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discussing ex with a partner
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Just curious on peoples perceptions on this.
Personally, I find it hard to handle when something comes up or I am made aware of an incident where my gf had sex etc with someone else.
I am not immature and can talk about anything, but it hits me in my gut.
Is that normal?
I mean, we never just start talking about an ex but sometimes it may inadvertently happen due to relevance.
This hardly ever happens by the way and is not a problem, but my gf has a photo of herself which obviously was took by an ex and it makes me feel awkward looking at it.
Only felt awkward for a while, I love her and only think about us and our future, she is the love of my life and with me now
I was just curious as I said about if other people felt that way.
Personally, I find it hard to handle when something comes up or I am made aware of an incident where my gf had sex etc with someone else.
I am not immature and can talk about anything, but it hits me in my gut.
Is that normal?
I mean, we never just start talking about an ex but sometimes it may inadvertently happen due to relevance.
This hardly ever happens by the way and is not a problem, but my gf has a photo of herself which obviously was took by an ex and it makes me feel awkward looking at it.
Only felt awkward for a while, I love her and only think about us and our future, she is the love of my life and with me now
I was just curious as I said about if other people felt that way.
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Comments
It is a quite common feeling, so I guess you could say it is "normal". And even though, idealistically, we should all be content with who we are and what we have, i.e. not be jealous, I would refrain from bringing up exes all the time. If it's really relevant to the discussion, yes, go ahead. It should just never become a habit. The SO may feel inadequate if you bring an ex up too much (is s/he comparing them to me? Is he not content with me if the ex is constantly on their mind?).
We get jealous when we really care about someone. Sometimes when someone talks about something they did in the past, it can be quite difficult to separate it from that person in the present. So, when a partner talks about, for example, having sex with an ex, it can feel quite present. Imagining your partner having sex with someone else? If you're a monogamous type - that's going to hit you in the gut.
Like StrubbleS says, it is 'normal' to feel that. I think the main thing is what you do with that feeling. If it start to take over, it's bad. But if you can talk about it - "that makes me feel jealous", "I don't like thinking of you with other people", "I'd rather not see that photo of you with your ex if possible", those things seem OK to me.
A little bit of jealousy, expressed as your issue (not theirs), let's them know you care
As mentioned before, aslong the trust is there and u two are on the same path then thats all what matters. Does sound like that u two are on the same path but its asking urself wether talking about ur ex with a partner a goos thing or bad thing.
I would say its a bad thing to do only I do think it depends on the other person. Not every guy or girl is the jeaulous type but not every guy and girl would be fine with it. Its asking urself wether u are and if ur not then as suggested u need to talk to ur partner about that. There are other aspects of it u need to consider two like wether u trust them enough, how much of a risk u willing to take, if u love them the way u do and is she the one.
Either way u need to ask these questions for urself.
No, jealousy is the anxiety of losing something or someone you have. You don't get jealous about people you really care for. You get jealous if you do not fully trust your partner, either because they are untrustworthy or because you have trust issues. If you are convinced that your SO is in it for YOU, then there is no grounds for jealousy. If you trust your gf that she can talk to a random male stranger without jumping his dick while you are not looking, then you won't be jealous. If she spends considerable amount of time on he ex's facebook page, stalks out every detail of his life and new gf then she starts drifting of into the realms of questionable trustworthiness and feelings of jealousy are not unexpected. A little bit of expressed jealousy let's them know that you are not entirely trusting of them, nothing else.
Granted, some people get off of having a jealous partner. That makes them feel desired. But if you draw excitement over your SO's insecurity then I guess I don't need to tell you that this an unhealthy dynamic.
Let me reiterate. Feelings of jealousy are normal. We all get them like many other negative emotions like feeling inadequate or not the smartest tool in the shed at your workplace, but there is nothing good about those feelings. I am not saying suppress those feelings. They have a source. So analyse if the source is something that is threatening to your relationship or if you are overreacting.
This is how I felt and he'd phone her in front of me. It turns out they were actually together. I did wonder that because of how much he'd talk about her.
I have friends who do discuss their exes; but it's something that comes up if it's relevant to the conversation in someway.