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Total personality opposites
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. we have had our ups and downs and problems but we are still sticking at it. We've lived together for over 3 years.
However - while I am naturally an up-beat person, with strong views and principles who likes books and culture and laughter and am quite 'zen' in my outlook he is becoming more and more moody and miserable.
He is obsessed with tidyness and order while I am a 'throw my clothes around anywhere' kind of girl. I have tried to be more thoughtful about my mess and stuff but he has failed in his attempts to move toward my carefree outlook.
Luckily for us we still have momenst of fun and joy but if he is 'performing' I am increasingly inclined to just ignore him and get on with my happy happy life. However I am still concerned that his 'misery' is some kind of depression or pesimistic outlook and perhaps there are things he can do to become more chilled. His mother is very similar to him (Though if you asked him he'd say he's nothing like her).
Do you think its healthier for me and us to just carry on laughing off his tantrums or should I continue to press him into discussing why he is like he is? I'm pretty happy with my life, and I can live with the little blips in our relationship but I'm just wondering if there is anyway I can help him be happier about life.
However - while I am naturally an up-beat person, with strong views and principles who likes books and culture and laughter and am quite 'zen' in my outlook he is becoming more and more moody and miserable.
He is obsessed with tidyness and order while I am a 'throw my clothes around anywhere' kind of girl. I have tried to be more thoughtful about my mess and stuff but he has failed in his attempts to move toward my carefree outlook.
Luckily for us we still have momenst of fun and joy but if he is 'performing' I am increasingly inclined to just ignore him and get on with my happy happy life. However I am still concerned that his 'misery' is some kind of depression or pesimistic outlook and perhaps there are things he can do to become more chilled. His mother is very similar to him (Though if you asked him he'd say he's nothing like her).
Do you think its healthier for me and us to just carry on laughing off his tantrums or should I continue to press him into discussing why he is like he is? I'm pretty happy with my life, and I can live with the little blips in our relationship but I'm just wondering if there is anyway I can help him be happier about life.
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What I find with him is he likes to do things a certain way, things have to be put in a certain place and it doesent matter how hard I try im not going to change him.
Im gobby, he's quiet. We have so many things which we have different opinions about.
Personally id say is he really doing you any harm? you have been together for quite some time so you must work well together as a couple.
He probably is happy in his own little world, he is obviously happy with you because you are still together after all this time. Could it be you are getting into the "boring" routine stage? you do the same things day in day out ? maybe you just need a change and start doing things that you dont normally do
However, we still argue about the most stupid things (like cleaning) and he has a real thing about the fact that I own 40% of the house we have bought (The rest is a mortgage, I bought it with an inheritance) though I have never used it against him in an argument.
he is a little right wing in a bad way and can be racist but then I have no problem with pulling him up on it. He can sometimes be rude to my friends (Though he gets on fine with my really close ones that he has got to know)
What worries me is that he really does get extremely angry and annoyed about stupid little things like a bit of fluff on the carpet or for example the neighbour asking me if it was OK for her son to put a plank against the wall to practice his skateboarding...I said 'yes, fine - i've seen him practicing outside and it looks like fun' while mark says 'well no - what if the wall falls down'!!
One of the most bizzare things is he might say 'I've bought some melon - do you want some' and I'll say 'no thank you - i don't like melon' and he'll take it really personally, or He'll say 'I'm doing beef for dinner' and I'll say 'I don't like beef, tell you what - I'll do some chicken for me' and he'll freak! As if i've slighted him by refusing his food!
We argue about silly, stupid things
I can laugh about it now but sometimes you feel like pulling your hair out, or shouting to him " For fucks sake lighten up" but it still wouldnt work because after this length of time you still wont be able to change him.
The rudeness bit my hubby also does that, so I find that i have to make excuses for him, like saying "oh he's had a bad day, he's had hardly any sleep or something like that because I feel guilty about the way he has gone on, then when Im with him on my own i tell him how rude he was. He normally comes back and says " I was fine, i didnt do nothing", but I let him know i was not amused.
Im suprise he doesent know what food you like mind, thats one thing my hubby knows what I will eat and what I wont. If we are going out for dinner he will say "try that, you will like it" and 99.9% of the time he is right and I do like it.
Seriously though I dont think you will change him, not now after this long.
Maybe I am just cynical but I wonder if there`s more to this than you`re saying......
I don't know anyone I don't argue with and I think that if you simply accept that people are entitled to do things their own way, no matter how stupid, annoying or nonsensical it may seem to you, then you'll get along fine.
Many troubles in this world have been caused by things that people disagree with - if people learned to live with each other, then we'd all get along fine ;-)
*takes rose tinted glasses off*
I`m probably projecting my own experiences onto you, so maybe I should explain.
Your b/f sounds a bit like my ex husband. He was generally grumpy, pessimistic, and a miserable git. He could suck every last bit of joy out of absolutely everything. He couldn`t be happy about anything, in fact he claimed he didn`t know what happiness meant. We had a hard time to start with what with one thing and another, not between ourselves, and I thought that as things improved he would be happier, but he never ever was. In fact he got worse.
I was his second wife, and on our wedding day he showed no emotion whatsoever. When I asked him about it he said that I couldn`t expect him to be all happy about it because he`d done it before and it was just another day to him. I suppose that should`ve been a clue, shouldn`t it?
He said he wanted a home and children, well even when we had them, he was a miserable bastard. It seemed like he couldn`t have cared less. He hardly acknowledged the children and I couldn`t do a thing right. Everything was always my fault and he would go mental over the stupidest most insignificant things. He didn`t genuinely LIKE anyone so had no real friends and didn`t like me having them either. In fact he told me one of my closest friends had come on to him just to split us up. It was a total lie and I knew it.
I thought he would change. He did. For the worse. I spent years trying to "help" him and in the end all that happened was he nearly destroyed me.
I just wish that he found some joy in his work and life.
byny I bet he is happy in his little world, he has everything he wants so he is quite happy just to plod along, he doesent want the fun and excitement, hes happy to be at home with you...........Does this sound anywhere near to how he actually is?
On the other hand even if I have had a crap day at work I still arrive home full of the joys of spring despite having to get the train and cycle home, even if its raining.
He doesn't seem satisfied with anything in his life and sadly he seems to be in a permanent bad mood. This means that he seems to be always in a bad mood with me and at first I would ask what the matter was but he'd snap 'Nuthin' and then proceed to act like he'd come home and discovered me cleaning a table with my arse!! ie he makes me feel like I've done something wrong when I haven't! Now I've stopped asking if he's ok after the first time because I know he won't tell me!
I try to make his arrival home as nice as possible, I go out and meet him with the dog, offer him a cup of tea (Which he always turns down) but it seems to make no difference.
Ultimately I have decided I just have to get on with things myself until he lightens up (Usually at about 10pm)..
I just wish he wasn't so grumpy. OH - and - we talked about this once and he said he thought my 'cheerfulness' was fake ...but it isn't, perhaps he's trying to wear me down.
Maybe instead of going out there with the dog and offering him a cup of tea you could surprise him - have his favourite meal ready on a candlelit table on the patio or something with you in the dress he likes you best in with a bottle of wine on ice next to it. Just plan a nice romantic evening for you both and show him how much you care.
That should cheer him up for a while.
But don't forget us men are just naturally miserable buggers in most cases and we usually make things sound worse than we really think they are.
its HIM that needs to buck his ideas up and think about how hes making everyone around him feel.
Has he always been a bit grumpy? because he really does sound like my hubby........honestly
and I havn't managed to change him yet, so if you can change him please let me into your little secret
Is he tired because of his job? longer hours or something like that? could anything be bothering him that he hasn't told you about? Men do tend to bottle stuff up and just not talk, so try to get him to talk and open up. Tell him how your feeling and see if you can do something about it. Why not say right tomorrow night we are having a walk out with the dog (seeing as the weather is gorgeous) and tell him he IS going to talk to you. You could always go for a long walk, have a couple of beers in your local and maybe he might just open up and start talking.
No that's not what I was saying. I was just suggesting that maybe although byny may have the domestic routine all sussed they might have become a bit stuck in a routine and as byny wants to cheer her feller up a nice romantic surprise could do the trick.
I was not criticising byny at all, I was just saying that a nice romantic surprise could boost their relationship. If she isn't happy and as he doesn't seem to want to make the effort to change she should give him some encouragement to do so.
and youv'e never looked back since
Good on ya for getting out, I dont beleive families should stay together for the sake of the kids
I meant you, this was not about byny.
Your situation does seem a lot more extreme than byny's is. Obviously try to sort problems out, try to make it work but like in your case trying never worked so you got out, which is why I said good on ya
Yeah, so did I!
I make him his 'favourite meal' every night...I mean, I cook practically every meal he eats and he likes them all more or less. And really, not only would he be pissing himself laughing if i stood at the door in what I though was his favoourite dress but so would I!!
The problem is not one of routine and lack of romance but his god-awful 'steptoe' personality..
However, at the weekend we did spend a lovely afternoon in the park with the dog (our substitute child and pride and joy) during which he acknowledged he is a grumpy bastard and that his job is pretty much ideal for him.
I guess I just have to accept that not everyone is happy most of the time.
HAHA! I missed that one somehow! Yeah, people don`t really do that stuff, do they?! I know if I had it probably would`ve been met with some comment like, "What the hell are you tarted up for? Has someone been round?"
If you asked him he'd say he never plans everything but lives day to day and is really spontaneous, to some extent that is true in that he does what the hell he likes when he likes but I don't think he has a burning desire to do anything amazing. I certainly hope I'm not stopping him from doing stuff, we are both really independent and I'd back him in almost anything he wanted to do!