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Feeling inadequate...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi guys,

I'm new to this forum so erm, a quick "hi" from me!

This is quite a loaded first post but I don't know where else to go. I'm 22, just graduated from uni and I've been working the typical 9-5 for a couple of months now. I can safely say, I HATE my job. It makes me feel empty, the work is dull, the people are cold and cliquey and I feel so invisible. It's definitely getting me down but it's gotten to the point where I'm questioning my purpose in life. What am I here for? I'll never be as good as X. I'm trying to be proactive about getting out of this dire situation but I haven't had any luck. Just rejection after rejection after rejection. I feel so hopeless for the future and there are days when I'm just ruminating over the absolute futility of life and just how worthless I am. I hate myself for throwing such a pity party but it's my go-to response. I just shut down and cry (behind closed doors).

No one knows of my pain. Well, apart from my therapist who I don't think is helping much. She's not making things worse either. I'm currently going through psychoanalytic therapy but I'm considering CBT (budget allowing) so please feel free to share your suggestions/experiences. From a young age, I've trained myself to think that bottling it up is the best way to handle things. My family aren't exactly the warmest or most supportive of individuals. If there was ever "advice", it would be to get up, brush it off and carry on. But I find that so draining. Just pretending nothing's wrong...

I have incredibly low self-esteem and a really extreme idea of perfection. My life must be perfect. I mustn't fail! This mentality affects me a lot. To the point where I'm constantly comparing and doubting myself that it ruins my day, week, month. I feel inadequate every day. I just don't know how long I can endure this for before I go to extreme measures. I don't think I am suicidal in any way. The thought of inflicting pain on myself scares me. But it does pop in my head now and again: "If I step out onto this road, I can just end it. It's that easy!". I don't want to live but I'm too scared to die. What a dilemma(!)

So my question is: do you have any words of advice? Is life really THAT bad? Do I even need any help or am I just overreacting? Will I ever stop feeling so empty and terrible?

(Ok, that was more than one question...)

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I know it's a long one!

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Amber
    Welcome. I just wanted to post to say I feel similar sometimes and I'm sure a lot of people do. I don't think you are doing anything wrong by having the occasional pity party :)

    The idea of perfection is one I struggle with I don't think having people who seem to do amazingly helps because I feel like I do compare myself a lot with them and I'm sure in sure that they are struggling with something too.

    Could you try the NHS for CBT ? I'm not sure how it all works sorry :)

    For me I just have to spend sometime on my own sometimes just to remind myself I am doing ok. For you, you sound very intelligent and you graduated uni 😃 well done. And also I keep list of positives if someone says something positive I write it down because the negatives stick for me a lot more than accepting the positive comments .

    I hope that you find a way through the empty feelings. Feel free to keep posting

    Have a nice week
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