feelings

Former Member

This isn't so easy to post about but I'm really, honestly struggling so much at the moment, and I don't know what to do about it.

I don't want to go into much detail about this, but I've been doing interviews with the police for a short while now and we're not finished yet but I have a decision to make - I can stop now or I can carry on. I know it's stupid to talk about this when I'm not giving much to go off but I can't make this decision, but I feel like nobody actually understands that.

It's consuming me. It's destroying me entirely. It's all I think about. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't live my life - I'm struggling to go to the gym, I'm struggling to go to groups, I'm struggling to stay in contact with most people even if they need me. I stress even at the little things and argue with pretty much anyone in my life right now.

It's so difficult to explain but I feel so numb, so empty - as though I could just stop trying to do anything or be anyone and I'd simply zone out from everything and everyone. Yet at the same time I feel so overwhelmed by emotion. I'm extremely sad and angry, and it's as though the emotions are eating me alive and destroying my soul.

I drink even more right now to try and block every single thing out but it's not helping one bit, so obviously I need to keep drinking more and more. Words can't explain exactly how desperate I feel, and I've pushed my alcohol worker away again but at the same time it means I've destroyed any progress I could have ever made which I don't feel great about.

I don't even see why I should bother trying to explain how I feel to any of my workers because I just can't. I can't ever get across how truly awful I feel. Awful doesn't even begin to explain it but there are no words.

I honestly don't know where to go from here.

Former Member

As we don't know much about the situation it's really hard to say, but with the interviews with the police, will the overall outcome be worth you carrying on? Is anything likely to be done about said situation after these interviews or is it unlikely?
I'd say if it's affecting you as much as it is, it might be worth stopping but honestly as we don't know it's hard to say.
Are you able to talk to your family about it and get their advice, or are they unaware?
Make sure you take time out to try and take care of yourself *hug*

independent_

Hello.
As has been previously said, we don't know a lot about your situation (no pressure to share of course). Therefore, it's difficult to say what would be the best decision. Although, if this is affecting your wellbeing as much as it is, then it may be best for you to stop the interviews to save you a lot of stress and difficult feelings.
Is anyone aware of how you're feeling at all? Maybe a family member, trusted friend, or someone else in your life who you trust? Have you spoken about these feelings in support chat on here at all? If someone is aware, they can talk it through with you and help you come to a decision. This is a big decision for you and I can see that it's causing you a lot of stress.
Remember to take care of yourself, alcohol can help in the short term, however it may make feelings worse in the long run.
I hope this helps you.
Elle.

Former Member

Hey butterfly,

It sounds like this decision is really overwhelming right now - you say it's all you think about and that you can't eat or sleep or live your life, doing the things you would normally do. You mention having a short temper too, feeling angry and sad and using alcohol to try and cope with these feelings. I have this sense of everything being on hold, like the clock has stopped and you're stuck

I'm really so sorry to hear how much this is impacting on you butterfly, it sounds really painful for you and no doubt these interviews may have also brought old feelings back up to the surface. You don't have to cope on your own and well done for posting about this. Right now it sounds like you could really do with some support - perhaps you don't have to tell the support workers everything, it could be as simple as saying you're not coping and you're feeling hugely overwhelmed. They are there to help you through this.

I wonder if there are some small steps you can also take in the short term to look after yourself as @Hiccup suggests? So for example, what one thing could you to today, in the next hour or two, to help you relax - what do you feel you need right now?

We're here for you and we're rooting for you *hug*

Former Member

I told myself that I'd actually go into enough detail on here about the way I'm feeling so that I'm not just being a vague, moaning idiot but I don't really know what to say. I just feel like I want to die - like it would be so, so easy. I've given up trying and I hate it. I want to talk to my support worker but have no idea if she's even in, and even if she was, it's not so easy anymore because I'm such a fucking let down. I just want someone to tell me what to do. Obviously I know that y'all can't do that so I guess I'm just posting to have yet another moan and that's so fucking weak.

Former Member

I don't think you're weak butterfly and nor do I read this and think ' what a fucking let down' , far from it in fact. I see someone who is trying so so hard to move forward, to keep going and it sounds like you're tired, really tired, emotionally and physically *hug*

There is nothing weak about needing to talk about what's going on, nothing weak about sharing your feelings and struggles, nothing weak about contacting your support worker. We were saying in chat last night how if this was a physical illness and struggle someone was going through then we may not have the same feelings but something about not being able to cope mentally, with our thoughts and feelings, it can leave us feeling like less of a person, like we 'should' be able to cope.

You deserve support for what you are going through and have been through and even though it all seems too much right now - think about how far you have already come. You're not right down at the bottom of the mountain again, you're a fair way up! Maybe you can give yourself a break

If the suicidal thoughts persist then do let someone know.. in the mean time it's okay to share your thoughts and feelings with us.