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Not doing too well...

*BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
in Health & Wellbeing
I'm really anxious about talking about things but I'm really not doing too good at the minute. I've relapsed today after so long not self harming, and I hate myself even more, and now I am really scared about somebody seeing it, I just want to get better, I just feel like I'm never gonna be okay.

Sorry for the pointless thread. I guess I just need to get things out of my head.

" And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey :)

    Really glad you felt able to post about this BananaMonkey, and it's totally okay for you to start a thread about how you're doing :yes:

    I'm sorry to hear you've relapsed - would you like to talk to us about what's going on at the moment?

    We're here for you :heart:
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    I am in lots of pain physically, and I guess it's getting me down. I did the thing that I only know will actually help. :(
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    apandavapandav Posts: 2,072 Boards Champion
    Sending big *hug* s you way !
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Thank you for the hugs

    My hand is hurting so much cos its on my palm its really hurting and stinging.. I am finding it hard to hide it.

    Thinking of just going to sleep.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    What is the point in anything..
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    Cat88Cat88 Posts: 377 Listening Ear
    Morning :wave: how are you doing this morning? Did something happen last night? We're here to listen.
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Cat88 wrote: »
    Morning :wave: how are you doing this morning? Did something happen last night? We're here to listen.

    Really tired.. I had about 4 hours sleep. My neck pain flared up really bad and it was 4am last time I saw the time. Had to be up at 6..

    Feeling fed up and sore
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    I'm such a horrible person, I deserve all this pain that I do to myself. :'(
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    apandavapandav Posts: 2,072 Boards Champion
    Sending *hug* s , sorry things are really tough for you at the moment! I don't believe you are a horrible person :heart: but I know its easier for me to say it! I know myself its must easier to be horrible and negatives about ourselves, but it's important to know that its not you and be considerate that things are tough for you right now.
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    apandav wrote: »
    Sending *hug* s , sorry things are really tough for you at the moment! I don't believe you are a horrible person :heart: but I know its easier for me to say it! I know myself its must easier to be horrible and negatives about ourselves, but it's important to know that its not you and be considerate that things are tough for you right now.

    Thank you Apandav.

    I just feel really lost and I have really bad thoughts like how easy it would be to just take all the pills and also how easy it would be to just self harm. I dont really see things getting any better. :'(
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    StephSteph Posts: 448 Listening Ear
    hi *BananaMonkey* you're doing really well to post here about how you're feeling, sorry to hear that things are difficult at the moment and that you're saying you don't really see things getting any better. We're here for you for anything you'd like to talk about *hug*
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Steph wrote: »
    hi *BananaMonkey* you're doing really well to post here about how you're feeling, sorry to hear that things are difficult at the moment and that you're saying you don't really see things getting any better. We're here for you for anything you'd like to talk about *hug*

    Thank you Steph

    I'm really trying but nothing I do is good enough. I just want to feel okay and happy. Yesterday I was okay. Then I got home and felt so low. Its just crappy how I have to rely on a pill to make me happy :(

    I just want to be normal.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    apandavapandav Posts: 2,072 Boards Champion
    *hug* s - is your doctor giving you any other support E. G therapy ?
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    apandav wrote: »
    *hug* s - is your doctor giving you any other support E. G therapy ?

    Nope cos I've decided I dont want it. I'm not to good at talking about things face to face.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    apandavapandav Posts: 2,072 Boards Champion
    Ah okay thanks for explaining, is it just face to face- I am wondering as maybe you could arrange telephone therapy or counselling - would that be helpful?

    How are you feeling now?
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Thank you apandav for your reply. I don't think telephone counselling would work for me cos I get really bad phone anxiety, I can't even ring helplines.

    I'm feeling a bit better today- tired, been awake since 4am. But hopefully being back at work will give me the distraction. I always struggle on bank holidays/weekends as I don't always know what to do to keep myself busy and distracted, but work gives me things to focus on.

    Thanks again for caring :heart:

    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    apandavapandav Posts: 2,072 Boards Champion
    I understand a lot of people struggle to talk on helplines. Glad your feeling even a bit better today :) hope you have a nice day!

    No problem, I wish I could help more :heart:

    Just a suggestion......have you looked at any self help resources online?
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Hi Apandav, sorry I havent replied back to you. Ive kind of not been in a very good way recently.

    I just dont want to be alive anymore. :'(
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    apandavapandav Posts: 2,072 Boards Champion
    Sending big *hug* s, sorry to hear things are extremely difficult.

    I'd really recommend PAPYRUS hopelineUK if you feel everything is too much, or even to discuss these feeling your having! If you need to you can always contact your doctor!

    Keep posting if you feel it helps :heart:
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Thank you Apandav, your support really does mean a lot. I'm feeling a bit brighter this morning, I am seeing my doctor on Thursday so I will speak to her. I just don't want to have to have my medication increased again.

    I'm just feeling down about being this way. :(

    I will be okay though :heart: I gotta be.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    NikkiNikki Posts: 131 The Mix Convert
    Hi *BananaMonkey*, sorry to hear that you haven't been doing too well. You said that you "will be okay" yesterday, how were feeling today? It's really good that you're using the forums to share your feelings.

    We're all here if you'd like to chat :):)
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Nikki wrote: »
    Hi *BananaMonkey*, sorry to hear that you haven't been doing too well. You said that you "will be okay" yesterday, how were feeling today? It's really good that you're using the forums to share your feelings.

    We're all here if you'd like to chat :):)

    Thank you for your reply.

    I'm okay. Just tired.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    I must have 'treat me like crap' on my forehead cos the way ive been spoken to has upset me so much. Considering we are meant to be friends.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Never felt so hurt and betrayed by a friend in my life. Some people are so hurtful, I am so done with everything and everyone. :'(
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    louisa982louisa982 Posts: 294 The Mix Regular
    Hey monkey

    Oh I'm so sorry your friend has been nasty, it's really not on! You are such a lovely kind person.

    How are you feeling this afternoon? Any better? Got anything planned this weekend ?

    Louisa x
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    louisa982 wrote: »
    Hey monkey

    Oh I'm so sorry your friend has been nasty, it's really not on! You are such a lovely kind person.

    How are you feeling this afternoon? Any better? Got anything planned this weekend ?

    Louisa x

    Thank you for your reply :heart:

    I am okay. Trying not to think about it. Just remembering how hurt I am feeling to be honest.

    Thanks for the kindness means a lot.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    A year today :(
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Feel so alone. Really is crappy when you really need somebody and theres nobody
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,031 Boards Guru
    Hi BananaMonkey, I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling alone and that you need somebody. In your previous post you said that it's a year ago today. I hope your doing okay and just know that were are here for you on the forum if you would like to chat. How are you feeling this evening?
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Gosh I feel so anxious. :(
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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