She was so cold towards me. It was bizarre. It was as if she didn't even know me:

    "[FONT=&quot]Hi Miles, my friends have said you have messaged to ask how I am doing etc... I am just messaging to let you know I am fine but you need to move on Miles and don't worry about me. Hope your work experience goes well and everything else, all the best... Glad you are moving on and you know we will never be more than friends. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]No I don't hold anything against you, it's just the way it's turned out. It wasn't what I wanted.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"

    I don't know what to say. I am crushed. How can she be like that after only a couple of weeks? Anyway, I was positive and said I'm glad she was OK. I said I hope that she didn't hold me not contacting her against me. I said if she ever needs me to give me a call and thanked her for everything she has done for me. I told her she has truly changed my life and that I hoped she wouldn't forget me. See, she said it's not what she wanted. But for some reason this is how it has to be.

    It's time to move on I suppose. I am crushed. This is the lowest I have ever felt in my life. But now I know where I stand. Thanks for your help.
    [/FONT]
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    For whatever reason, she prefers not to be with you. Perhaps she feels better being single?

    Her saying that you'll never be more than friends suggests she wants to be friends. However, the rest of the message sounds like she doesn't want you in her life at all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Robert wrote: »
    For whatever reason, she prefers not to be with you. Perhaps she feels better being single?

    Her saying that you'll never be more than friends suggests she wants to be friends. However, the rest of the message sounds like she doesn't want you in her life at all.


    I asked for some clarification on why we are breaking up. She said exactly what she's said in the past:

    "[FONT=&quot]Just had so much going on and I just didn't feel the same anymore"

    Friendship doesn't do the connection and the times we had together any justice. It would be a construct not worth pursuing. Here was my final message to which I have yet to get a reply:
    [/FONT]

    "I just wanted to know that it wasn't something else and you were trying to let me down gently. I love you unconditionally. This is all because of that placement and that bitch at the school. I'm sorry it has come between us.


    At least I know it was nothing I had done to stop you loving me.



    Thank you Emma. These last 2 weeks have been hell, honestly. Every day with you was a gift. I hope you feel the same. I'm glad I got to spend the last 16 months with you. Good luck. I hope our paths cross again."









  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry, there was some formatting problems there.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds like you won't see her again.
Sign In or Register to comment.