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I've made the biggest mistake of my life

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm 23. I've been in a relationship for the past three years. Throughout that time I got hooked at looking at things online (Nothing illegal obviously). It got to the point I was too scared to tell my girlfriend the things I was into. I was so afraid she'd think I was a freak and leave me that I looked to speaking to people online to fulfil this fantasy I had. I never even thought about the consequences but now she wants nothing to do with me. She went through my phone and saw everything. I've answered every question she has truthfully. I've given her log in details to all my stuff. I'm so ashamed of what I've done to her I can't eat or sleep. I've slowly sunk into myself in the past few days and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my life has no meaning anymore. Like all motivation has fled my body and I just want to stay in this spot I've been in all weekend for as long as I can. My mum wants me to see a doctor but I'm too scared to speak to anyone about this face to face. Ive struggled in any social conversation since. She was everything to me and the guilt is tearing me up inside. I need help so badly I just don't know where to look.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Steve, thanks for your reply. The problem does not lie with what I was into, the problem lies with the infidelity of the situation. We both have different views on it though I do understand where she is coming from and how she must feel. Your analogy of the situation is spot on. I'm struggling to deal with the guilt and the arguments over text aren't helping my mental situation. I currently have an appointment to meet a doctor to speak with but the closest available is on the 1st of December. Alot of people tell me to block the number for a few weeks and then message her, but I believe that would only make matters worse. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The doctor was my mum's idea to help deal with my depressive state. I'll be seeing a GP and she thinks I may be referred to someone better equipped to deal with it. The cheating was only online. Speaking to people via text apps and so on, I never once met a person or even touched someone else physically. She was the love of my life, only I felt drawn to what I was doing. There were picture exchanges but that's the limit of it.

    The arguments are about a mix of things. Most of the time she will ask some questions, I'll answer truthfully and she will outright call me a liar and every other name under the sun. Sometimes she will be reading conversation with an old friend on Facebook messenger and mistake it for what it definitely isn't.

    I personally can't let go of the hope that there is a chance we can get back together, most of the time she seems to calm down and then two minutes later she crushes me with more hate text. My emotions are like they're on a roller coaster at the moment and it's beginning to effect my work life.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The Conversations have been going on for little over a year now. She was fine, she continuously mentioned certain things she'd never do yet now she tells me she's open to anything, she tells me it's the talking to other people that hurts her. She told me from the beginning she doesn't want to know me but keeps texting most days (every day from the incident until three days ago) giving me hope and then it turns nasty. I want nothing to do with those who I was speaking to, accounts have been deactivated, blocking of phone numbers, everything I can possibly do. I've even considered a new phone. She doesn't believe that I've never met any of the people, even though it's the truth, I haven't met or touched a single person. We split up two Tuesdays ago. She woke me up at one in the morning and kicked me out. I lost everything. House, vehicle, money. The lot
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you could message me and ask me these questions it would be greatly appreciated. I feel things are getting mixed up here.
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