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I know I am being petty but...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
A friend of mine who has been seeing her boyfriend for about 18 months is thinking very seriously about getting engaged to him and moving in with him. I think she is encouraged by the fact that mutual friends of ours are happily living together now and she likes the idea of having her own place. However, they have been together 8 years and are 25. She however is my age, 19. Her boyfriend is also 25 and so he is quite keen to settle down.

They have a lot of arguments and frequently fall out, she is always moaning about how selfish he is, so I wonder why exactly she wants to live with him and marry him! He also doesn't have a steady job and she is at university, in her first year.

I set her up with her boyfriend (he is one of my boyfriend's mates) but sometimes regret that. I am being petty because I don't want her to settle down with him. I know I got them together etc but she never seems happy and often tells me she wants to leave him. I think she only talks about getting engaged because she sees how happy our other friends are.

I am being petty because I want to get engaged and settle down before her!!! I am in a four year stable relationship. I preactically live with my boyfriend now and I just think that if anyone should be settling down it should be us, not them! I kind of see it as some sort of race to get engaged. Me and my boyfriend want to get engaged and get a house but we are waiting until I finsh university next year. I wish he would reconsider and do it sooner. I know this is silly and part of me wants to do it so that I can beat her to it!

Right, this thread isn't going anywhere and if I was reading it I wouldn't know how to reply!! What I want to know is has anyone else ever been in a similar situation? If not, what are your opinions on the matter. Remember, I know I am being petty!


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    19 is too young to get tied down with a house, mortgage etc.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Simbelyne
    19 is too young to get tied down with a house, mortgage etc.
    I wouldn't get a mortgage.

    I have also lived alone before, for over a year. In halls at uni and then in my own rented house with two friends. I managed the bills etc then.

    My friend on the other hand is spolit rotten by her parents and doesn't even pay for her own car! I worry that it'll go tits up for her and her mates will be left to pick up the bits. Oh I dunno, I know it is silly to make love into some competition, but me and my boyfriend were planning our future together before they were. Hmf. Everyone in our friendship group is all "yey, go for it" but none of them were like that for us! They didn't really seem to care, as if it was expected that we would settle down etc. The truth comes out now......!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes 19 to me sounds far too young to settle down etc. But everyone is different. Maybe they feel ready to settle down and thats all they want to do. I just hope they don't come to regret it later on in life. Personally I couldn't do that. I'll probably settle down way after uni, but before I'm grey and old.:)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmm, this is a tough one.
    Well, i know it may seem frustrating as my best mate has been seeing her boyf for two years. They frequently fall out (i mean at least once a day here!) and he generally treats her like crap. Anyway, it's so frustrating when they split up and get back together as she comes to me for advice and the just does the oppisite of what i say!

    Anyway, what i'm trying to say is i know it may seem unfair or frustrating that things are moving so fast for your friend and you feel like you're standing still. But just be glad that you are in a stable and loving relationship which you know in the future will go places. Let her get on with what she wants to do. She'll soon get one hell of a culture shock if she does decide to move away from home and become 'independant'. Moving in with a partner is probably one of the biggest tests a relationship will face. If the relationship breaks up then that is just one of life's mistakes that she will learn by.
    On the other hand, if it does work, then be happy for her. You will see your day of moving in with your boyfriend etc so don't feel like you're competing with her. You're being sensible by waiting till you finish uni and in the long run, your patience will pay off. :)

    God i hope that made sense! lol
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can understand how you must feel and I agree with you for being concerned about your friend. Maybe she and this guy are genuinely right for each other and they will both live happily ever after. Despite the arguments etc.

    But.... and I can only say from my own experience, I know that whenever I get together with somebody new, I go through this honeymoon period, which can often last for months and months, where I see everything as being rosy, and wanting to stay with him forever etc. Then all of a sudden I "wake up", and suddenly see the guy in a whole different light, and realise I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him.

    I would just be worried that your friend was still looking through the rose-tinted spectacles.

    I think you and your boyfriend deserve great respect for waiting before you settle. And I think that your friend probably does too, deep down. If you were to rush ahead and take things further with your relationship, just to get ahead of her, then she may well follow suit straight away, where she might otherwise not have done. I don't think I'm making sense anymore am I?

    Also, is your friend at uni? For me personally, I look at uni as being a temporary part of my life and "the rest of my life" doesn't begin until after I've graduated and made my first steps onto the career ladder. For me, engagements, weddings and babies all fit into this "rest of my life" so I couldn't possibly contemplate them until I get there. So many things could change before then!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks guys. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    bite your tongue, grit your teeth, and carry on with your own relationship at your own pace. Pretend you are happy for them and be quietly content in the knowledge that yours is a healthier relationship and will probably last the distance
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think I sorted things out. I talked to my boyfriend and he said he loved me and wanted to get engaged but he thought I deserved the whole package too - a ring, party, house etc. He said he wants to wait until he has a more secure job that he feels he could keep for a longer period of time than his current one (ie. he wants to be financially stable) and I completely agree. I was just being silly and we're going to wait until I finish university next year.
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